it has been a rough month for me-
missing the papa man so much
part of this is that Miss Ashley is gone so much now
and that is how it should be.......
I do not want her to have to baby sit Meme
I want her to have a fun time in this part of her life
there is still some growing to do
and you can be grown up for a long time
once all is said and done-
my widow friend of three years came
for tea day and she assured me that
I am being normal considering the
circumstances but boy normal
sure can hurt......
the days seem so long and then there are the nights
the hardest part of day is shutting off the lights
around the house-
I am keeping my faith and following
my Shepherd---
I need to finish a few small business things
and then it will be just me.
I know that God is in control and I
try very hard not to question Him about
His plans---
I am glad June is over....last June was the heavy
month on the cancer journey ----it was
all the endings of what dear papa hubby
was able to do......it was the worst of times
Tomorrow is new day and a new month
I will carry on.......
hugs from Meme
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
a Meme note
I have been off doing things and forgetting to blog. On Thursday, Dogman had his spring cleaning and got his hair cut and his nails done- Miss Ashley and I walked him down town and then did this and that while he was busy-- then I walked him home again which translated means he walked me home.
I did something on Friday but my mind as forgot- but I do know that I was out for my walk. I try to walk some where everyday when the weather is nice.
Yesterday I walked down and checked out our new drugstore which actually sells groceries also. That really amazed me- to find a milk isle in the drug store- it is big and seems very nice. I found some honey and bread and so Dogman and I had toast and honey today. It is closer for me to walk too than the regular grocery store so will be nice in the winter- some things are higher priced and some are not. I will go to both depending on the weather and what I need.
It took me nearly a year to get to the point of walking down town without dear papa- I was so used to him being with me that I did not even know how to put the money in the cart slot to get a cart- here most of the stores have carts but you have to pay up first and then once you are done and put the cart back in the proper area- your money comes back to you.
Our first father's day with out papa here on earth but he had his first father's day with his Lord. He has been a father for 50 years now. I miss him and yet, I cannot ask for more of him from the Lord. David is at peace now with no pain or sorrow-- his kids gave him much sorrow because of drugs- he does not have to look and hope and pray for them anymore- that has been passed to me- sigh--My step daughter called last night- she has not called since the funeral day- she was too ashamed as she had gone back on cocaine- sigh- she said she is off right now- pray - please- I do not want to be around anyone who is into drugs and I am not interested in rehabilitating anyone either. We did try that and it did not work but I can still love her and pray-
Must go as I did say this was a short note--LOL
double hugs for all my friends- from Meme
I did something on Friday but my mind as forgot- but I do know that I was out for my walk. I try to walk some where everyday when the weather is nice.
Yesterday I walked down and checked out our new drugstore which actually sells groceries also. That really amazed me- to find a milk isle in the drug store- it is big and seems very nice. I found some honey and bread and so Dogman and I had toast and honey today. It is closer for me to walk too than the regular grocery store so will be nice in the winter- some things are higher priced and some are not. I will go to both depending on the weather and what I need.
It took me nearly a year to get to the point of walking down town without dear papa- I was so used to him being with me that I did not even know how to put the money in the cart slot to get a cart- here most of the stores have carts but you have to pay up first and then once you are done and put the cart back in the proper area- your money comes back to you.
Our first father's day with out papa here on earth but he had his first father's day with his Lord. He has been a father for 50 years now. I miss him and yet, I cannot ask for more of him from the Lord. David is at peace now with no pain or sorrow-- his kids gave him much sorrow because of drugs- he does not have to look and hope and pray for them anymore- that has been passed to me- sigh--My step daughter called last night- she has not called since the funeral day- she was too ashamed as she had gone back on cocaine- sigh- she said she is off right now- pray - please- I do not want to be around anyone who is into drugs and I am not interested in rehabilitating anyone either. We did try that and it did not work but I can still love her and pray-
Must go as I did say this was a short note--LOL
double hugs for all my friends- from Meme
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
a short note
I am not lost but just trying to do what I can- here is a short Meme note
and I will be back soon.
****************
-I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-
plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do. yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years.
my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.
and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.
huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.
and I will be back soon.
