New blog name tomorrow.......

• I feel strong enough to change my blog name now
• It will still have widow in the title
• as the Lord leads me on this path
• of course, I cannot use the words
• joyful
• rejoicing or
• merry
• because they do not apply in the context
• of being a widow although
• I do have joy and I do rejoice and I can be merry
• I know that papa would laugh out loud
• at many of the things I say....
• and some times do....do....
• and I want to glory to go to the Lord
• and also respect papa hubby
• I am hoping that it will not effect my followers
• I think it should not.......
• -I appreciate you all so much
• this journey has many valleys
• and I feel the prayers of my friends
• this blog land is a wonderful
• neighborhood
• hugs from Meme

MEME NEEDS PRAYERS

today I
fell back to sleep after morning tea
I like to have my first cup of tea in bed
this is a winter treat
so maybe another month and then
spring will at least peek in and I can drink
my tea outside
went through my books in bedroom today
when the Miss Ashley moved it--
she took over my spare room
so we just put things here and there
when she came....
and of course, after a while
here and there does look rather cluttered
and this and that gets lost--so
parred to books down too so I will have
a lot to take to the church
and I have to admit I did not do many
other practical things today---
got a paper cut- LOL
so have a band-age with a helicopter
on my finger-
Ashley and I had a knock up supper
which really did not increase our health
but our happiness
I am not doing as well as I thought
I would be by now - it is almost
as if I am waking up from a long dream
so I have too re-group
so thinking of early to bed
and early to rise and see
if I can get my days organized
and also work
in some vitamins etc-
I am miss eating and I know that....
I have a hiatus hernia
which is annoying me but is
being looked after by a specialist
I am suppose to graze and eat small small meals
but of course- I need to develop
this new habit
so I am asking prayer
that I will remember to take good care of me
I know that God wants me too and papa
would too....sigh
I need to come out of the fog
I appreciate your love and comments and prayers
hugs from Meme

Some Days--

a blank post.....or not:-) I was trying to come up with something to write and nearly did not-- then I was still and heard this deep in my heart.....
---------------------------------------------------------

For me, some days are still hard.....and just going from the morning ....(mourning)......
to the night seems like a struggle-- but only on some days- I know that
you, Lord are with me on these days as well as the good days- I saw a little
story about a widow who never over came her tragedy of her loss-
She let hardness enter her heart---she was always cynical and negative=
She did become lonely and stayed looking in-ward until her death.
She missed living......so much to see and so much to do
so much to hear and so much to be- Lord, keep my mind stayed on Thee and
let me not think of my sorrows as my score but my blessings instead- It's the little things
that are daily----that are just there-- automatic blessings -
hugs from Meme
Here is a little quote prayer- but author unknown
Dear Lord,
How I wish I had been kinder----
-and more patient on this day.
How I wish I had been gentler,
Had a little less to say,
Mindful of regret and sorrow,
Teach me be wiser tomorrow.

love does not change...

I remember when David and I fell in love
and we were first married
all I could do was think about him
I cleaned for him and cooked for him
and put his sugar in his coffee that
I made for him
everything I did- I did thinking of him
because of our love
and then the babies came and my
thinking changed to reality
but our love stayed the same
but bottles and colic and diapers
and sweet babies were a new thinking
bills and a home and late suppers and us
and our love stayed
my grief was like my first
days of love
and all I could think of was
about papa David and all I
could talk about.....was him
I thought of him in the night
and the morning just continued
from the night
and I was filled with sorrow
and days of tears
and now the grief is changing
and it is frightening .........
because for so long
grief was all I had left
of him and now
I have the memories
of the way we were
and I cherish the memories
and as my grief moves slowly
into reality of living a life
of bills and dog and g'kids
and dishes and snow and spring
I can feel the joy in the sorrow
of knowing that if our love
had not been so great
my sorrow would not be so deep
I know now that God
has closed a door
but the door has a window
and that now if there
are times when I do not think
of David
I know that our love
has not changed .........
that death can not take away
what we had....or the way we were
and in
the joy of love and the sorrow of love
I still feel David's love and see his love
and hear his love
and I too love...... in return
because God gave us the love
and God is love
and death can not take away
what God has given
our love remains............
..........
hugs from Meme

and the B is for......

