Meme and the weekend

• a weeping week end for Meme


• went shopping which was long over due


• just missed papa being with me to


• push the cart and also to comment on purchases


• we always had so much fun together shopping


• and he was never in a hurry to get there or to leave


• also had a visit today from some of papa's friends


• which was a good thing but


• also bitter sweet- we swapped papa stories


• the house does look like Christmas is coming]


• with the tree and etc. and


• it was sad to see how some of the shoppers acted


• on Friday- how can any thing or any savings cause


• someone to walk over a person while they lay dieing


• has our greed completely become so evil that some thing


• means more than some one's life


• last year we did not get to shop or decorate


• as dear David was just to sick


• and yet, we had joy and hope and faith and Christmas


• that is what Christmas is====not stuff on sale but


• a day given to us to celebrate the babe's birth


• I am doing more new things alone now


• and I can do them with a broken smile


• papa will be having christmas with Jesus this year


• and for that reason= I can rejoice in the season

huggles me, Meme aka Oma

“[The Word Became Flesh] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”- John 1:1-2, 14

• some more papa David left-over business done today
• it went well and I kept myself together by hanging
• on to the Lord who is my shepherd
• it helped that the people involved made me feel like
• David was a real person rather than a number
• they did not know him well but they were so kind
• and helpful --rather than official
• just a few more things to do and then I can just be done-
• papa David does not need a driver's license in heaven
• as he has wings--(smile)
• I can make soft jokes about him now as I am happy for him
• just sad for me and those who loved him as we miss him
• I will have a new Christmas this year as it is important
• to our grands and with papa so sick last year they missed out
• having anything at oma/papa's house
• so we will hang stockings and have new and old traditions mixed
• skipping Christmas would not change how much we will
• miss him and he would be pleased that we are celebrating
• our dear Saviour's birthday
• we will make a birthday cake for Jesus (new)
• HUGGLES MEME

Deck the Halls

• December is almost here and it is one month now
• until another Christmas eve will be here
• Miss Ashley and I have done some decorating
• it is very bitter-sweet- and we will try it invent some new traditions
• she did the tree in silver and blue and some purple
• and then we found this and that from other years to add
• we have papa David's favorite hamburger and fries salt and pepper shakers
• under the tree - they are shaped like a burger and fries
• we did a little window decorating in the kitchen
• so there is a light in the window-
• she found a decoration a friend made a couple of years ago
• it is a bulb with a feather in it so she picked it out for a decoration
• for remembering papa---(thanks Terrie)
• last year we missed Christmas as it was the sick month and
• the beginning of cancer as we knew it for David-
• it was the month
• when we found out how short
• and special life really is----and although we missed Christmas
• Christmas did not miss us because
• the babe in the manger came and became
• the beginning of eternity for all of us..and the reason for for the season
• the stars shine for us telling us to remember the King who gave
• us life and love and joy and faith in place of silver and gold
• I am hoping that Ashley is done decorating now or we will
• have to move out as there will be no room at this inn for us--LOL
• take care and share some joy and faith this year
• huggles me, Meme

walking -------

Today is one of those days that was a widow walking day
It is amazing how paper work is still involved with David
even though the government is notified immediately about
a death so there can be no fraud by someone who would
try to use the identity=
things did get straighted out fortunately and they confirmed
that it was their/computer mistake- sigh
but at the time it is confusing and difficult to even know
what to do'''''
today is now 4 months since David graduated to his heavenly home
and I miss him more now than then-- Then I was simply relieved
that he had gone ''Home'' and left his old broken shell behind
and not accepting his leaving as a reality-
Now I know in my heart he is gone-- I am looking forward to spring although
winter has not even come yet but spring is a time of renewal -but until then I
will be ok as the Lord is my shepherd-