****************
-I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-
plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do. yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years.
my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.
and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.
huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Silent Sounds
most days now my house is silent-
and as I listen.....
I can hear the silence.
I no longer hear the sounds of two
hearts beating together.
I remember the last days with papa hubby
and how I would lean against his chest
to hear the pitter patter of his heart.
it was the sound of hope.....
it was the last sound I heard papa speak
and then last time I listened
all I heard was the sound of silence.
He had left this world as quiet as
the angels who came to take him home.
I hear that silent sound now..........
and I miss his sounds......
and yet, I feel the sounds in my heart
and I know that on the day that
the sound of silence came to me
that the bells in heaven rang.
huggles me, Meme
and as I listen.....
I can hear the silence.
I no longer hear the sounds of two
hearts beating together.
I remember the last days with papa hubby
and how I would lean against his chest
to hear the pitter patter of his heart.
it was the sound of hope.....
it was the last sound I heard papa speak
and then last time I listened
all I heard was the sound of silence.
He had left this world as quiet as
the angels who came to take him home.
I hear that silent sound now..........
and I miss his sounds......
and yet, I feel the sounds in my heart
and I know that on the day that
the sound of silence came to me
that the bells in heaven rang.
huggles me, Meme
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
When the time is right...
my bedroom is looking pretty cozy and meme like
there are many things in here that papa hubby gave me
and also things that we shared together...
papa was a tool man so he seldom had a lot of
his things in here- our closets are too small to
fit both on us in---so he used the spare room closet
and I used my/our room for my clothes-
the sweaters we shared were in his closet
so the closet did not require any changes-
I found one of his tools called a plainer(sp)
which is hand held and small so I am using it for
a book end. I like it as he used it often while
making his canes......so lots of DNA
I can still only do so much at a time and
only deal with certain things yet.
But I am moving forward step by step
because I know that is what papa hubby
asked me to do. He was very strong spoken that
the things he left behind are of this world
and that I am to take care of myself.
Because of my health I know that this house
is too much for me to deal with and that
I will have to move in a couple of years.
I know that I need to start the steps......
in order to be able to complete this
before I have to leave here.
It is sad to know that I will be letting
our home go but it is also exciting to know
that I can make a new home for Meme.
It takes time to remove the detachments of papa
hubby's things because it is hard to remind me
that these are now my things and if I keep them all
I am the one responsible.
The wonderful thing is that papa is not missing
his things- or noticing his things going- or wants his things to
be kept for him. I know that he has his treasures in heaven
from Jesus- no pain- no suffering- no tears- no sadness
and he is not alone- He is with his Lord and Savior who
taught us all to not store our treasures on earth
for they will rust and turn to dust.
God's treasures are eternal.
God will give me and you strength to do
what needs to be done when the time is right.
God is our time keeper.
Wait for the Lord..........Psalm 27:14
there are many things in here that papa hubby gave me
and also things that we shared together...
papa was a tool man so he seldom had a lot of
his things in here- our closets are too small to
fit both on us in---so he used the spare room closet
and I used my/our room for my clothes-
the sweaters we shared were in his closet
so the closet did not require any changes-
I found one of his tools called a plainer(sp)
which is hand held and small so I am using it for
a book end. I like it as he used it often while
making his canes......so lots of DNA
I can still only do so much at a time and
only deal with certain things yet.
But I am moving forward step by step
because I know that is what papa hubby
asked me to do. He was very strong spoken that
the things he left behind are of this world
and that I am to take care of myself.
Because of my health I know that this house
is too much for me to deal with and that
I will have to move in a couple of years.
I know that I need to start the steps......
in order to be able to complete this
before I have to leave here.
It is sad to know that I will be letting
our home go but it is also exciting to know
that I can make a new home for Meme.
It takes time to remove the detachments of papa
hubby's things because it is hard to remind me
that these are now my things and if I keep them all
I am the one responsible.
The wonderful thing is that papa is not missing
his things- or noticing his things going- or wants his things to
be kept for him. I know that he has his treasures in heaven
from Jesus- no pain- no suffering- no tears- no sadness
and he is not alone- He is with his Lord and Savior who
taught us all to not store our treasures on earth
for they will rust and turn to dust.