• BANANA- - we could not have a b with out a banana because when papa developed high blood pressure a few years ago and had to have a daily pill --his doctor suggested that he should have a banana to make up for lost potassium and David took the doctor's advice and had a banana every morning for breakfast- David did not have OCD except when it came to his daily banana and the last bite was always for Dogman
• and that brings up the next B- Dogman's real name is Bootz - named , of course, by Papa-- Bootz was a dog we did not want-
• simply because we did not want a dog but a strange(someone we did not know) lady came to our house with our daughters friend and said she was taking the dog to the shelter as he was annoying etc - sigh- and papa and I saw this little mop that no one wanted and said --we will take him and that was even after he peed on our couch- so 12 years ago we let this little dog into our home who looks like a cross between a feather duster and mop and the rest is history- now he had his house name- Bootz and his internet alias Dogman-It took a while for Bootz to trust us as he had been abused-but now he is top dog and still looks for his papa every time he goes out to his pee patch..
• and no B is complete with out the boy who is a friend- when Miss Ashley brought him to our house the first time to meet Oma and Papa she said- he is not a boyfriend----although we certainly could see that there was more than meets the eye in her story- so I started calling him the boy who is a friend and that is who he is still is known as-------they are of course, now could be considered a couple according to how things are looking from my prospective-- his name is Andrew - 19 and she is 18 and together they make life interesting-----he cooks for her too which makes life even more interesting at our house-
• I don't see much of me under the B-- but I do love God's word and have many Bibles to use in my favorite thing to do- Bible study.........
• and I also have dear Hubby's bible where he has underlined every verse of every sermon he went to after he became a Christian- and he has many names written in his Bible for prayer- it is a precious record of his love for the Lord-
• end of the B-EES ***************
• looking forward to C on another day
• HUGGLES FROM MEME

Lonely tears for family

• I think I miss papa most at the times when I need spiritual comfort in the human form-- I know the Lord is with me -and I do feel his comfort but I miss the praying together and talking of the Lord and his blessings etc.
• our family - sigh- none of them are Christians or following the Lord except Miss Ashley is in learning- she had accepted the Lord but was raised in a non christian home - so had/has a strong influence from there and her mom still makes her life quite tough- she is living here of age- I would not let her come until then -
• sometimes I feel in my heart I just want someone to talk Jesus talk with me-
• my daughters do know the way from youth but they have both made up their own rules and do not think twice to tell me that I am ''over doing this christian thing' when they are angry- they do not come here often and will not stay long-I do not condemn them and I love them and I pray- I think that they do feel conviction though as they were the right way- sigh
• papa and I had faith and belief and prayer etc. together but also alone from our families-
• the cancer did bring our families to us to witness
• but now there is much blame towards God about papa hubby dying-
• sigh--they do not understand papa's suffering or his death as a good thing- I hope you understand what I mean about it being a God good thing-
• I try to be cheerful and filled with joy but this burden of my family is great-
• this is beyond my grief for papa hubby-
• papa did have a salvation service at his memorial service- this was at his request as he wanted his family to hear the message- please pray for the seeds planted
• it is very hard to have so many non Christians in the family as I do become lonely- as even many of the outings I cannot not attend-
• I do have some church family and christian blog friends and christian lady group friends so I know I am not alone-
• and that is why I ask for pray
• one huge blessing is that one daughter did let papa take the g'kids to church so he took Miss Ashley for 18 (eight teen) years and added the two other sisters as they came- the daughter will let me take the other two if I take them over night but right now I am not strong enough in health to take them all the time- the other daughter would not let the kids come here due to our christian influence - sigh
• please pray with me that our family will be part of God's family
• hugs from Meme

