A NEW WEEK

• I have had a good week
• keeping my peace with hope
• but peace is not with out sorrow
• I went up stairs this week and began
• to take papa hubby's world on earth
• apart-
• this is difficult as he was such a hobby man
• wood work - hockey cards- comic books- rocks
• and anything else that took up his time
• plus a lot of etc. :-)
• he enjoyed these things and also was a keeper
• and it is difficult to sort through his treasures
• and decide what to toss and what to keep and
• what to give away-
• He made beautiful diamond willow walking sticks
• and canes from scratch- he cut the trees -dried them
• and peeled the bark and etc- it is quite an interesting
• hobby and requires hard work and patience--
• the cancer came so fast and so hard that he
• never had the time to organize or clean up his things
• and he fussed about that but I assured that all
• was well and that I could do it for him later
• it is later now and he no longer has need of
• his earth treasures but I am glad that he had them
• he used to drink in bars and was a bit on the wild side
• and then in 1972 he came home and said that he
• was not going to drink anymore as he could see how it
• was hurting me and he never did!!
• he just quit and asked
• God to replace his alcohol with something else and
• God did and He gave papa hubby a love for nature -
• He could find pictures in rocks and wood-
• He make rings and things with the rocks after
• he cut them and polished them and
• he just knew how to pick out the art of God
• so now as I go through his things I find treasures too
• a lot I will give to family members- no matter the value
• things are things on earth and heaven is coming
• I think of being on this side of heaven and papa
• hubby is on the other side and our love
• is eternal-
• what a wonderful thing to know the plans that
• God has for each us-
• hugs from Meme

checking in....

I am getting behind on bloggingbut I have been enjoying the fresh air and sunshine.
I am doing ok
I did not think I would ever be ok again but I am......
.the grief is quiet for now.
I remember when our kids were little and how at the age of two they would want to be to independent but every once in a while they would suddenly cling
to us even if they knew we were just leaving the room
and would return.....
and trying to untangle a two year old who has decidedto hang on to a leg was no small feat--
- and I remember how I would bend down and pick them up and hold them and reassure them that mama loved them and would not go away -
and that is how this grief is----
I know Jesus is with me
but sometimes I have to just hang on to Him for dear life
as if He was going to leave the room with out me and He
does bend down and pick me up and hold me and love me and reassure me-
that He is my comforter and shepherd
and we will go or not go together.........
.He loves me and you......
and that is enough for me-
have a wonder week and I will try to report in with a tale or two--
hugs from Meme

Because I love him.......

this morning I was having one of those "" why""" moments
why God?
why papa hubby?
why me?
and then I heard that small quiet voice
that we all can hear when we listen with our heart
""BECAUSE I LOVE HIM
BECAUSE HE IS MINE
HE IS MY BELOVED""
and then I knew that all the crys
of my heart have been answered
that God was in control
that God was right
and that God so loved papa David
that He gave his beloved and only son so
that David did not perish but has everlasting life-
and this afternoon I was sitting on the balcony
with Dogman on his loveseat (yes, Dogman has
his own loveseat outside too)
and the sun was shining on us
and the breeze was warm
and the world was silent
and all was well with my soul.
I had peace beyond understanding
He is my shelter from the storm-
hugs from Meme

the Sliver

today Miss Ashley got a sliver in her hand-(she is dear grand daughter-19- who lives full time with Oma now due to family issues )
Now papa hubby was the doctor hug in our house- he dealt with the blood and bruises and slivers and the tears- Oma was back up...........
Miss Ashley broke down and cried and cried for her papa - she would not let Oma help except to listen - she needed papa- I got her supplies- needle and tweezers and kleenex
she did get it out on her own with many tears- it was not the pain of the sliver that made tears but that papa was not there to do it or comfort her........but I am so proud of her as she worked both the sliver and the tears out-
it is important for her to cry also - she was a blessing to her papa in his cancer journey
she was here for him from the first day and did not shy away from helping him- she even cut his hair for him and lifted him in bed for comfort and the last night before his home
coming she held his eyes open for his to see- his muscles were too weak - she just knew what to do and he would always thank her - she knew he wanted to see us and she knew how long to hold them open and then let them rest- it gave papa a rather surprised look and we all had a memory making laugh-
the nurses were surprised that a teen age girl would spend so much time with him and do careful caring things for him- she taught them a lot about love .........
so you- see- the sliver was more than a sliver- it was a memory -
she is fine now and we both talked about papa being safe from slivers in his eternal life-
huggles from Meme who is still learning.....

grief thoughts......