God's treasures are eternal.
God will give me and you strength to do
what needs to be done when the time is right.
God is our time keeper.
Wait for the Lord..........Psalm 27:14
Sunday, June 7, 2009
that dear granddaughter
yesterday the grand daughter was off to see family on her birth
dad's side--sometimes I get confused so I do wonder how she keeps
every one in her mind.
she came home before mid night which means Oma was still
up and had not turned into a pumpkin--LOL.
now for some reason she kept tempting me away from
my room - but I kept coming back-
and she kept tempting me with things she needed or needed done
and as it was getting closer to midnight-
Oma finally fell for the
maid for a minute or two........
.Oma knows when to give up....in...over...
so off I went to do maid duty and
suddenly I hear strange noises in my room and as
noises are generally not found in my room and
as I have completed the maid for a minute job.....
(which took more minutes than I planned )
I return to discover my grand daughter standing
on a stool in a rather strange position
and in some danger according to Oma-- but I
look up to see that she had put some words
on my wall - all in fancy letters- first
done on a special machine and then put on
where ever one wants them to go and
well no, Oma did not cry......
I saved the tears for later......because this is what the words
say.....
JESUS LOVES YOU
GOD BLESS YOU
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING
LOVE PAPA
these were the words that papa hubby always
closed the day with ......either tucking g'kids into bed
or going to his bed at night,
even the cancer could not take all the words
from him as he would struggle for breath
to finish.......
She has them displayed so that when I lay
down at night or wake up in the morning
I will see the words from his heart.
God bless my Miss Ashley
dad's side--sometimes I get confused so I do wonder how she keeps
every one in her mind.
she came home before mid night which means Oma was still
up and had not turned into a pumpkin--LOL.
now for some reason she kept tempting me away from
my room - but I kept coming back-
and she kept tempting me with things she needed or needed done
and as it was getting closer to midnight-
Oma finally fell for the
maid for a minute or two........
.Oma knows when to give up....in...over...
so off I went to do maid duty and
suddenly I hear strange noises in my room and as
noises are generally not found in my room and
as I have completed the maid for a minute job.....
(which took more minutes than I planned )
I return to discover my grand daughter standing
on a stool in a rather strange position
and in some danger according to Oma-- but I
look up to see that she had put some words
on my wall - all in fancy letters- first
done on a special machine and then put on
where ever one wants them to go and
well no, Oma did not cry......
I saved the tears for later......because this is what the words
say.....
JESUS LOVES YOU
GOD BLESS YOU
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING
LOVE PAPA
these were the words that papa hubby always
closed the day with ......either tucking g'kids into bed
or going to his bed at night,
even the cancer could not take all the words
from him as he would struggle for breath
to finish.......
She has them displayed so that when I lay
down at night or wake up in the morning
I will see the words from his heart.
God bless my Miss Ashley
Friday, June 5, 2009
clearing out the bedroom...
I got a lot of things done today because we have rain that is also snow at times so it was not fit day for man or beast to go outside. I did clear out at least 50 things since I started to sort out the bedroom..I just put down check marks as I do not want to get bogged down with lists. I know myself too well- some is gone, some things went to where they really belonged, and some is going to be giving away as soon as I get a good day for travel. The main thing is that it has all left my bedroom.
I have some of my things, some of our things and a few things of papa hubby's for decor.I am a not matchie-pooh lady so if it is something that brings me joy I have it in here.I fixed up the DVD player so I can relax and watch my/our favorite DVDs- (( I set it up all by myself and it works). I still think in terms of ''ours'' often.
It is still half bed-room and half-office. Office really means where I have my laptop and is where I write notes to my friends. I do the bills out in the dining room. I call it office only to feel more official. (smile)
My bedroom is now peaceful and filled with memories of me and we. There are special moments when I think- here I am, and I feel joy again. And even though- life is not fair and often hard I have made a place where I can have moments of peace. Moments where I can just 'be me.''
