A DARK DAY

December 19--2007-- I think we all have days that we remember in whole and days we would like to forget- this was one of those days that I will never forget but hate to remember-- I remember waking up content even though David had spent his first night in the city hospital- I knew that he would be finally getting some treatment and that we could start to move on-- we had been in such a holding pattern for nearly 6 weeks that we were exhausted - it was also the day that I had to go to the denturist and leave my teeth behind- well, really only the bottoms but it is harder to keep the tops in with no bottoms- my daughter took me and dropped me off and I walked home; half toothless which means I had to be very careful how I smiled or sneezed (LOL)
- David had called me and was doing ok- he was still in the emergency ward as they still had not found him a bed but he and they had hope- he slept on a stretcher with the sides up- and he had to pee in a can as he was no longer allowed to get up- because his vitamin K had completely depleted and they were worried if he fell that he could bleed out- they were giving him vitamin k and taking his blood once a hour to see if the body was receiving the vitamin K- so far so good---
I did chores and arranged to get a ride to the hospital later in the day- around 3-o'clock David phoned again and he was crying- the doctor had just came in with his results from the C- scan and told him that he had TERMINAL CANCER- we both just cried- there was nothing else to say- cancer scared us enough but once it was preceded with the word terminal, it renews and heightens the meaning of cancer - we had already tried to deal with the cancer diagnosis but we had dreamed of surgery and chemo mistakes of the results and all those things that we had heard about cancer- we had decided that we could live with cancer but terminal cancer changes your whole life again-we cried together and then he had to go as the doctor wanted to talk to me and I needed to be off the phone as doctors do not use voice message even just to say they called---the doctor never did call but I did see him the next day..
the church secretary came over to the house- our pastor was with David when they told David his news and the doctor also talked to the pastor-- I still wish that I had been there but it was not be.......sigh........I just remember feeling numb and wanting to see David now - and not later and not even knowing who to call...and just waiting in shock--
the pastor did come to the house later and told me what the doctor had said about the terminal cancer- it had contained the pancreas completely and moved out into the stomach and the upper bowel- there could be no surgery- after he left I remember just sitting on the floor with Dogman talking to him and crying =and praying-
The boy who is a friend and Miss Ashley came up to take me to see David- I did not tell them yet as I had only talked to Ashley on the phone and could not bring myself to speaking the words- Ashley was tired and napping in the back seat and we were nearly to the hospital when Andrew asked me if papa had his scan and the results=I said yes and when he asked all I could say was ''bad ''= Napping Ashley nearly leaped into the front seat wanting to know what and why and so I told them both as best as I could-- I can still hear Miss Ashley sobbing in the back seat and I had no words to comfort her- there really are times with there is nothing to say.
We went up to see Papa and he finally had a room and a bed-- he was doing ok and was happy to see us- I told him I had told Ashley as this was not a time for false hope or pretending anything- they both cried together and I remember him telling her what he always told her--everything is going to be alright- there was so much going on with David re nurses etc that it was hard to even get a conversation finished - they had to keep taking his blood and also keep checking his needle marks and intravenous areas etc. to make sure there was no bleeding- the good news was they were going to make sure he did not bleed to death-see I have a sence of humor now--(wink)- papa seemed content and he liked his doctor and I don't think he had really soaked in what terminal cancer meant-
the kids and I came home and I remember there was tons of messages on the phone and I also had to call his brothers and sisters etc- -- Brother Bob called the sisters as I was too exhausted to keep talking on a phone-- and I had to call our kids too-- David and I did talk some on the phone before bed as he was allowed to use his cell phone in the hospital - even though you see signs every where saying not to- the nurses assured him it was ok- Ashley refused to leave me alone and stayed the night- I cried all night long =
---that is enough of our December 19-2007- there is not much more to say for that day- it was the end of our hope and the beginning of a our hope- we were to discover what the Lord is my shepherd really means--
huggles me, Meme