getting through December

December was a tough month for me
as it has so many anniversary dates of dear David's cancer journey
last December I was on the road to the city every day
to spend time with him and learning to walk a different path
and yet
I am so happy that our Savior was born as a babe
and went through the same temptations and joys and sorrows
that we go through here on our earthly journey
I feel good about the new year coming with
some new beginnings for me
I think I have done well this year consideriing the circumstances
I get up every morning
I work a small job part time
I walk a lot
and keep up daily life
I have done any thing foolish to cause more grief
later on in my life
I have kept the faith
I still look toward the future
I miss David
more than I ever knew was possible and
but I am so grateful for the days and years we had
together
and that David did know the Master
I know as long as the
LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
that in my sorrow I will find joy
joy is not about being happy
joy is more about being content and grateful
for what was and what is and what will be
I still cry tears for David as I miss
him here on earth
most of these memories that I share
are joyful and part of who we were
we had fun - we had sorrow we had each other
to bounce life off of
and we had Jesus
I will close with Papa David's words
which he wrote down often and especially in his Bible
Jesus is Lord
Amen
with huggles. Meme

celebrating Christmas

• MEME had sewer problems for the last week so she could not be on the net to write but all is well now so here I am
• this is a copy and paste from my group but tomorrow I will write you a
• brand new note---
• ______________________________
• one more day until Christmas and yes, I still need to do the shopping- I like to go to the dollar store
  for stocking stuff for the grand children
  did not do that today but I still have tomorrow
  found some cute little bags at another store for 40 cents each so I will use them for stockings
  it is just a fun thing for everyone
  I get little things they use during the year--I save change the last few months
  so that it does not come out of my
  normal living-expenses-
  
  Yes, I am celebrating Christmas- I think that as a Christian it is nice for me to have a day of celebration
  for Jesus who came to give me and you eternal life- we know that it is not his real birth day as far as days go
  but it is a day for us to reflect his coming as man to live here with us in order to later give His life for us-
  
  I am not more sad about papa missing Christmas here than any other day as I miss him every day
  but happy to know I have this special day to remember why Jesus came and because He came
  I will see Him and papa one day.....
  I do see a lot of sadness this year but it seems to be a money issue of guilt of folks thinking
  that they are not giving enough - because we tend to get sucked into the world=s idea
  of gifts and celebration= What we need to give is ourselves
  parents could give their kids a special time for"" you ""---- often we say we have more time than money so we could
  give some of our time to family and friends-just some ideas that would really bring families together
  again as families :-)
  
  Papa and I were into the thing of giving too many gifts at one time until we discovered Jesus and who and why and how
  we can celebrate Him-I think it would be a honor to Him if we could keep Christmas in our hearts
  every day and take and give time to our families
  and friends
  
  Have a very Happy Christmas and keep the day in your heart all year long-
  Happy Birthday, Jesus
  
  Huggles me,
  Meme aka Oma
  (MARILYN CHRISTINE)
  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/awidowswalk
  
  Lord, grant that I may seek to comfort rather than be comforted.(Mother Teresa)

Meme is not lost in space

• but I have been missing a few days blogging here
• it is just a hard month for me to be in
• as it was last December when our world came tumbling down
• memories that I do not want but will remain
• with me
• as they are a
• part of our history
• I am ok other wise
• well
• cept for our frigid weather
• we are still in the high minus below zero temps
• right now it is minus 32 with calm winds
• the calm winds are a blessing as we did
• have some very wind chilled days
• I will be back.........and will keep posting
• memories and some new memories too
• huggles me
• Meme

I am not hiding--(smile)

• 
  I am going to cheat tonight and do a bullet list-----
  I often use these to avoid commas and capitals-LOL
  we had a very cold overnight and it was minus 40 here both in C AND F
  at minus 40 both temps are equal
  it is warmer tonight but still very cold
  cars and Meme do not like to start in this weather
  Dogman is a couch potato- and I have to take him to his pee patch so that
  he will come and go outside safely
  he is a wee guy dog and would freeze quickly
  if I don't go- I set a timer for two minutes - just in case I forget him to long
  I remember when papa hubby was in the hospital- and some one asked him how he felt about
  the terminal cancer diagnosis and he said
  'better it is me- than some one who does not know where they are going''-
  he always had faith of getting better and kept his hope in the Lord
  but he was ok about going to be with Jesus - he did not want to leave me
  alone here and it took care to make sure he had friends who would be ''there'' for me
  if I would have need of help
• He kept his a good sense of humor also and would often come out with a comment to
  cause us all to giggle-
  we did not have much in worldly goods and what was his was mine and what was mine was his and we
  called it all--OURS
  I have many blessings to tell over time about our cancer journey
  we were never alone as the LORD WAS OUR SHEPHERD
  some of the memories are dark and hurt my heart
• and that is part of my reason for taking some time away
• from writing
  oops, I see it is time for bed and also time to change the tv station-
  I watch a lot of cooking shows but some are just not right to hear
  I believe it is important what we hear and see and read because
  garbage in== comes out as garbage-*
• we cannot recycle garbage in our minds
  ok- enough of Meme until another day
  huggles me, Meme who was Papa's wife and so very blessed ............

thinking out loud..again

• 
  one thing I learned with papa's cancer was that life
  would still go on....but not the same
  we took papa's cancer and normalized it
  we created a whole new way of living each day
  we had moments when we pretended that things were the same
  as they always had been before the cancer came
  but the cancer became just a normal way of life
  other people seemed more intimidated by it than we were
  we danced with out music pouring our love into each other
  and when he died the dance stopped
  now there is only me to hear the songs
  that we listened too
  and now I hear the silence
  and the laughter is missing
  and I feel the dull ache of loneliness
  but I have learned that
  it is ok -not to be ok-
  and that I will heal......
  the sun will come out again
  the rainbow will shine after the rain
  and in the quiet I will renew my connections
  of inspiration, and my enthusiasm and the
  silence will become golden=
  and I will dance again
• 
  huggles me, Meme

some unsure Meme thoughts

I am tired today- perhaps the weather or maybe an over do yesterday
it is cold and windy with bits of snow falling- the wind is what makes the day not quite so nice