I thought that I could manage my grief by this time- but thoughts of mine
are not the Lords-
His thoughts and plans are good for me and my future
and so He guides me in the grief-
I do not know where I am at except past the
beginning -
I thought I could run away from the grief and I thought I could
walk alone in the grief- but I can do neither
I had a opinion that some how grief effected my relationship or walk
with the Lord- I thought that I should have it all together by now but I
did not trust in Lord's timing........
I can say that the grief is less painful and more joyful.
I know- it is hard to understand this joy.........but as I miss the world
that I had - I see a new world opening for me- a world with out papa hubby
but a world with memories of him as husband- father- papa -
Papa hubby has gone to his new home and the Lord is preparing a place
for me also but until He takes me home
I must put my trust in Him and follow what ever path He leads me on-
I believe that grief will always be a part of my/our walk because grief is
a result of love-
so some days I will come with tears and some days I will come
with laughter
but my friends- I will come because I cannot walk this journey
alone and I know that the Lord is leading to touch the hearts of
others - friends are gifts from God
and while I am talking and walking my/our
Lord is my shepherd
He will not leave me alone
and He will not leave you alone
hugs from Meme

The Me in We......

I realize that I have not told you a lot of things
about me as my mind is still caught in the grief -

so here is a bit of this and that's
I was raised on a farm - with one brother
my father was a homesteader and born
on his father's homestead in 1910 ( grandpa came from Sweden)
mother was also a homesteader's daughter(grandpa came from Scotland)
they lived about 3 miles a part -
brother has the original homestead now -just over 100 years old
the farm that is ..not brother Bill-LOL
we did not have running water- unless we ran and got it
or indoor plumbing of any kind
the old out house is still standing
and father and mother build a modern house in 1970
our heat was wood cut from the homestead trees
dried for a year and then sawed into logs for the heater
and split for the kitchen cook stove.-

coming to town was quite an experience for me
to have bath tubs and taps and a stove
that turned on with buttons.-

I was raised to be a wife........
and married at what would be considered now
as young but was normal in my life.
I was 18 and papa hubby was 27 -
he was never considered too old for me--LOL
that was how life was in the fifties and sixties
we had 2 daughters- Bonita and Tammy
I worked part time but only jobs that I was able
to do when papa hubby was home so our
kids were not baby sat often........ -

I took an rehabilitation practitioner course
and worked for 15 years at a group home
this was during a time when hubby was injured
with his back and had 6 back fusions --
sadly none of them helped and he was
disabled the last 12 years but still very independent
we spent most of our time together--
when one or the other was not working...

we did not ever become rich in money
but we were rich in love........
we both gave our hearts to the Lord in 1987
and began our walk with the our Shepherd..
I, from watching Billy Graham and papa hubby
at the little pentecostal church I made him go too-
that is a funny story but I was scared to go
as I had heard so many strange stories
and when we got there- we discovered a lot of
normal folks went there too-LOL
we were so blessed by God in that church
but sadly it broke down when our pastor retired
and many members left -
because we took our grand kids to church and
we needed one with a Sunday School.. so
we found a new church for them- Papa hubby
took grand kids to church for 18 years- and
I am so glad we/he did........we/I attend a church of the
Nazarene now - at papa hubby's memorial service
our dear pentecostal pastor was there for us too --

you will get to notice other things about me as
I write here- I am more of an introvert and
I will be 61 in May and I don't feel a day over 60 (grin)
I clean our church to help my income now that hubby is gone--

I love the Lord and I am so thankful for what He has done for me
I hang on to my hope--as -- I miss my papa hubby
whose name was David Allan- and I know that he
is indeed in peace with no pain or sickness or disabilities
huggles from Meme
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD!!!!!
>

Clearing out

• this year's spring cleaning is really a clearing out
• it is hard to imagine how many things a couple
• will hang on to and now that I am alone
• the things- have less meaning
• so I have been busy clearing out =
• papa hubby was a keeper of things
• and he often kept them in various places
• so I run into things all the time
• some times it is a good find
• like yesterday finding a special silver dollar
• from the royal canadian mint- 2006
• complete in case and unopened
• made of fine silver
• it is to celebrate something but I
• can not guess what and I do not want to dig
• it out of the case right now - need gloves for that
• that was papa hubby's rule--LOL
• then to day I found that we paid all our household
• bills in 2000 - so I shredded them with no gloves
• I found a quote also but with no author
• I will share it with you as I think that it
• applies well to my new life
• LORD, PLEASE GIVE ME COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO WALK ALONE, SO I MAY TURN EACH STUMBLING BLOCK INTO A STEPPING STONE.
• I am doing that as I move in this journey- some days I stand still--
• some days I fall down- some days I get up and some days I take a step
• but I always stay with my SHEPHERD-
• I will continue to clear out as I move along this journey
• have a wonder filled day tomorrow
• and pause for a moment to tell someone
• you love- that you love them and give them
• a meme hug
• huggles from Meme