A IS FOR APPLE

A friend has a meme on her site http://maryswritingnook.blogspot.com/
I hope this is the correct way to tell you about her blog and her meme--
the questions and answers are nice to read and I enjoy her blog
..........I would tag you if I knew how or tag with Mary if I knew how too--LOL
___________________________
A ----is for apple- an apple is one of the most used fruit at our house- I remember mother baking us an apple on a cold winter's night to have a hot snack before bed-- and before papa hubby got too sick he ate an apple a day...it was his bed time snack- he ate them as an apple, well- really he and the dog know as Dogman shared but papa did the biting- LOL
and being a fellow he also loved apple pie-
I met papa over a piece of apple pie - he came into the cafe where I worked with my friend - who turned out to be his sister- she introduced us and the rest is history- I never did learn how to make a great apple pie --but I can bake an apple just like mama taught me--

When I think or eat apples I am reminded of many good memories- so not only are apples good for my health but my memory too-
I call them ''my memory fruit''.
A is Ashley--the grand daughter who lives at my house and keeps me company-
she mainly does her thing and I do mine and yes, they are quite different but we always end up together at the end of the day...she eats apples too but much different than my day- she cuts them into tiny squares and then dips them in strange smelling stuff--(grin)
Maybe another day I will do the letter B
I will use the same style rather than following a list of questions
hugs from Meme

A MEME MOMENT

it was six months ago today since papa hubby went to heaven
and I am ok..things have been tough but I made it this far...
I miss him but not in the same way as originally when the grief
came to live after he passed away I was so overwhelmed by
not having him there that
I just moved in a fog--
the fog is still here but it is lighter
and I can see the future with hope
one thing I found out for me
was that death is not the end of hope---
I have even moved to the point of throwing
things away that papa hubby
would have saved for ''someday''
He was a great saver of things and he
always had a vision for that thing
He loved doing wood-work and he could
not pass a lumber yard with out having a new vision
I am not upset of having to make the decisions
of disposing his stuff
-some to sell- some to toss
and some to give away to a person of vision
papa hubby is enjoying heavenly stuff
--but I will say that it is/ and will be a lot of work
Miss Ashley is a keeper too- of papa's things
so she is going to need a big storage unit--''grin''
and because papa hubby enjoyed his stuff I
am ok about the stuff
I am glad that it is here and stayed here for him
until that sweet-bitter day
some folks wanted me to clear out his things
while he was going through the shadow of death
until the angels came to carry him HOME
Another lesson in life is that what is a treasure
to some is junk to some one else
and now I am in the middle of stuff that
seems to me to be---junk but joy junk
and I will never regret having
to dispose-
papa hubby worried about the mess
he was leaving behind for me to deal with
but I told him that his stuff was my stuff
and they were
blessings of joy for his earthly journey
((I felt joy watching him
peel his diamond willow and turn into
beautiful walking sticks...and so on.....))
so now I need to regroup the houee
into a Meme household of simplicty
and I can not find too many was in decorating
with hammers and screwdrivers and scrollsaws-
and a lot of etc. boy stuff :-)
thank you for praying for me while I go unstuff :-)

huggles me, Meme

The Hurdle

• I have always admired the runners who not only ran the race but were able to jump hurdles at the same time....hurdle meaning barriers and not hurtle which means to run wildly towards something - which I have done many times.........too
• ---(I had to look hurdle and hurtle up-because I was not sure which word to use)
• ------

to me this race seems like a contradiction in motion

• and I have never had or wanted the opportunity to try


• running in a hurdle race.......


• and yet, I discovered that grief has hurdles=


• unseen at the beginning
• ( grief not a race because it is not a competition--
• to complete)
  
• but the hurdles come later on-
  
• hidden away so that when you come around a corner


• you have to either jump over the hurdle or fall down
• and often the hurdle falls with you........