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you(papa) Philippians 1:3
What a wonderful verse to encourage me to continue on with the Lord and our
memories in my heart-
Huggles me, Meme

a change needed for now

• Yesterday I hit the wall and realized that
• I cannot blog backwards right now
• I have to just look forward and until He storeth my soul
• the pain of the past few months is too deep
• of a well and I need to rest beside some still waters
• I will still blog here but for now I have to put
• our cancer journey on ''hold''-
• we know the end of the story and
• where dear papa is
• and that
• is enough for now
• I wanted to tell papa's story but now
• is not the right time for me.....
• but know that I will continue
• to blog my journey as a widow and I
• will have lots of remembering papa but
• only as the memories come rather
• than looking back for memores
• when the times is right then
• I will continue the journey
• and I will be sharing my walk uphill
• with the Lord as my Shepherd
• with you all day by day
• thank you for being here and
• for caring and praying
• huggles me, Meme

winter blues

• I think the beginning of winter has caught up with me
• I slept a lot today which was ok but it makes the day short
• I have had 3 very intensive deep sorrow days in a row
• I know that papa David is safe as can be at the Father's feet
• but right now, I just want him here
• in his chair
• and yet, I
• am so happy to know where he is at--
• I never knew before that you can be happy and in sorrow
• at the same time...and some how it comes out as
• Joy in the mourning
• I found an old pair of David's glasses today
• which reminded me of how he would sit and
• journal his Bible- he had a hard time reading plus
• remembering
• so when he copied the bible out by hand
• it stayed in his mind more
• He got as far in the new testament as the end of the corinthians
• and also did the Psalm and Proverbs-
• I taught him to read shortly after I met him
• with newspaper articles
• as he was taken out of school at the age of 14 to
• yo work shovel coal into basements as that
• was the fuel to heat homes in the fifties
• parents could do that then and so we
• had a generation who received very little eduacation
• in our town- and many other small towns
• his cancer took away his ability to read
• the last 5 months
• so I would read the Psalms to him and then
• he would remember= he knew the Lord's prayer and 23 psalm
• and would repeat them with us
• -----good night------from Meme

the first snow

• to day we woke up to snow and suddenly
• my heart wanted papa so much
• he had a way of brushing off the car
• that I miss--I would watch him out our kitchen window
• I did brush/sweep off our big balcony
• and made sure Dogman could get to his
• pee patch--not as neatly as papa
• would have done but it is done
• I did some things in our basement too
• which was really papa's territory
• so I almost feel as I am invading
• it is tough tossing his treasures
• and sorting his tools= but it needs
• to be started and he has so much
• in odds and ends I feel there will be no end
• I missed his kiss on top of my head
• after I banged it on the stairs -
• I spent most of the day alone
• and managed ok until the country music
• awards came on......which was another favorite
• of his....I got so ''homesick'' for dear David
• that I called my grand daughter home
• the good news she was already on her way
• now we have had a chat
• and fed the dog and bird
• - I will continue our last December tomorrow
• our internet was not co-operating the last
• two days so I was off the net which
• I suppose it better than being ''off my rocker''LOL
• missing Papa a lot tonight with ''tears''
• I wonder if there is snow in heaven----
• I do like snow as it cleans everything up
• even though underneath the dirt is hiding
• huggles me
• Meme

WOUNDS INTO SCARS

I am beginning to notice that on my widow journey that some of my wounds are turning into scars-
I was troubled about this at first as my mind sees healing as becoming the same as before but as I was reading
about Jesus when he returned to his disciples -- He still had his scars - and by those scars we know that we will be healed--
I realize now that I too will have scars which at times I will show others or at times others will recognize in me-
It is a journey of unknown discoveries- a journey I could not take with out having first taking the marriage vows and then the journey of two to become one -
sometimes I just want to quit hurting but the wounds must remain open until they are clean and safe so that scars will not need to be reopened or cause infection(bitterness)
- we would not want stitches to close a wound if the wound was not cleaned first-and to be given something for the pain--God gave us his promises to help with the pain and the healing- and gave us our grief - (we cannot have grief with out love)
I am learning that grief is a good thing.....
I am learning that with healing of grief does not change my love for David -- and it does not change God's love for me-He collects our tears in a bottle- psalm 56:8
I need to learn to : TO REST IN THE LORD, AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM.......PSALM 37:7 Waiting has always been hard for me --It is hard to quiet my mind and hear the Lord speak to me in every tear drop-and trust that one day I too shall be healed with no open wounds. I still hurt but I know that the Lord is doing something to cleanse my wounds- I know that I can still fall down but the Lord will help me up again.