I woke with the feeling that I must start to prepare saying good bye to dear hubby so that my heart can move on ------his death has taken so much of me away----and although I rejoice knowing that he is home with his Lord- my heart wants him back-

when I woke I felt on my heart that the Lord is asking me to say good bye, my poppy- until- we do meet again
it is just that I do not know quite how and so I pray that the Lord will show me more about this- it was not a dream but I suppose - it was that still small voice that we often miss hearing
perhaps I will talk more of this as the days go by here...
.I keep thinking's that if I can just get through December I can start the new year with a healing hopeful heart---last December was a black month for us both as it was the beginning of the end- sigh-
huggles me, Meme

Meme and the weekend

• a weeping week end for Meme


• went shopping which was long over due


• just missed papa being with me to


• push the cart and also to comment on purchases


• we always had so much fun together shopping


• and he was never in a hurry to get there or to leave


• also had a visit today from some of papa's friends


• which was a good thing but


• also bitter sweet- we swapped papa stories


• the house does look like Christmas is coming]


• with the tree and etc. and


• it was sad to see how some of the shoppers acted


• on Friday- how can any thing or any savings cause


• someone to walk over a person while they lay dieing


• has our greed completely become so evil that some thing


• means more than some one's life


• last year we did not get to shop or decorate


• as dear David was just to sick


• and yet, we had joy and hope and faith and Christmas


• that is what Christmas is====not stuff on sale but


• a day given to us to celebrate the babe's birth


• I am doing more new things alone now


• and I can do them with a broken smile


• papa will be having christmas with Jesus this year


• and for that reason= I can rejoice in the season

huggles me, Meme aka Oma

“[The Word Became Flesh] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”- John 1:1-2, 14

• some more papa David left-over business done today
• it went well and I kept myself together by hanging
• on to the Lord who is my shepherd
• it helped that the people involved made me feel like
• David was a real person rather than a number
• they did not know him well but they were so kind
• and helpful --rather than official
• just a few more things to do and then I can just be done-
• papa David does not need a driver's license in heaven
• as he has wings--(smile)
• I can make soft jokes about him now as I am happy for him
• just sad for me and those who loved him as we miss him
• I will have a new Christmas this year as it is important
• to our grands and with papa so sick last year they missed out
• having anything at oma/papa's house
• so we will hang stockings and have new and old traditions mixed
• skipping Christmas would not change how much we will
• miss him and he would be pleased that we are celebrating
• our dear Saviour's birthday
• we will make a birthday cake for Jesus (new)
• HUGGLES MEME

Deck the Halls

• December is almost here and it is one month now
• until another Christmas eve will be here
• Miss Ashley and I have done some decorating
• it is very bitter-sweet- and we will try it invent some new traditions
• she did the tree in silver and blue and some purple
• and then we found this and that from other years to add
• we have papa David's favorite hamburger and fries salt and pepper shakers
• under the tree - they are shaped like a burger and fries
• we did a little window decorating in the kitchen
• so there is a light in the window-
• she found a decoration a friend made a couple of years ago
• it is a bulb with a feather in it so she picked it out for a decoration
• for remembering papa---(thanks Terrie)
• last year we missed Christmas as it was the sick month and
• the beginning of cancer as we knew it for David-
• it was the month
• when we found out how short
• and special life really is----and although we missed Christmas
• Christmas did not miss us because
• the babe in the manger came and became
• the beginning of eternity for all of us..and the reason for for the season
• the stars shine for us telling us to remember the King who gave
• us life and love and joy and faith in place of silver and gold
• I am hoping that Ashley is done decorating now or we will
• have to move out as there will be no room at this inn for us--LOL
• take care and share some joy and faith this year
• huggles me, Meme

walking -------

Today is one of those days that was a widow walking day
It is amazing how paper work is still involved with David
even though the government is notified immediately about
a death so there can be no fraud by someone who would
try to use the identity=
things did get straighted out fortunately and they confirmed
that it was their/computer mistake- sigh
but at the time it is confusing and difficult to even know
what to do'''''
today is now 4 months since David graduated to his heavenly home
and I miss him more now than then-- Then I was simply relieved
that he had gone ''Home'' and left his old broken shell behind
and not accepting his leaving as a reality-
Now I know in my heart he is gone-- I am looking forward to spring although
winter has not even come yet but spring is a time of renewal -but until then I
will be ok as the Lord is my shepherd-

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you(papa) Philippians 1:3
What a wonderful verse to encourage me to continue on with the Lord and our
memories in my heart-
Huggles me, Meme

a change needed for now

• Yesterday I hit the wall and realized that
• I cannot blog backwards right now
• I have to just look forward and until He storeth my soul
• the pain of the past few months is too deep
• of a well and I need to rest beside some still waters
• I will still blog here but for now I have to put
• our cancer journey on ''hold''-
• we know the end of the story and
• where dear papa is
• and that
• is enough for now
• I wanted to tell papa's story but now
• is not the right time for me.....
• but know that I will continue
• to blog my journey as a widow and I
• will have lots of remembering papa but
• only as the memories come rather
• than looking back for memores
• when the times is right then
• I will continue the journey
• and I will be sharing my walk uphill
• with the Lord as my Shepherd
• with you all day by day
• thank you for being here and
• for caring and praying
• huggles me, Meme

winter blues

• I think the beginning of winter has caught up with me
• I slept a lot today which was ok but it makes the day short
• I have had 3 very intensive deep sorrow days in a row
• I know that papa David is safe as can be at the Father's feet
• but right now, I just want him here
• in his chair
• and yet, I
• am so happy to know where he is at--
• I never knew before that you can be happy and in sorrow
• at the same time...and some how it comes out as
• Joy in the mourning
• I found an old pair of David's glasses today
• which reminded me of how he would sit and
• journal his Bible- he had a hard time reading plus
• remembering
• so when he copied the bible out by hand
• it stayed in his mind more
• He got as far in the new testament as the end of the corinthians
• and also did the Psalm and Proverbs-
• I taught him to read shortly after I met him
• with newspaper articles
• as he was taken out of school at the age of 14 to
• yo work shovel coal into basements as that
• was the fuel to heat homes in the fifties
• parents could do that then and so we
• had a generation who received very little eduacation
• in our town- and many other small towns
• his cancer took away his ability to read
• the last 5 months
• so I would read the Psalms to him and then
• he would remember= he knew the Lord's prayer and 23 psalm
• and would repeat them with us
• -----good night------from Meme