HOT PINK MEME

I have been having problems with my shoulders and the doctor told me to buy sports bras-
not because I was blessed with anything to put in the bra but because they have better shoulder straps-
and support more than just boobs-( he did not quite say it in those words but........wink)
so the other day I found some on sale and decided to try one- now I am rather on the conservative side of life and most of my bras are white- plus one black one just in case-
well- these sports bras are not white- just black or navy or hot pink - glow in the dark pink-
so of course- Meme chose the black and only one as I wanted to see how well it would help-
and they do work- no digging in straps or those annoying hooks at the back- that you have to do a trick just to get it together-
even better for my back muscles....
.so Meme says- well- if one is good - then two are better - so I can always wear one- while one is in the laundry--
now my mind just went wild as we were entering the store and I said to Miss Ashley- if they have the hot pink one in my size--- I am getting it- of course- I felt sure that the one and only hot pink bra would be gone so I could speak with calm assurance- and shock Ashley a little bit too......

.ha- it was still there and my size and yes- it is now in my house- it is the best goodie thing I have done for myself since papa hubby left- and he would have died laughing--
-he liked my colorful socks and my red shoes that are from the wizard of oz-
Miss Ashley is still LOL and quite impressed that I could be so bold=
so now I have a black one and a dark navy one and a HOT PINKONE----
-and if the fellows read this- you now know what I think of those horrid bras that make us like houdini to get into and out of-
hugs from Meme

Coffee with Papa

• before papa hubby became sick in December of 200
• we would have a special coffee time
• together each day- French vanilla instant cappuccino-
• it was sort of like a date-
• it was a nice time of day for us to just share this and that--
• after he came home from the hospital with cancer
• we still had our coffee once a day-
• papa David was not able to drink the whole cup anymore but he loved
• the bubbles (foam) and I would share my bubbles with him-
• even his last few days he was able to have his bubbles
• but unable to drink the coffee
• as he had difficulty swallowing.
• after he passed away when I went to the store they were out
• of our coffee---
• there were other brands but this was the special brand that
• he and I enjoyed together
• it has been out of stock since last Augest-
• and today when I was with Ashley we found some-
• yes- the same brand and the same price :-)
• I came home and it was so nice to sit down and enjoy
• a cup of our coffee and also tell Ashley the bubble story
• it was a happy memory and I enjoyed the coffee
• and even though, he is not here to share the bubbles
• I had a blessing in the heart-

standing still

• I am at a place in my grief where I am standing still
• I am waiting on the Lord to show me what way to go
• I am beyond the pain of
• missing papa hubby and I am
• letting go of needing him
• but letting
• go is difficult so that is why I am standing still
• waiting for my Shepherd to lead me
• I can let go of papa's personal things
• because I know he is healed-
• no more glasses and no more
• back braces
• no more clothes-
• or canes or shoes or walkers -----
• no more pills or pic lines or chemo
• or morphine bags attached to his frail body
• no more cancer-
• no more carrying hime
• no more not walking
• no more anything because
• papa hubby is healed-
• my heart is still broken and I know that the Lord
• will mend me- and although cracks will remain
• I will be used by Him
• I need restoration and I know that He will
• restore me-
• the Lord is my hope
• the Lord is my shepherd
• who now he has his friend ''papa''
• and He has made him whole
• hugs from Meme
  

Meme is feeling lost..

• the last few days I have felt so lost and beyond lonely
• I find it hard to make decisions with out dear
• hubby input
• but I am still marching even if I am standing in place
• .......I have been keeping busy also
• which is good for me- cleaning out stuff
• like drawers and shelves and down
• sizing my books
• and spring cleaning as I go....
• most are good condition and Christian so I
• am blessing the church library
• and cook books for Miss Ashley
• today I did get to the bank
• which took a weight off my shoulders
• and I did go to my book club
• where other old ladies like me
• get together and
• giggle and sometimes read
• the chosen book
• we are not serious and just have fun
• so off I go...tomorrow is a new day
• and I shall rejoice -
• huggles from Meme