AND GOD SHALL WIPE AWAY ALL THE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES; AND THERE SHALL BE NO MORE DEATH, NEITHER SORROW, NOR CRYING, NEITHER SHALL THERE BE ANY PAIN: FOR THE FORMER THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY. REVELATION 21:4

huggles me, Meme--who is trusting God to keep His word

a note from Meme

note from Meme
I am so glad that I got the last two days told as for me- December 19 was the hardest day but once I started the battle the next day - the battle was half won- I am glad that we got on the Lord's train immediately as He gave us so many blessings.....I will continue the rest of the story at another time-
Tonight was the last grief group - it was only 6 weeks - it did help me- and I did meet some other widows who now if I see them- I will know why they have broken smiles-
Also did more in the kitchen today- trying to decline keeping stuff --LOL and gain space so I am not doing so much house work -- I am old and tired and it is not a lot of fun to do it for ''just me- and I feel a quiet spaces may help me gain a new path for me- also I will have to find a part time job soon as we do not have a lot of savings and papa was too poor to leave me much to live on beyond spring- however he did the best he could and I know that the Lord will supply all my needs-
well, friends--good night with a meme thought--
Yesterday is in the secret room of my heart--where I keep the memories of our life together-I can cherish our laughter from another time- treasure the tears we spent and let these memories brighten my day and rejoice because making memories together is what made our marriage complete=
huggles me, Meme

A NEW DAY IN DECEMBER

One good thing about not sleeping is-- that is not hard to wake up-- but while I cried alone I also cried out to the Lord for strength- to get through this ordeal- I was not thinking of a journey yet- in fact it reminded me of a title of a book by Phil Callaway---WHO PUT THE SKUNK IN THE TRUNK? or LEARNING TO LAUGH WHEN LIFE STINKS- (A funny but serious book )
On December 20 I was still the me who had reached the fine age of 59- been married to David for just over 41 of those years- We went every where together - we were known as David and Marilyn and where one was- the other was sure to follow- I do not drive due to eye sight conditions and so when I needed to go- David would take me- he was a faithful taxi driver - and quite enjoyed the role- I also did not have good health and did not have a lot of physical strength - I am just under a 100 pounds and have weighted approximately the same for the last 40 years- and I was keeper of the home- and we were best friends.
I remember so clearly the Lord telling me that He would give me manna strength for today and all the days to come- no more or no less than I would need for each day to come- and that I would be able to do what was needed - this became my daily prayer- Lord, give me manna strength and our motto became THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHERD- and yes, you will see the manna strength in all the days of our journey together living with cancer.
David and I planned to talk about our future as we now knew it as soon as we were together but God had other plans- David was kept so busy with nurses and tests and visitors that we had no time alone that day- and all the pastors that he knew came to see him and pray out loud and read scripture- David just had to lay there and everyone else did for him- he still was not allowed to shave due to possible bleeding and much to his horror he was not allowed to put his teeth back in as again there was a chance of bleeding- all we could do is laugh as there was not time for tears- (there was a man in the other bed who told his wife he had never heard so many sermons in one day )
His doctor came in and told him that his vitamin k was increasing and if all went well he would put a stint in on Friday to start moving the poison from the jaundice in David's system- He told us that David was very sick even with out the cancer and the next couple of days would be tough - then he told us that was the stint was in--a cancer doctor would be in and they would start a plan for treatment- he explained why surgery was not an option and if all went well the doctor hoped that David would live for one to two years- David took the news well considering the source and we both just held hands and listened to the doctor talk about stints and stages and treatments- and we forgot everything he told us.......but we were ready to go forward in spite our our fears-
THE LORD IS GOOD. WHEN TROUBLE COMES, HE IS A STRONG REFUGE. AND HE KNOWS EVERYONE WHO TRUSTS IN HIM. NAHUM 1:7
I went home and slept :-)
huggles me, Meme
papa's favorite saying became: When the tough get going- they go get icecream--( cancer could not take his sence of humor)