the first snow

• to day we woke up to snow and suddenly
• my heart wanted papa so much
• he had a way of brushing off the car
• that I miss--I would watch him out our kitchen window
• I did brush/sweep off our big balcony
• and made sure Dogman could get to his
• pee patch--not as neatly as papa
• would have done but it is done
• I did some things in our basement too
• which was really papa's territory
• so I almost feel as I am invading
• it is tough tossing his treasures
• and sorting his tools= but it needs
• to be started and he has so much
• in odds and ends I feel there will be no end
• I missed his kiss on top of my head
• after I banged it on the stairs -
• I spent most of the day alone
• and managed ok until the country music
• awards came on......which was another favorite
• of his....I got so ''homesick'' for dear David
• that I called my grand daughter home
• the good news she was already on her way
• now we have had a chat
• and fed the dog and bird
• - I will continue our last December tomorrow
• our internet was not co-operating the last
• two days so I was off the net which
• I suppose it better than being ''off my rocker''LOL
• missing Papa a lot tonight with ''tears''
• I wonder if there is snow in heaven----
• I do like snow as it cleans everything up
• even though underneath the dirt is hiding
• huggles me
• Meme

WOUNDS INTO SCARS

I am beginning to notice that on my widow journey that some of my wounds are turning into scars-
I was troubled about this at first as my mind sees healing as becoming the same as before but as I was reading
about Jesus when he returned to his disciples -- He still had his scars - and by those scars we know that we will be healed--
I realize now that I too will have scars which at times I will show others or at times others will recognize in me-
It is a journey of unknown discoveries- a journey I could not take with out having first taking the marriage vows and then the journey of two to become one -
sometimes I just want to quit hurting but the wounds must remain open until they are clean and safe so that scars will not need to be reopened or cause infection(bitterness)
- we would not want stitches to close a wound if the wound was not cleaned first-and to be given something for the pain--God gave us his promises to help with the pain and the healing- and gave us our grief - (we cannot have grief with out love)
I am learning that grief is a good thing.....
I am learning that with healing of grief does not change my love for David -- and it does not change God's love for me-He collects our tears in a bottle- psalm 56:8
I need to learn to : TO REST IN THE LORD, AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM.......PSALM 37:7 Waiting has always been hard for me --It is hard to quiet my mind and hear the Lord speak to me in every tear drop-and trust that one day I too shall be healed with no open wounds. I still hurt but I know that the Lord is doing something to cleanse my wounds- I know that I can still fall down but the Lord will help me up again.

AND GOD SHALL WIPE AWAY ALL THE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES; AND THERE SHALL BE NO MORE DEATH, NEITHER SORROW, NOR CRYING, NEITHER SHALL THERE BE ANY PAIN: FOR THE FORMER THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY. REVELATION 21:4

huggles me, Meme--who is trusting God to keep His word

a note from Meme

note from Meme
I am so glad that I got the last two days told as for me- December 19 was the hardest day but once I started the battle the next day - the battle was half won- I am glad that we got on the Lord's train immediately as He gave us so many blessings.....I will continue the rest of the story at another time-
Tonight was the last grief group - it was only 6 weeks - it did help me- and I did meet some other widows who now if I see them- I will know why they have broken smiles-
Also did more in the kitchen today- trying to decline keeping stuff --LOL and gain space so I am not doing so much house work -- I am old and tired and it is not a lot of fun to do it for ''just me- and I feel a quiet spaces may help me gain a new path for me- also I will have to find a part time job soon as we do not have a lot of savings and papa was too poor to leave me much to live on beyond spring- however he did the best he could and I know that the Lord will supply all my needs-
well, friends--good night with a meme thought--
Yesterday is in the secret room of my heart--where I keep the memories of our life together-I can cherish our laughter from another time- treasure the tears we spent and let these memories brighten my day and rejoice because making memories together is what made our marriage complete=
huggles me, Meme

A NEW DAY IN DECEMBER

One good thing about not sleeping is-- that is not hard to wake up-- but while I cried alone I also cried out to the Lord for strength- to get through this ordeal- I was not thinking of a journey yet- in fact it reminded me of a title of a book by Phil Callaway---WHO PUT THE SKUNK IN THE TRUNK? or LEARNING TO LAUGH WHEN LIFE STINKS- (A funny but serious book )
On December 20 I was still the me who had reached the fine age of 59- been married to David for just over 41 of those years- We went every where together - we were known as David and Marilyn and where one was- the other was sure to follow- I do not drive due to eye sight conditions and so when I needed to go- David would take me- he was a faithful taxi driver - and quite enjoyed the role- I also did not have good health and did not have a lot of physical strength - I am just under a 100 pounds and have weighted approximately the same for the last 40 years- and I was keeper of the home- and we were best friends.
I remember so clearly the Lord telling me that He would give me manna strength for today and all the days to come- no more or no less than I would need for each day to come- and that I would be able to do what was needed - this became my daily prayer- Lord, give me manna strength and our motto became THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHERD- and yes, you will see the manna strength in all the days of our journey together living with cancer.
David and I planned to talk about our future as we now knew it as soon as we were together but God had other plans- David was kept so busy with nurses and tests and visitors that we had no time alone that day- and all the pastors that he knew came to see him and pray out loud and read scripture- David just had to lay there and everyone else did for him- he still was not allowed to shave due to possible bleeding and much to his horror he was not allowed to put his teeth back in as again there was a chance of bleeding- all we could do is laugh as there was not time for tears- (there was a man in the other bed who told his wife he had never heard so many sermons in one day )
His doctor came in and told him that his vitamin k was increasing and if all went well he would put a stint in on Friday to start moving the poison from the jaundice in David's system- He told us that David was very sick even with out the cancer and the next couple of days would be tough - then he told us that was the stint was in--a cancer doctor would be in and they would start a plan for treatment- he explained why surgery was not an option and if all went well the doctor hoped that David would live for one to two years- David took the news well considering the source and we both just held hands and listened to the doctor talk about stints and stages and treatments- and we forgot everything he told us.......but we were ready to go forward in spite our our fears-
THE LORD IS GOOD. WHEN TROUBLE COMES, HE IS A STRONG REFUGE. AND HE KNOWS EVERYONE WHO TRUSTS IN HIM. NAHUM 1:7
I went home and slept :-)
huggles me, Meme
papa's favorite saying became: When the tough get going- they go get icecream--( cancer could not take his sence of humor)