• so far a lot of hurdles have tripped me up and
• yet today I jumped over a grief hurdle...
• it was just one of those things you say.....and
• then afterward you ask yourself ''did I say what I think I said"?
• I was writing to my grief group and I said---there was/is more
• to my life than just papa hubby and his death.........ouch-
• that hurts to even say it like that, again...but
• yes, I did say it and I realized that it was
• the right time for me --
• because I know that
• I am a woman who is mother and sister and Oma
• but most of all I am a child of God
• and now I have to reclaim those parts of me
• without looking back.... and
• this in no way diminishes my love for papa hubby
• or even my grief in the loss of him-
• what is does is give me the freedom to allow me
• to move through the grief looking-forward
• - and no, it is not something
• to get over or a
• timed run to a finish nor even to quit
• but now I know that
• grief is not who I am..... it is only where I am at.....
• but like all hurdles that I have jumped over in life
• I find my self slightly off balance
• needing to get my barrings again
• and watching for the next hurdle and
• realizing that while I jumped over this one
• there are more to come
• that I cannot see
• I am not sure yet how I feel about
• this leap of faith.......
• because for me it is a leap of faith
• trusting God to teach me to live my
• life again for Him and
• believing that He does have good plans for me
• and that I will not run alone
• because
• the Lord is my shepherd.....
• and even though I jumped this hurdle
• I don't feel like I have landed yet
• pray for me to continue to
• look forward.......
• and keep my eyes on my Shepherd
• huggles me, Meme

Before cancer came to our house we took all those little things in life for granted- not even classifying them as BLESSINGS- then cancer came to teach us our blessings.

soon after the cancer noticed blessings came : such as getting up together in the morning -taking a walk to the bathroom too-- chicken noodle soup was papa's favorite blessing--chemo was a blessing. friends were a blessing- prayer was a blessing--and so on and so--I know you will get the picture -

we also lost old blessings- papa was too sick to even sit in a shower- his feet were so swollen that he could not get his shoes on---he could not read ----his hair fell out and grew in a soft baby fine gray-( he had his spender instead of his strength)
he did not have a eating plan anymore as he could not eat- then one day he could not walk- then one day he was too weak to sign his name-- then one day he could not drink water because he could not swallow- but God showed me how to bless him by dropping water into his mouth slowly one drop at a time--drops no bigger than my tears- then he was too weak to open his eyes but God sent Miss Ashley to hold papa hubby's eyes open- she was his blessing-his friends held his hands and they were his blessings- and his faith was strong in his weakness..
I see so much now- I understand so much now- little blessings do count- if you could read this note- you were /are blessed-
******a verse for you on my way out of the blog
''The glory of the young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old.''
please count your blessings as blessings- because when you lose your blessings - they will be missed

meme says

I used to write tales of my yesterdays but left the habit behind when papa was sick- now it is time to start again- so I started a blog just for this or that-
this will be stories from my life as wife- mother- daughter - sister - grandma
and mostly filled with fun and blessed times --
they are facts as I remember them
----I will also add a few that I wrote before cancer came to our house
I am calling it ---in days gone by- Meme
and I will leave a link at another time
I need to fool and fiddle with it for a while--LOL
feel free to follow once I get things sorted out-
and enjoy
hugs from Meme

Missing papa hubby tonight

• I have these moments where I cannot hardly breathe
• for missing papa hubby
• I am at peace for where he is but
• oh - how I wish he was here with me
• Cancer changes so much in life
• I pray for 3 ladies here on the blogs who
• have to fight the battle
• I know the battle is not theirs-
• but the Lord's but I still hate
• cancer-
• I am doing good some of the time now
• I know that I can manage the majority
• of things on my own
• but
• I loved sharing and caring for papa David
• I try very hard not to question God
• but there are times -----
• I do ask ''why?''
• I am still and quiet
• but I do not hear the answer- sigh
• I am glad to come here and let others
• listen to my heart-
• one day I will know the answer
• and I will be able to accept the answer
• soft hugs and prayers=
• pray for our cancer friends
• good night and
• God bless everyone!!

DAY BY DAY

I HAVE SEEN YOU IN THE SANCTUARY AND BEHELD YOUR POWER AND YOUR GLORY. PSALM 63:2 NIV

• I do the church chores at our local church and one of the most important parts of the week - is cleaning the sanctuary- often one does not get to to in to the sanctuary alone and when no one else is there-
• I find peace there and it is a place that calms my grief=
• I am still finding it hard to go to church on Sunday with out dear papa hubby and I am so glad that God has given me this time to feel the quiet and the calm amid the storms
• ''be still'' - such a blessed feeling to have the things of your heart soften and stop -
• I praise God for this time to be alone and yet not alone- to feel his power and his glory
• huggles me, Meme

SOMETIMES.....