A DARK DAY

December 19--2007-- I think we all have days that we remember in whole and days we would like to forget- this was one of those days that I will never forget but hate to remember-- I remember waking up content even though David had spent his first night in the city hospital- I knew that he would be finally getting some treatment and that we could start to move on-- we had been in such a holding pattern for nearly 6 weeks that we were exhausted - it was also the day that I had to go to the denturist and leave my teeth behind- well, really only the bottoms but it is harder to keep the tops in with no bottoms- my daughter took me and dropped me off and I walked home; half toothless which means I had to be very careful how I smiled or sneezed (LOL)
- David had called me and was doing ok- he was still in the emergency ward as they still had not found him a bed but he and they had hope- he slept on a stretcher with the sides up- and he had to pee in a can as he was no longer allowed to get up- because his vitamin K had completely depleted and they were worried if he fell that he could bleed out- they were giving him vitamin k and taking his blood once a hour to see if the body was receiving the vitamin K- so far so good---
I did chores and arranged to get a ride to the hospital later in the day- around 3-o'clock David phoned again and he was crying- the doctor had just came in with his results from the C- scan and told him that he had TERMINAL CANCER- we both just cried- there was nothing else to say- cancer scared us enough but once it was preceded with the word terminal, it renews and heightens the meaning of cancer - we had already tried to deal with the cancer diagnosis but we had dreamed of surgery and chemo mistakes of the results and all those things that we had heard about cancer- we had decided that we could live with cancer but terminal cancer changes your whole life again-we cried together and then he had to go as the doctor wanted to talk to me and I needed to be off the phone as doctors do not use voice message even just to say they called---the doctor never did call but I did see him the next day..
the church secretary came over to the house- our pastor was with David when they told David his news and the doctor also talked to the pastor-- I still wish that I had been there but it was not be.......sigh........I just remember feeling numb and wanting to see David now - and not later and not even knowing who to call...and just waiting in shock--
the pastor did come to the house later and told me what the doctor had said about the terminal cancer- it had contained the pancreas completely and moved out into the stomach and the upper bowel- there could be no surgery- after he left I remember just sitting on the floor with Dogman talking to him and crying =and praying-
The boy who is a friend and Miss Ashley came up to take me to see David- I did not tell them yet as I had only talked to Ashley on the phone and could not bring myself to speaking the words- Ashley was tired and napping in the back seat and we were nearly to the hospital when Andrew asked me if papa had his scan and the results=I said yes and when he asked all I could say was ''bad ''= Napping Ashley nearly leaped into the front seat wanting to know what and why and so I told them both as best as I could-- I can still hear Miss Ashley sobbing in the back seat and I had no words to comfort her- there really are times with there is nothing to say.
We went up to see Papa and he finally had a room and a bed-- he was doing ok and was happy to see us- I told him I had told Ashley as this was not a time for false hope or pretending anything- they both cried together and I remember him telling her what he always told her--everything is going to be alright- there was so much going on with David re nurses etc that it was hard to even get a conversation finished - they had to keep taking his blood and also keep checking his needle marks and intravenous areas etc. to make sure there was no bleeding- the good news was they were going to make sure he did not bleed to death-see I have a sence of humor now--(wink)- papa seemed content and he liked his doctor and I don't think he had really soaked in what terminal cancer meant-
the kids and I came home and I remember there was tons of messages on the phone and I also had to call his brothers and sisters etc- -- Brother Bob called the sisters as I was too exhausted to keep talking on a phone-- and I had to call our kids too-- David and I did talk some on the phone before bed as he was allowed to use his cell phone in the hospital - even though you see signs every where saying not to- the nurses assured him it was ok- Ashley refused to leave me alone and stayed the night- I cried all night long =
---that is enough of our December 19-2007- there is not much more to say for that day- it was the end of our hope and the beginning of a our hope- we were to discover what the Lord is my shepherd really means--
huggles me, Meme

taking steps........