A DARK DAY

December 19--2007-- I think we all have days that we remember in whole and days we would like to forget- this was one of those days that I will never forget but hate to remember-- I remember waking up content even though David had spent his first night in the city hospital- I knew that he would be finally getting some treatment and that we could start to move on-- we had been in such a holding pattern for nearly 6 weeks that we were exhausted - it was also the day that I had to go to the denturist and leave my teeth behind- well, really only the bottoms but it is harder to keep the tops in with no bottoms- my daughter took me and dropped me off and I walked home; half toothless which means I had to be very careful how I smiled or sneezed (LOL)
- David had called me and was doing ok- he was still in the emergency ward as they still had not found him a bed but he and they had hope- he slept on a stretcher with the sides up- and he had to pee in a can as he was no longer allowed to get up- because his vitamin K had completely depleted and they were worried if he fell that he could bleed out- they were giving him vitamin k and taking his blood once a hour to see if the body was receiving the vitamin K- so far so good---
I did chores and arranged to get a ride to the hospital later in the day- around 3-o'clock David phoned again and he was crying- the doctor had just came in with his results from the C- scan and told him that he had TERMINAL CANCER- we both just cried- there was nothing else to say- cancer scared us enough but once it was preceded with the word terminal, it renews and heightens the meaning of cancer - we had already tried to deal with the cancer diagnosis but we had dreamed of surgery and chemo mistakes of the results and all those things that we had heard about cancer- we had decided that we could live with cancer but terminal cancer changes your whole life again-we cried together and then he had to go as the doctor wanted to talk to me and I needed to be off the phone as doctors do not use voice message even just to say they called---the doctor never did call but I did see him the next day..
the church secretary came over to the house- our pastor was with David when they told David his news and the doctor also talked to the pastor-- I still wish that I had been there but it was not be.......sigh........I just remember feeling numb and wanting to see David now - and not later and not even knowing who to call...and just waiting in shock--
the pastor did come to the house later and told me what the doctor had said about the terminal cancer- it had contained the pancreas completely and moved out into the stomach and the upper bowel- there could be no surgery- after he left I remember just sitting on the floor with Dogman talking to him and crying =and praying-
The boy who is a friend and Miss Ashley came up to take me to see David- I did not tell them yet as I had only talked to Ashley on the phone and could not bring myself to speaking the words- Ashley was tired and napping in the back seat and we were nearly to the hospital when Andrew asked me if papa had his scan and the results=I said yes and when he asked all I could say was ''bad ''= Napping Ashley nearly leaped into the front seat wanting to know what and why and so I told them both as best as I could-- I can still hear Miss Ashley sobbing in the back seat and I had no words to comfort her- there really are times with there is nothing to say.
We went up to see Papa and he finally had a room and a bed-- he was doing ok and was happy to see us- I told him I had told Ashley as this was not a time for false hope or pretending anything- they both cried together and I remember him telling her what he always told her--everything is going to be alright- there was so much going on with David re nurses etc that it was hard to even get a conversation finished - they had to keep taking his blood and also keep checking his needle marks and intravenous areas etc. to make sure there was no bleeding- the good news was they were going to make sure he did not bleed to death-see I have a sence of humor now--(wink)- papa seemed content and he liked his doctor and I don't think he had really soaked in what terminal cancer meant-
the kids and I came home and I remember there was tons of messages on the phone and I also had to call his brothers and sisters etc- -- Brother Bob called the sisters as I was too exhausted to keep talking on a phone-- and I had to call our kids too-- David and I did talk some on the phone before bed as he was allowed to use his cell phone in the hospital - even though you see signs every where saying not to- the nurses assured him it was ok- Ashley refused to leave me alone and stayed the night- I cried all night long =
---that is enough of our December 19-2007- there is not much more to say for that day- it was the end of our hope and the beginning of a our hope- we were to discover what the Lord is my shepherd really means--
huggles me, Meme

taking steps........

Today I put our table back in the spot where papa and I always had it--
I moved it in June when he last went to the hospital as it hurt to see his
empty chair but now it is time to put it back in place- I will sit in his
spot and do my puzzles - I miss him being there when I come around
the corner but I know that he is so very gone now to anotherplace where
he will not have to leave --------and he is alright
I also spoke with our pastor and let him know that I am unable to attend
social functions at the church right now- I need more time to adjust being
there with out my hubby- and he understood my feelings..
we also talked about our Miss Ashley and her shattered heart
I know that she is so lost with out papa but she hangs in here
with Oma so we will pray for her to be healed
she is not happy with God right now as she cannot understand the
answers to prayer yet....I don't always understand either and I know she has
doubts right now- so- please pray for her unbelief......( of prayer)
she feels that God does not hear her........I know this too shall pass
Brother Bob--(David's) stopped in to day and he is still
very hurt and growing bitter--sigh-
pray for his salvation
we got a calendar addressed to David in the mail but it is in the french language
so we are going to use it this new year
as Miss Ashley says it will remind us that it came for papa
so I will be dating my blogs in french--LOL-
take care and I will write tomorrow
I need to continue the journey
but I also need to talk about the here and now
so you know what mischief etc. I get into..
huggles me, Meme aka Oma

thinking out loud..

thinking out loud.......
Although the telling of David's journey is important,
it is ''looking backwards.'' and..............and

Sometimes I forget to tell you of my day and my daily blessings=
Sometimes blessings get caught up with living and we fail to remember
and share what the Lord is doing now- (or even sometimes what I am thinking)