Because of the grief there has not been a lot of room for emotional baggage to stay. Cancer has a way of changing one's ambitions and priorities. For me, the only real things that matter now is to love and to notice and value the small moments of joy in my life. Things like the sunbeams on my kitchen floor, a walk to no where, my dog's tail wagging, smiling at strangers before they smile at me..........
I have learned with a deep awareness to find the things that really matter now.I have the need to learn and to grow, and to be all of who I am/ was meant to be.
And as I share my blanket of memories with friends and ''you'', my prayer is that you will be blessed.
hugs from Meme
I have some of my things, some of our things and a few things of papa hubby's for decor.I am a not matchie-pooh lady so if it is something that brings me joy I have it in here.I fixed up the DVD player so I can relax and watch my/our favorite DVDs- (( I set it up all by myself and it works). I still think in terms of ''ours'' often.
It is still half bed-room and half-office. Office really means where I have my laptop and is where I write notes to my friends. I do the bills out in the dining room. I call it office only to feel more official. (smile)
My bedroom is now peaceful and filled with memories of me and we. There are special moments when I think- here I am, and I feel joy again. And even though- life is not fair and often hard I have made a place where I can have moments of peace. Moments where I can just 'be me.''
Because of the grief there has not been a lot of room for emotional baggage to stay. Cancer has a way of changing one's ambitions and priorities. For me, the only real things that matter now is to love and to notice and value the small moments of joy in my life. Things like the sunbeams on my kitchen floor, a walk to no where, my dog's tail wagging, smiling at strangers before they smile at me..........
I have learned with a deep awareness to find the things that really matter now.I have the need to learn and to grow, and to be all of who I am/ was meant to be.
And as I share my blanket of memories with friends and ''you'', my prayer is that you will be blessed.
hugs from Meme
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Meme's content day........
I had a content day here both in body and mind-
I think I was just happy to be at the end of all the tests
and appointments and with results that I can live with..
I have been sick for over 2 years now and so
glad that the Lord gave me manna strength to take
care of dear papa
I did some amazing things with and for him
things that I could have never done on my own...
God is good.
I am not stressed with the medical results.
I got groceries today and it was book club -
last one until September
I did not finish the last book as it had
too many things in it that I do not believe-
and things against God's word.
one of our questions today was ??
what do we think heaven is like....
and my answer was that I know that it will
be a wonderful place because Jesus will be there.
I did not answer a lot of the questions
but when someone said that none of us know
about heaven so it is really up to our imagination
I did say that I know what God's
promises are re heaven and the place He is preparing
for me/us-- I was very careful to word the statement
as a witness as all the ladies do not think
that whole Bible is true- sigh-
it was a tough meeting as sometimes
I felt very disregarded for my belief and faith
but honored that I was free to speak..
but I know that what God says-God does.
we did have giggles too and I am praying
for those ladies to find the true Jesus.
I am sad that the world is rejecting
God and his promises--
Anne Frank said these words..
I DON'T THINK OF ALL THE MISERY, BUT OF ALL THE BEAUTY
THAT STILL REMAINS.
Let us keep an eye out for His beauty.
hugs from Meme
I think I was just happy to be at the end of all the tests
and appointments and with results that I can live with..
I have been sick for over 2 years now and so
glad that the Lord gave me manna strength to take
care of dear papa
I did some amazing things with and for him
things that I could have never done on my own...
God is good.
I am not stressed with the medical results.
I got groceries today and it was book club -
last one until September
I did not finish the last book as it had
too many things in it that I do not believe-
and things against God's word.
one of our questions today was ??
what do we think heaven is like....
and my answer was that I know that it will
be a wonderful place because Jesus will be there.
I did not answer a lot of the questions
but when someone said that none of us know
about heaven so it is really up to our imagination
I did say that I know what God's
promises are re heaven and the place He is preparing
for me/us-- I was very careful to word the statement
as a witness as all the ladies do not think
that whole Bible is true- sigh-
it was a tough meeting as sometimes
I felt very disregarded for my belief and faith
but honored that I was free to speak..
but I know that what God says-God does.
we did have giggles too and I am praying
for those ladies to find the true Jesus.
I am sad that the world is rejecting
God and his promises--
Anne Frank said these words..