Today I put our table back in the spot where papa and I always had it--
I moved it in June when he last went to the hospital as it hurt to see his
empty chair but now it is time to put it back in place- I will sit in his
spot and do my puzzles - I miss him being there when I come around
the corner but I know that he is so very gone now to anotherplace where
he will not have to leave --------and he is alright
I also spoke with our pastor and let him know that I am unable to attend
social functions at the church right now- I need more time to adjust being
there with out my hubby- and he understood my feelings..
we also talked about our Miss Ashley and her shattered heart
I know that she is so lost with out papa but she hangs in here
with Oma so we will pray for her to be healed
she is not happy with God right now as she cannot understand the
answers to prayer yet....I don't always understand either and I know she has
doubts right now- so- please pray for her unbelief......( of prayer)
she feels that God does not hear her........I know this too shall pass
Brother Bob--(David's) stopped in to day and he is still
very hurt and growing bitter--sigh-
pray for his salvation
we got a calendar addressed to David in the mail but it is in the french language
so we are going to use it this new year
as Miss Ashley says it will remind us that it came for papa
so I will be dating my blogs in french--LOL-
take care and I will write tomorrow
I need to continue the journey
but I also need to talk about the here and now
so you know what mischief etc. I get into..
huggles me, Meme aka Oma

thinking out loud..

thinking out loud.......
Although the telling of David's journey is important,
it is ''looking backwards.'' and..............and

Sometimes I forget to tell you of my day and my daily blessings=
Sometimes blessings get caught up with living and we fail to remember
and share what the Lord is doing now- (or even sometimes what I am thinking)

I did have a quiet day here after the grand kids left- Miss Sidney was on a ''go ahead and make my day''
mood and made Clint Eastwood look good- so saying good bye to Miss Sidney was not too hard--LOL
She is a very strong willed child and believes strongly that her way is the only way--Oma is too tired
or weary to spend the time to teach her a lot but we did talk about trying to good for others etc. and that
God collects our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8 ) that was about all the sermons she could handle this week end-
Even as bad (I know that they say we should never say that a child is bad but to me bad behavior is bad )
Miss Sidney is to or for Oma, I have no doubt that she loves me=but I think that some times she may doubt
that I love her--
I wonder if sometimes we tend to treat God like our way is the only way we want Him to answer us
or gives us or do for us etc?. I wonder if sometimes we think because we love God that it is ok to be strong
willed in our life just because we love Him and if sometimes we doubt that he loves us-? and do we have a melt
down when we hear what we do not want to hear--
I am sure that when Miss Sidney gets older she will realize the sacrifices that Oma makes for her and she
will understand the whys and the where fores of No way- or not yet- or wait- and also the yes- you can. I wonder
if we appreciate all the answers to prayer that we receive? sigh- not always for me but
I think that papa David's cancer taught me that God is
good all the time but some of the answers will hurt------as they were not our will-- we both wanted a miracle
healing but we finally did accept that when God said no==
He was our shepherd and that we would not walk in the
valley alone-
Thank you. Lord for all your answers and forgive us when we try to manipulate you into answering our way-

huggles me, Meme who had a writing moment
Miss Sidney teaches Oma a lot too==Smile---

• I will continue soon with the rest of our story
• but did want to blog how things are for me
• right now
• I seem to be in a holding pattern
• not falling backward but not
• stepping forward-
• I did make some decisions this week
• about discontinuing some of the church
• functions for a time
• not that there is any thing wrong with any of them
• but this seems to be where my deepest wounds
• of missing papa are
• there is nothing anyone did or did not do
• or said or did not say
• it is just a matter of this is the place
• where papa and I spend most of our time
• when we were out -- at--
• I did learn at our grief group that some times
• we have to let some things go for a time
• until I am healed enough to accept
• that things are different now
• my heart hurts the most there
• and I need to find ways to ease the pain
• I am looking for some things to do
• in this town
• for a single older christian lady
• so far, there is not too much
• that does not require going to places
• that serve alcohol
• so I may be reading a lot of books and blogs this winter
• any way this is where I am right now-
• and also keeping in mind that
• THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
• AND IF I HAVE A SEASON OF QUIET
• I WILL STILL BE BLESSED