I did have a quiet day here after the grand kids left- Miss Sidney was on a ''go ahead and make my day''
mood and made Clint Eastwood look good- so saying good bye to Miss Sidney was not too hard--LOL
She is a very strong willed child and believes strongly that her way is the only way--Oma is too tired
or weary to spend the time to teach her a lot but we did talk about trying to good for others etc. and that
God collects our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8 ) that was about all the sermons she could handle this week end-
Even as bad (I know that they say we should never say that a child is bad but to me bad behavior is bad )
Miss Sidney is to or for Oma, I have no doubt that she loves me=but I think that some times she may doubt
that I love her--
I wonder if sometimes we tend to treat God like our way is the only way we want Him to answer us
or gives us or do for us etc?. I wonder if sometimes we think because we love God that it is ok to be strong
willed in our life just because we love Him and if sometimes we doubt that he loves us-? and do we have a melt
down when we hear what we do not want to hear--
I am sure that when Miss Sidney gets older she will realize the sacrifices that Oma makes for her and she
will understand the whys and the where fores of No way- or not yet- or wait- and also the yes- you can. I wonder
if we appreciate all the answers to prayer that we receive? sigh- not always for me but
I think that papa David's cancer taught me that God is
good all the time but some of the answers will hurt------as they were not our will-- we both wanted a miracle
healing but we finally did accept that when God said no==
He was our shepherd and that we would not walk in the
valley alone-
Thank you. Lord for all your answers and forgive us when we try to manipulate you into answering our way-

huggles me, Meme who had a writing moment
Miss Sidney teaches Oma a lot too==Smile---

• I will continue soon with the rest of our story
• but did want to blog how things are for me
• right now
• I seem to be in a holding pattern
• not falling backward but not
• stepping forward-
• I did make some decisions this week
• about discontinuing some of the church
• functions for a time
• not that there is any thing wrong with any of them
• but this seems to be where my deepest wounds
• of missing papa are
• there is nothing anyone did or did not do
• or said or did not say
• it is just a matter of this is the place
• where papa and I spend most of our time
• when we were out -- at--
• I did learn at our grief group that some times
• we have to let some things go for a time
• until I am healed enough to accept
• that things are different now
• my heart hurts the most there
• and I need to find ways to ease the pain
• I am looking for some things to do
• in this town
• for a single older christian lady
• so far, there is not too much
• that does not require going to places
• that serve alcohol
• so I may be reading a lot of books and blogs this winter
• any way this is where I am right now-
• and also keeping in mind that
• THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
• AND IF I HAVE A SEASON OF QUIET
• I WILL STILL BE BLESSED

oh Happy day--------

• December 18--- when I get up Papa is already sitting at his spot at the table- he no longer sits in his favorite chair as he needs to sit up straight- too much pain - I can see he is weaker and his color is more yellow- he tells me that he is scared as his urine looks black- sigh- he needs comfort and I do not even know what to say except that I love him and I am getting him help today
• I call the clinic and tell the girl I am bring David in at 1 o'clock and I want him to see the doctor first- before any of his appointments- she says ok - we go at one o'clock- I worry about David driving as he has not been eating or drinking for the last two days- he would take his diabetic pill with a small rice pudding that you get in the store - sometimes he did not even finish the pudding- the doctor comes in and I am fire-----I told him plainly that he was to do something today- that David needs help now-
• He looks at David and says that he will be right back- 5 minutes go by and papa is worried that the doctor is mad at him- I assure him that he had best not be and if he does not do something I am going to get someone to drive papa to the city emergency- I can see he is close to an emergency- the doctor does come back and tells us to pack clothes for two days and to head for the emergency in the city- he hands me 4 pages to give to someone there and tells us he told them that David is coming
• we leave and now we need to go find a driver- we go to the church as we know it is Seniors day- David can barely walk and I run in there and ask for help- I can tell that I am close to a break down as my voice is almost failing me- there is a ''Bob'' there that we barely know as he is new and he says right away-- I will take him in..........we go home to pack for two days and we decide that I will come up later-- I can not remember why we even made that decision now- I just have no idea why ........I can remember telling papa that I would be up soon and that he was not to worry- I would find someone to bring in home in a few days - it was a horrid good bye as neither one of us wanted to say ''good bye'' but we both knew he had to go-------the Bob driver came for papa and as he was leaving his brother Bob came- I could tell he was shocked when he saw how far papa had slipped in two weeks - they go and I babble to brother Bob that papa will be ok now that we are getting him help= I am sure I was try assure him as much as myself
• I call the kids and first I get Miss Sidney on the phone and mommy is out but she writes a note for mommy but I have to help her with the word hospital- she is happy that papa will now get better as she wants him home for Christmas - I call the other daughter's house and have to leave a message with the kids there too-
• Ashley calls and she has to go to work and her mom decided she cannot take me to the city but is sending the boy who is a friend- sigh- thank God that Ashley had a boy who was a friend as he and she really stood in the gap for me- the daughters just did not want to deal with it or help with anything-this was one of the hardest things for papa and I to face - that our girls would let us down when we needed them the most- we shed many tears over the months to follow -
• the boy who is a friend take me to the city- when we get there David is still in the emergency ward and only one of us can go and see him at a time- after we get past the guard--LOL- the guard(s) were wonderful to both of us- the boy decided he would have a rest in his car and the guards promised to keep an eye out for both us-
• at last, there is papa David - sitting in a Coffey chair hooked up to 3 bags of stuff?? later I would find out one was morphine- one was antibiotics and one to hydrate him- he looks good- you can see he had got some of the dehydration built back up and the pain is better- he looks happy- because finally he knows there is someone to help him- sigh- how terrible to become so sick that you are happy to be in a hospital
• the nurses are wonderful and one takes off to find him something that he can eat- they brought him supper but as the nurse- yuck- she said that people donate money for the nurses to buy the patients some good food if they are there for a long time- sadly they have no bed yet for him but they assured him that he is not going to have to leave-
• we visit for a couple of hours and then I realize I should rescue the boy who is a friend- Ashley sent up a gift for papa but the nurse ask me to take it home until tomorrow as emergency rooms are too safe for stuff -
• papa calls later as the nurse says it is fine to use his cell phone- he is content even though he still has no bed at 10 o'clock but he will have a scan the next day and the doctor assured him that he will be there for him and get things straightened out=
• I copied the papers that the doctor sent with David( they were not in a envelope and the doctor gave me permission to have the copies-
• there it is in black and white--- dated August 18- and marked important--this gentleman has pancreatic cancer and needs immediate care with an oncologist - then we have the second paper dated December 11-- urgent is stamped twice- this gentleman needs immediate care as his pancreatic cancer has now left the area- the third paper is impossible to understand in my layman's language but indicates that there is no doubt that the patient has pancreatic cancer and the forth piece is a letter from the doctor here asking for David to have care at the city emergency - dated Dec-i8 and this is what it said at the bottom of the letter---'unsigned by the doctor-- I wish some one could explain that to me.........I have never seem anyone sign a letter like that before- sigh-
• awe-- but we are happy- we feel the race we have been running has finally been ended- now we can move on with the cancer and papa's health - we just both believe that everything is going to be alright- we are happy to say good night even though we are apart -life seems so good again-
• someone asked me if it was helping me to write all this down and yes- it is helping even though it causes great sorrow-- I need to tell the story- not for me or papa but because it is part of papa's dash and I want others to see the blessings that we received- it is hard sometimes to see blessings in sorrow and even though it is hard to accept the sorrow I know that God had a good plan for us and that some good will come - if not today then another day--
• someday I think I will list the blessings in a row so you can see then better with out having to find them--LOL
• I hope you will stay with me as things will get worse before they get better- sort of like life is.........all the time.
• Just remember that the Lord was our shepherd,,,,,,,,