I DON'T THINK OF ALL THE MISERY, BUT OF ALL THE BEAUTY
THAT STILL REMAINS.
Let us keep an eye out for His beauty.
hugs from Meme
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
and the doctor said...
Finally got the to see the doctor re my tummy and this is my story--ignore any thing that mentions cancer as I am ok there- however I do not know how to delete all the info and still make sense--
1. Barrett's Esophagus Barrett's esophagus. Barrett's esophagus (BE) leads to abnormal changes in the cells of the esophagus.About 10% of patients with symptomatic GERD have BE. In some cases, BE develops as an advanced stage of erosive esophagitis. While obesity, alcohol use, and smoking have all been implicated as risk factors for Barrett's esophagus, their role remains unclear. Only the persistence of GERD symptoms indicates a higher risk for BE.Not all patients with BE have either esophagitis or symptoms of GERD. In fact, studies suggest that more than half of people with BE have no GERD symptoms at all. BE, then, is likely to be much more prevalent and probably less harmful than is currently believed.. When BE patients develop abnormalities of the mucus membrane cells lining the esophagus (dysplasia), the risk of cancer rises significantly. There is some evidence that acid reflux may contribute to the development of cancer in BE.2. plus...this is the second problem most likely due to the first problem--dysphagiaIf the esophagus becomes severely injured over time, narrowed regions called strictures can develop, which may impair swallowing (a condition known as dysphagia). Stretching procedures or surgery may be required to restore normal swallowing. Strictures may actually prevent other GERD symptoms, by stopping acid from traveling up the esophagus. I also have neurogical problems in the muscles of the esophagus and this also has too be watch closely in case I lost my breath as I need these muscles to work when I breath-- It has a name too but I lost it some where in my head-3. a H. hernia about 1 inch----there is things that could be done but I told him that I am just not emotionally or physically well enough to make any decisions right now and so I will see him again on September 3 where he will explain my options. He also gave me a new prescription that should help some. My option right now is to ask for prayer. I would like to spend a joyful summer eating and with no pain. I am too thin now and need to build up my strength-- the reason I am so tired is that I am not getting enough calories due to my high metabolism and severe tummy problems .and that is my story- and I will be back soon with another tale.
-hugs from Meme who so appreciates her friends and the prayers
1. Barrett's Esophagus Barrett's esophagus. Barrett's esophagus (BE) leads to abnormal changes in the cells of the esophagus.About 10% of patients with symptomatic GERD have BE. In some cases, BE develops as an advanced stage of erosive esophagitis. While obesity, alcohol use, and smoking have all been implicated as risk factors for Barrett's esophagus, their role remains unclear. Only the persistence of GERD symptoms indicates a higher risk for BE.Not all patients with BE have either esophagitis or symptoms of GERD. In fact, studies suggest that more than half of people with BE have no GERD symptoms at all. BE, then, is likely to be much more prevalent and probably less harmful than is currently believed.. When BE patients develop abnormalities of the mucus membrane cells lining the esophagus (dysplasia), the risk of cancer rises significantly. There is some evidence that acid reflux may contribute to the development of cancer in BE.2. plus...this is the second problem most likely due to the first problem--dysphagiaIf the esophagus becomes severely injured over time, narrowed regions called strictures can develop, which may impair swallowing (a condition known as dysphagia). Stretching procedures or surgery may be required to restore normal swallowing. Strictures may actually prevent other GERD symptoms, by stopping acid from traveling up the esophagus. I also have neurogical problems in the muscles of the esophagus and this also has too be watch closely in case I lost my breath as I need these muscles to work when I breath-- It has a name too but I lost it some where in my head-3. a H. hernia about 1 inch----there is things that could be done but I told him that I am just not emotionally or physically well enough to make any decisions right now and so I will see him again on September 3 where he will explain my options. He also gave me a new prescription that should help some. My option right now is to ask for prayer. I would like to spend a joyful summer eating and with no pain. I am too thin now and need to build up my strength-- the reason I am so tired is that I am not getting enough calories due to my high metabolism and severe tummy problems .and that is my story- and I will be back soon with another tale.
-hugs from Meme who so appreciates her friends and the prayers
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