oh Happy day--------

• December 18--- when I get up Papa is already sitting at his spot at the table- he no longer sits in his favorite chair as he needs to sit up straight- too much pain - I can see he is weaker and his color is more yellow- he tells me that he is scared as his urine looks black- sigh- he needs comfort and I do not even know what to say except that I love him and I am getting him help today
• I call the clinic and tell the girl I am bring David in at 1 o'clock and I want him to see the doctor first- before any of his appointments- she says ok - we go at one o'clock- I worry about David driving as he has not been eating or drinking for the last two days- he would take his diabetic pill with a small rice pudding that you get in the store - sometimes he did not even finish the pudding- the doctor comes in and I am fire-----I told him plainly that he was to do something today- that David needs help now-
• He looks at David and says that he will be right back- 5 minutes go by and papa is worried that the doctor is mad at him- I assure him that he had best not be and if he does not do something I am going to get someone to drive papa to the city emergency- I can see he is close to an emergency- the doctor does come back and tells us to pack clothes for two days and to head for the emergency in the city- he hands me 4 pages to give to someone there and tells us he told them that David is coming
• we leave and now we need to go find a driver- we go to the church as we know it is Seniors day- David can barely walk and I run in there and ask for help- I can tell that I am close to a break down as my voice is almost failing me- there is a ''Bob'' there that we barely know as he is new and he says right away-- I will take him in..........we go home to pack for two days and we decide that I will come up later-- I can not remember why we even made that decision now- I just have no idea why ........I can remember telling papa that I would be up soon and that he was not to worry- I would find someone to bring in home in a few days - it was a horrid good bye as neither one of us wanted to say ''good bye'' but we both knew he had to go-------the Bob driver came for papa and as he was leaving his brother Bob came- I could tell he was shocked when he saw how far papa had slipped in two weeks - they go and I babble to brother Bob that papa will be ok now that we are getting him help= I am sure I was try assure him as much as myself
• I call the kids and first I get Miss Sidney on the phone and mommy is out but she writes a note for mommy but I have to help her with the word hospital- she is happy that papa will now get better as she wants him home for Christmas - I call the other daughter's house and have to leave a message with the kids there too-
• Ashley calls and she has to go to work and her mom decided she cannot take me to the city but is sending the boy who is a friend- sigh- thank God that Ashley had a boy who was a friend as he and she really stood in the gap for me- the daughters just did not want to deal with it or help with anything-this was one of the hardest things for papa and I to face - that our girls would let us down when we needed them the most- we shed many tears over the months to follow -
• the boy who is a friend take me to the city- when we get there David is still in the emergency ward and only one of us can go and see him at a time- after we get past the guard--LOL- the guard(s) were wonderful to both of us- the boy decided he would have a rest in his car and the guards promised to keep an eye out for both us-
• at last, there is papa David - sitting in a Coffey chair hooked up to 3 bags of stuff?? later I would find out one was morphine- one was antibiotics and one to hydrate him- he looks good- you can see he had got some of the dehydration built back up and the pain is better- he looks happy- because finally he knows there is someone to help him- sigh- how terrible to become so sick that you are happy to be in a hospital
• the nurses are wonderful and one takes off to find him something that he can eat- they brought him supper but as the nurse- yuck- she said that people donate money for the nurses to buy the patients some good food if they are there for a long time- sadly they have no bed yet for him but they assured him that he is not going to have to leave-
• we visit for a couple of hours and then I realize I should rescue the boy who is a friend- Ashley sent up a gift for papa but the nurse ask me to take it home until tomorrow as emergency rooms are too safe for stuff -
• papa calls later as the nurse says it is fine to use his cell phone- he is content even though he still has no bed at 10 o'clock but he will have a scan the next day and the doctor assured him that he will be there for him and get things straightened out=
• I copied the papers that the doctor sent with David( they were not in a envelope and the doctor gave me permission to have the copies-
• there it is in black and white--- dated August 18- and marked important--this gentleman has pancreatic cancer and needs immediate care with an oncologist - then we have the second paper dated December 11-- urgent is stamped twice- this gentleman needs immediate care as his pancreatic cancer has now left the area- the third paper is impossible to understand in my layman's language but indicates that there is no doubt that the patient has pancreatic cancer and the forth piece is a letter from the doctor here asking for David to have care at the city emergency - dated Dec-i8 and this is what it said at the bottom of the letter---'unsigned by the doctor-- I wish some one could explain that to me.........I have never seem anyone sign a letter like that before- sigh-
• awe-- but we are happy- we feel the race we have been running has finally been ended- now we can move on with the cancer and papa's health - we just both believe that everything is going to be alright- we are happy to say good night even though we are apart -life seems so good again-
• someone asked me if it was helping me to write all this down and yes- it is helping even though it causes great sorrow-- I need to tell the story- not for me or papa but because it is part of papa's dash and I want others to see the blessings that we received- it is hard sometimes to see blessings in sorrow and even though it is hard to accept the sorrow I know that God had a good plan for us and that some good will come - if not today then another day--
• someday I think I will list the blessings in a row so you can see then better with out having to find them--LOL
• I hope you will stay with me as things will get worse before they get better- sort of like life is.........all the time.
• Just remember that the Lord was our shepherd,,,,,,,,