continuing the days.......

• still Dec. 16--this night is Miss Sidney's Christmas concert
• at the church and although
• papa is not feeling well he wants to go.
• as he made a promise back when she started to practice
• and she is desperate for papa and oma to come---
• we go and we are able to enjoy the kids and their
• way of blessing parents and grandparents
• Doug - a professional photographer-- comes to us and
• says he would like to take some pictures of us
• and the grand kids=
• and n, this is not for money but for memories
• I know now that this is obedience to the Holy Spirit
• as we wanted to do this before but papa was too
• sick to make any plans
• Doug promises Miss Ashley that he will have the
• pictures ready for her and us by Christmas(he did too) and
• he tells papa that he can take some of the yellow out
• as David is quite concerned about the color
• we all go home and it is time for the kids to go
• to their home-
• it is a hard good bye although we did not know
• that they would not be staying again for a long time
• David calls his sister in law and tell her our news
• we dreaded this call as we know his brother
• will not take the news easily and just before Christmas
• Dec. 17 - we rest
• we are so tired that sleep does nothing for us
• we do not hear from either clinic and we
• are too tired to call........
• David's sister calls us and this is a surprise as
• she is not speaking to us and we do not know
• why because she has not spoken to us for over 3 years and
• will not answer any phone calls - sigh--
• this is just a bad habit she has--((note she really
• took good care of her brother after this phone call)
• but suddenly she has been put in shock as
• the sister- in - law has given her the news
• I can tell she is afraid that David will not talk
• to her but she does not know David or the Lord
• we do not hold grudges in our household
• he is glad to hear from her and they
• both talk and cry together
• we go to bed and pray for rest- sleep is only an option now
• I am sure that you can see that through all this we are still
• being blessed........
• ----------will continue --------soon
• huggles me, Meme

all is quiet except our hearts ..........

• DEC- 12 is our Wednesday night bible study
• we go as both of us do want not to stay home
• we already went through the ''telling the dog'' which
• only dog lovers can relate too- sigh-
• I do not want to tell any one as some how the telling
• makes everything more real but David tells
• everyone- he cannot stop talking and we let him so
• in fact, we did not have a bible study- but we pray
• we try to reassure David that it is possible the
• doctor is wrong- at first, folks think that maybe
• we got it wrong but after explaining just how and what
• the doctor said - they realize what we heard was what we heard.
• we do not tell our kids yet, leaving it for another day-
• there is a lot of emotions just in the telling...
• Dec. 13, I call the doctor's office to see when we should
• be hearing anything as when we left the office Dr. V-------
• said we should hear with in the day=
• the nurse tells me the doctor is now on a holiday
• until Dec. 18 but she had not faxed anything out for David
• she says she will look and see what she can do.....
• we struggle through the day wondering how to
• keep on keeping on....
• Dec. 14- call the doctor's office again but yesterday's nurse
• is not in today so this nurse says she will look into it--
• we do not hear back again today=sigh-
• David phones the kids and I can tell from his side of the conversation
• that they are upset but he keeps reassuring them
• that everything is going to be all right---
• dad's are good at that sort of thing
• David is now very yellow and we can see it in
• or out of the light-
• Dec.. 15 --our Christmas supper at the church
• David is quiet and eats very little- he tells a few
• people but not all as he is unwilling to spoil
• the Christmas atmosphere--
• however a lot of folks notice his new color
• we stay for a while until Papa leans over and says
• "" I need to go home''-- I know he is feeling bad as he
• was always the last man out of the door- sigh
• we come home and both lay down-----
• neither one of us can seem to stand up physically for long
• our minds and bodies and prayers are exhausted
• -we know that we will not hear anything tomorrow
• as it is Sunday so decide to try and fake some joy
• for the grand kids- they will come for the day
• we do not change their plans as
• we need them too..........
• Dec. 16 is a hard day for David
• he does make it to church but
• is unable to keep his commitment to take
• the grands on their annual Christmas shop
• so the boy who is a friend to Miss Ashley
• takes us down town and papa stays home alone-
• after giving us his charge card-- LOL
• we go to the local dollar store and I turn the kids
• loose with their lists and tell them to have fun
• I stay with them,
• of course but my mind is at home with Papa
• I give the kids as much time as I can manage
• and then we go back to papa- non of us really
• want to leave him alone for long-
• he sits and enjoys
• watching all the kids show off their presents
• and supervises some of the wrapping and hiding
• --------to be continued ----------