• I do not feel like a widow- I feel like I am still papa's wife
• I am not sure who ever coined the phrase''merry widow-''
• but I do not feel merry and yet now I feel a peace
• that what is now my new path of discovery
• I now know that I can live alone
• it is not easy
• it is not fun
• and it hurts most of the time
• but
• I am doing it......
• I thank God for getting me this far on my journey
• I now know that I was a good wife
• who was there for papa hubby
• in sickness and health
• just as I know he loved me
• and was there for me
• in sickness and health
• it is important for our younger generations
• to understand that marriage is more than
• just being in love
• it is keeping Love- and vows
• inside out and up side down
• it is about yesterday and today and tomorrow
• but how will they know
• if we do not show them our love
• that they can see and love
• that they can hear........

hugs Meme who just wrote this blog with no spelling errors identified :-)

MEME IS ON A REST

I ran out of steam so I am continuing to rest in the Lord
I know that the Lord is restoring me
and that He has good plans for me-
My body is wore down from my last year and grief is
a very hard thing to be in......and now I
feel that the time is right for me to renew and rest and restore=
I will still grieve my loss of dear papa hubby but as I grieve
I will rejoice that I am blessed to have grief -------

today I did a lot of nothing and I enjoyed it-
it reminded me of a quote I have on the board in my kitchen--

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do -- the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.'' hugs Meme

spring will come

I decided that it is time to start with the ''spring cleaning''-- this will be a tougher job than most years as I had hubby help in theprevious years
and also some things have to go........some mine........some his.......
and some 'ours'--some how we are drowning in clutter
clutter is nice to have if you can use it-- but you can only use
one or two things at a time
and there is the dust that some how creeps under
everything and on to every thing
and into everything-------------
Now papa hubby was a keeper of all things
and he often forgot what he did have
or he could not find it--(been there and done that too)
so papa hubby is all guilty (smile)
He was a tool man and never met a wood board that he did not like
I am going to put most of the things I do not understand
into a corner so in the spring
some friends will help me set up
a garage sale=
I know that will be a hard day but is
will also give me freedom-
I will have my memories in my heart
and will not need things to remind
me of papa hubby
I will keep small things and
also give some things to the kids
and grand kids
and I will be free from the bondage of stuff
-----it will be a fine spring cleaning--
for my house and head and heart
the BIBLE says:

your heart will be where your treasure is..Matt. 6:21


Meme who is fighting with dust bunnies-

RESTORING JOY

RESTORING JOY
As I talk about my new year I must say
that I am not talking of joy as the world sees joy and
happiness
instead I am choosing to start restoring my
JOY IN THE LORD
I will still be in grief for papa hubby
and I will still mourn
and none of those blessed feelings I had/have for him will change
I will simply follow the Lord 's timing
in the restoration of joy that He has for me
I know that the Lord needs me in a ministry
for Him
my ministry was in encouragement and
cheerfulness of life
and I do not feel that is to change
at this time
and so
I need to start to rebuild my broken world
no- it does not mean that Meme
will be a party girl or
be a pollyanna ( always looking at the bright side)
or anything of the world's fake joy
I know that it will be a struggle
and some days I will fall down
but I know who will pick me up again
I know the Mastor's voice
I will find joy in tears and in laughter
like today....
- I was using papa's flashlight
that his friend gave a few years ago
you shake it up and down
and it gives you light
and I noticed that it is called
Eternity Flashlight and I was
immediately reminded of where David is
and also gave me a laugh when
I realized he did not take with him-
heheheehe
I think my restoring joy will be like
the flashlight- it will need to be shaken
up and down before it will work
I found this little saying
from an unknown author
which I will share tonight
---
Grief is not a mountain to be climbed,
with the strong reaching the summit
long before the weak.
Grief is not an athletic event,
with stop watches timing our progress.
Grief is a walk through loss and pain
with no competition and no time trials.
double Hugs from Meme