continuing the days.......

• still Dec. 16--this night is Miss Sidney's Christmas concert
• at the church and although
• papa is not feeling well he wants to go.
• as he made a promise back when she started to practice
• and she is desperate for papa and oma to come---
• we go and we are able to enjoy the kids and their
• way of blessing parents and grandparents
• Doug - a professional photographer-- comes to us and
• says he would like to take some pictures of us
• and the grand kids=
• and n, this is not for money but for memories
• I know now that this is obedience to the Holy Spirit
• as we wanted to do this before but papa was too
• sick to make any plans
• Doug promises Miss Ashley that he will have the
• pictures ready for her and us by Christmas(he did too) and
• he tells papa that he can take some of the yellow out
• as David is quite concerned about the color
• we all go home and it is time for the kids to go
• to their home-
• it is a hard good bye although we did not know
• that they would not be staying again for a long time
• David calls his sister in law and tell her our news
• we dreaded this call as we know his brother
• will not take the news easily and just before Christmas
• Dec. 17 - we rest
• we are so tired that sleep does nothing for us
• we do not hear from either clinic and we
• are too tired to call........
• David's sister calls us and this is a surprise as
• she is not speaking to us and we do not know
• why because she has not spoken to us for over 3 years and
• will not answer any phone calls - sigh--
• this is just a bad habit she has--((note she really
• took good care of her brother after this phone call)
• but suddenly she has been put in shock as
• the sister- in - law has given her the news
• I can tell she is afraid that David will not talk
• to her but she does not know David or the Lord
• we do not hold grudges in our household
• he is glad to hear from her and they
• both talk and cry together
• we go to bed and pray for rest- sleep is only an option now
• I am sure that you can see that through all this we are still
• being blessed........
• ----------will continue --------soon
• huggles me, Meme

all is quiet except our hearts ..........

• DEC- 12 is our Wednesday night bible study
• we go as both of us do want not to stay home
• we already went through the ''telling the dog'' which
• only dog lovers can relate too- sigh-
• I do not want to tell any one as some how the telling
• makes everything more real but David tells
• everyone- he cannot stop talking and we let him so
• in fact, we did not have a bible study- but we pray
• we try to reassure David that it is possible the
• doctor is wrong- at first, folks think that maybe
• we got it wrong but after explaining just how and what
• the doctor said - they realize what we heard was what we heard.
• we do not tell our kids yet, leaving it for another day-
• there is a lot of emotions just in the telling...
• Dec. 13, I call the doctor's office to see when we should
• be hearing anything as when we left the office Dr. V-------
• said we should hear with in the day=
• the nurse tells me the doctor is now on a holiday
• until Dec. 18 but she had not faxed anything out for David
• she says she will look and see what she can do.....
• we struggle through the day wondering how to
• keep on keeping on....
• Dec. 14- call the doctor's office again but yesterday's nurse
• is not in today so this nurse says she will look into it--
• we do not hear back again today=sigh-
• David phones the kids and I can tell from his side of the conversation
• that they are upset but he keeps reassuring them
• that everything is going to be all right---
• dad's are good at that sort of thing
• David is now very yellow and we can see it in
• or out of the light-
• Dec.. 15 --our Christmas supper at the church
• David is quiet and eats very little- he tells a few
• people but not all as he is unwilling to spoil
• the Christmas atmosphere--
• however a lot of folks notice his new color
• we stay for a while until Papa leans over and says
• "" I need to go home''-- I know he is feeling bad as he
• was always the last man out of the door- sigh
• we come home and both lay down-----
• neither one of us can seem to stand up physically for long
• our minds and bodies and prayers are exhausted
• -we know that we will not hear anything tomorrow
• as it is Sunday so decide to try and fake some joy
• for the grand kids- they will come for the day
• we do not change their plans as
• we need them too..........
• Dec. 16 is a hard day for David
• he does make it to church but
• is unable to keep his commitment to take
• the grands on their annual Christmas shop
• so the boy who is a friend to Miss Ashley
• takes us down town and papa stays home alone-
• after giving us his charge card-- LOL
• we go to the local dollar store and I turn the kids
• loose with their lists and tell them to have fun
• I stay with them,
• of course but my mind is at home with Papa
• I give the kids as much time as I can manage
• and then we go back to papa- non of us really
• want to leave him alone for long-
• he sits and enjoys
• watching all the kids show off their presents
• and supervises some of the wrapping and hiding
• --------to be continued ----------