THE STORM WARNING

• DECEMBER 1-12--2007
• December 1-6 are a repeat of the month of November
• I find some frozen rice dinners that David is able
• to eat so now he is eating one meal a day
• and a pudding in the morning to take with his pill
• he is no longer drinking anything but water
• December 7-- Miss Ashley gets her 4 wisdom teeth out
• and comes here for a while= this perks papa up for a while
• as he is a good nurse-kind and patient and she is feeling no pain
• yet but needs prescriptions for the pain later
• she wants to stay over but I am
• worried if there is an emergency that papa is not well enough to take her
• so she goes home with prayers
• December 8- Miss Ashley comes here late and looks at papa and tells
• him he is turning yellow- we laugh and tell her it is her medication
• but being a determined grand child she drags papa into the light
• and removes his glasses and then we all see it- his eyes and skin are
• yellow
• my heart does a flip flog becasue I know this is not a good sign
• December 10- I take David into the doctor's with out an appointment
• he is now yellow from head to toe and sick
• suddenly the doctor is in a panic
• December 11--we go to the city for an emergency ultrasound which takes a long
• time and then another doctor re did the ultrasound and tells David to go see his
• doctor tomorrow
• at 4 o'clock the office here calls and makes an appointment for the next morning
• December 12--we go in and we don't wait long-- doctor v----comes in and just sits down with
• his head in his hands and does not speak right away=
• then he says that he has the worst news he has to tell any one- and then
• repeats the same sentence- both David and I say''what is it??
• doctor says it is CANCER OF THE WORST KIND - then he repeats it again
• we ask where?
• he says-- pancreas cancer - and repeats that twice too=
• we ask what to do and he says he is getting hold of the cancer clinic in the city
• and we will hear something today
• then he told us that this was a shock to us and to go home and rest-
• we were there for 5 minutes and our world tipped over-we did not where to go
• what to do or what to say--------we went to our church immediately for prayer
• and then went home to rest even though we could not and waited for the phone to ring
• ----to be continued in next blog-----
• hugs Meme

to blog or not to blog

I came here originally to blog something
but I am simply speechless
I will give you a little news
and see how that turns out
last night Miss Sidney came to stay over
she had a wee rest on Oma's bed and fell
asleep so
Oma
slept on her pallet that I had originally
made up for her
it is comfortable but I
kept feeling like I was in the hospital
again with papa as that is how
I spent my nights with him
on a wee pallet in the corner by his bed
if I had to get up- he was right there
I got pretty good at jumping up-
this was the first time that Miss Sidney
has even come into my/our room since
papa went HOME
today I took her to church and
then home to lunch
she has gone home now
it feels strange coming home alone
the house feels so empty even though
it is still full of our stuff
even with company
our voices ring hollow as if
the house was empty
papa seems so very very gone
if I go out
I do not want to come home but
I am exhausted pretending to be happy
and I don't know how to talk to people and
I am afraid of the awsome reponsibily
of receiving sympathy
and my eyes bruise from
holding back tears
the sound of silence is deep and
I keep waiting for my heart
to feel better
huggles me, Meme

our last date

a year has gone by since papa and I had our last date- we went out for supper and just a chat over water- we don't drink coffee--LOL- and it was a nice quiet date and papa as always made it special- he always had good things to say to me about me even though sometimes I did look like a bag lady-
I missed him this night and I am glad I have this memory- I remember that
the grand kids came up before we went out for supper= Miss Sidney was a princess and Ashley was just taking her around- Miss Ashley is sort of Miss Sidney's other mama - I remember papa taking pictures and giving them both a toony-(which is 2 dollars in Canada) and I had some socks for them- we did not give out the candy thing with the grands as we knew they would have more than enough- and were already sweet enough........
while we were eating they popped into the cafe too to say hi and find more treats- here the town is small enough for all the stores to give out candy etc. to the kids -
I think now that this date has come and nearly gone I will be able to move on with the rest of the story- I think I stuck my self on this date knowing that it would be very bitter sweet-
I know that I wrote about this once before but I felt the need to write about it again - I will probably repeat things now and then but mostly because of senior moments --
Sometimes all we have is memory, that sometimes they are what gets us through, and so we are careful before letting them go....
hugs from Meme

what if??

• when I started to blog David's cancer journey I knew that it would be hard
• and there would be things that one really does not want to face
• (on the journey there was no time to face anything
• except life as it was )
• but things that did happen-( some good, some bad and some ugly)
• and of course, there is that feeling of ''what if??
• such and such had been done or not done--
• then what would have been the out come
• would his dying have been easier for him and me?
• or maybe he would not have died (?)
• of course. the facts are
• we do not know as we can only
• see and know what was .........
• and also, there are the ''what if........things that happened which
• were blessings-- so if they had not happened
• things again would have be different
• so I guess what I am trying to say
• there are no anwers to the ''what if-s''
• because we had to or did accept God was in control
• we then have to believe that there really are no
• what if-s except in our thoughts
• and yes, the bad what if-s suck but we could not
• accept the good ''what if-s '' with out accepting the bad
• either God was in control or He was not.....
• I have to accept that He was in control
• if I believe in Him
• and every thing that did happened was/is
• beyond my understandings but in His control
• I know that you will start to see the
• good ''what if-s as you continue
• to read David's story
• my goal is to heal and also
• to share the story even though it is
• beyond my understanding-
• I do not know if I will be come stronger
• or not....right now, I am weak but
• perhaps that is where God wants me to be
• for when we are weak
• He is strong
• the facts are that David's cancer changed me
• and his death changed me
• and I am no longer that person
• who I used to be......
• as I write out the story
• maybe I will find some answers to
• my heart's cry which is
• WHY, GOD, WHY=??
• but if I do not find the answer
• I will still know that God was in control
• and that He is in control
• and I will have to silence the ''what if-s.

huggles me. Meme who really does not know who she is right now ..