THE STORM WARNING

• DECEMBER 1-12--2007
• December 1-6 are a repeat of the month of November
• I find some frozen rice dinners that David is able
• to eat so now he is eating one meal a day
• and a pudding in the morning to take with his pill
• he is no longer drinking anything but water
• December 7-- Miss Ashley gets her 4 wisdom teeth out
• and comes here for a while= this perks papa up for a while
• as he is a good nurse-kind and patient and she is feeling no pain
• yet but needs prescriptions for the pain later
• she wants to stay over but I am
• worried if there is an emergency that papa is not well enough to take her
• so she goes home with prayers
• December 8- Miss Ashley comes here late and looks at papa and tells
• him he is turning yellow- we laugh and tell her it is her medication
• but being a determined grand child she drags papa into the light
• and removes his glasses and then we all see it- his eyes and skin are
• yellow
• my heart does a flip flog becasue I know this is not a good sign
• December 10- I take David into the doctor's with out an appointment
• he is now yellow from head to toe and sick
• suddenly the doctor is in a panic
• December 11--we go to the city for an emergency ultrasound which takes a long
• time and then another doctor re did the ultrasound and tells David to go see his
• doctor tomorrow
• at 4 o'clock the office here calls and makes an appointment for the next morning
• December 12--we go in and we don't wait long-- doctor v----comes in and just sits down with
• his head in his hands and does not speak right away=
• then he says that he has the worst news he has to tell any one- and then
• repeats the same sentence- both David and I say''what is it??
• doctor says it is CANCER OF THE WORST KIND - then he repeats it again
• we ask where?
• he says-- pancreas cancer - and repeats that twice too=
• we ask what to do and he says he is getting hold of the cancer clinic in the city
• and we will hear something today
• then he told us that this was a shock to us and to go home and rest-
• we were there for 5 minutes and our world tipped over-we did not where to go
• what to do or what to say--------we went to our church immediately for prayer
• and then went home to rest even though we could not and waited for the phone to ring
• ----to be continued in next blog-----
• hugs Meme

to blog or not to blog

I came here originally to blog something
but I am simply speechless
I will give you a little news
and see how that turns out
last night Miss Sidney came to stay over
she had a wee rest on Oma's bed and fell
asleep so
Oma
slept on her pallet that I had originally
made up for her
it is comfortable but I
kept feeling like I was in the hospital
again with papa as that is how
I spent my nights with him
on a wee pallet in the corner by his bed
if I had to get up- he was right there
I got pretty good at jumping up-
this was the first time that Miss Sidney
has even come into my/our room since
papa went HOME
today I took her to church and
then home to lunch
she has gone home now
it feels strange coming home alone
the house feels so empty even though
it is still full of our stuff
even with company
our voices ring hollow as if
the house was empty
papa seems so very very gone
if I go out
I do not want to come home but
I am exhausted pretending to be happy
and I don't know how to talk to people and
I am afraid of the awsome reponsibily
of receiving sympathy
and my eyes bruise from
holding back tears
the sound of silence is deep and
I keep waiting for my heart
to feel better
huggles me, Meme