last November with blessings

• even though David was sick and getting weaker and needed more rest-
• he still kept his spirits by doing this and that
• one of the things he did was make Christmas candy canes cut out from wood
• to decorate our fence and yard
• it was very hard for him to do as he had to bend over and cut them
• out with a jig saw-
• I tried to talk him out of making them and waiting until he was better
• but he was determined and cut out 10 canes which were about five
• feet tall maybe 6 inches wide
• ----he cut and sanded outside as we had a break in our
• winter weather-
• and brought them into the house to paint
• every morning he would sit the table and paint them
• he changed each cane pattern so they would be more interesting
• and of course, painted them red and -white or is that white and red?
• I knew he was in pain as he would sit holding his tummy
• but would not give up....
• and when he had a few done he took them outside and hung them on our fence
• they are still there and have been all seasons-
• there is a reason why that I will share in a later blog
• yes, we had some good times together
• we would rest in the afternoon checking out the old
• shows on tv that we watched in the seventies
• we were happy to be together
• David did go to bed quite early
• and was no longer well enough to walk the dog
• he also went to his eye specialist and got
• an excellent report - his eyes were in top condition-
• he would also sit at his chair and little table
• and copy out the new testament
• word for word as he found it easier to get into his heart
• he has several note books of his writing that I
• gave to Miss Ashley
• Meals were a very hard thing to try and make
• as he could eat so little and most things upset
• him immediately- we did simple soups and toast
• most of the time- I was not worried about his
• salt intake as he just needed food to keep
• his blood sugar up-
• I thank God for that month as it will always
• be in my heart and we made many memories
• and had wonderful chats.......
• good night and next email will be from December
• huggles me, Meme who loved/loves papa David

last Novenber 2007

• I think last November was the best and worst month of our marriage
• David became sicker and was sick every day- horrid sick
• almost like a terrible flu day after day
• we only went out when we had too
• we were together 24/7 which was the good part
• and he started to let me take care of him as
• often he was too tired or sick to do it himself
• he was a good patient - maybe because he was so sick
• we rested and talked watched old tv shows
• and kept each other calm
• we both knew that something was wrong
• because David started to loose weight rapidly and
• was unable to eat more than a spoon of food here or there
• I also started a small janitress job at the church
• which was a good thing and a God thing
• we did go down every day and papa
• struggled to help the fellows at the church
• as they were doing some room repairs
• it was good for him to feel needed even
• though he was so sick
• the pastor came to me and mentioned his concern
• not only of papa's health but also re his doctor
• I did not know but when David had gone
• to the doctor in October - the doctor was quite rude
• and hard on David about coming in with new complaints
• I was shocked and when I asked David why he did not tell
• me , he told me he did not want to worry - sigh-
• I watched him become sicker and weaker
• and finally at the end of November
• I made a doctor's appointment and told
• papa I was going with him and if the doctor
• had any rude comments he would have to deal with me
• I am not sure if papa was more scared of the doctor or of me
• I am just a quiet little thing until I see some one being
• treated wrong
• so we went and yes, I told the doctor every thing and
• about papa loosing 30 pounds in a month etc- etc
• the doctor did hear me as I was very clear
• and did decide to set up some tests for David
• he tried to talk David into taking insulin but
• I questioned the doctors knowledge re the insulin
• and told him we wanted a specialist to set up
• the insulin etc. as I no longer trusted the fact
• that David was a diabetic as he had no symptoms
• other than a small raise in his blood sugar and
• also the diabetic nurse had questions and so did
• his eye doctor - they felt that David was not
• showing any symptoms and need further care
• and I got the appointment with the specialist
• but of course- we had to start a waiting game for
• the tests and the other doctor- sigh
• but at least this doctor admitted that something
• was not right and he did not know what it was
• oh, how I wish I could have talked dear papa
• into going to another doctor sooner
• as he had had many symptoms over the years
• but he seemed to
• like this doctor so much- perhaps because he
• felt he knew him and David did not like going to the
• doctor=
• I am so thankful the pastor could see more
• than the doctor could-
• I saw things too but because I was with him
• all the time things slip past me -
• sigh- I knew papa was not a complainer and I
• also the doctor that and let him know that I
• now expected to have something done-
• we did go home with some hope ......

I will continue some of papa's November in another post but I just needed to start

some where - this was the hardest part of our November- and it was barely a year ago-

we had many blessings during November that got us through the worse of our times and the best of our times-and it was the beginning of hard times-

The Lord was our Shepherd

widowing along

• being a widow has not stopped my joy moments that come
• it would be fun to share them with papa too but I can share some with you-
• joy moments are those little things that happen
• that makes your heart sing( I stole this thought from another sweet granny)

1. watching Miss Sidney laugh and hearing her too- she has a silly almost haunting

laugh which makes her rock and roll all over- she cannot contain her self and ends

up making Oma laugh at her and with her- she is the baby grandkid and has her heart mashed into Oma's heart

2. hearing stories about papa David that I missed while he was off on an outing- how good he was to folks - the things he did for them - and he never came home to brag as he was often busy finding some thing more to do for some one-he was that kind of guy--

3. just every day things that happen to bring joy- sometimes I miss the joy when I have my head in the clouds- mourning papa but I know that this grief will fade and I will keep on doing the Father's business-

THERE IS JOY IN MOURNING

the beginning of the end

am getting closer to the diagnosis date of David's cancer and I find that now I just want toget on with our story- I am telling the story from the ending to the beginning as I can only lookbackwards- all that has been happened has been said and done- I find that I need to hurry nowas I feel his story is bursting frommy heart-It is a story that needs to be told for my healing and also perhaps it will help someone else someday not suffer what we did-Soon there will be hard things said here that will be a shock to read and you will wonderhow in a rich country like Canada where we all have the freedom to medical care and also some of the best medical care in the world that someone could be allowed to die from not only cancer but mistakes-Some of you will question why I do not take David's case to court and the one simple reason is that David forgave all the doctors and the blunders and he accepted them as God's will. And now so do I- this was a difficult decision to make for both of us but we kept saying that God was in control and the Lord was our shepherd- We realized that we could not have it both ways - if we believe that God is /was in control then we had to accept the good, the bad and the ugly-In our province we cannot sue anyone or use the information in court if we forgive- it is in the fine print that most of us do not read-LOLDavid knew that his life was heading towards his death and he did not want any weights of unforgivenness pulling him down- all he wanted was his story told and something to be done to make sure that this medical treatment and care does not continue to happen- I will be sharing this story next year with our minister of health in our province with the idea that he can help make changes -there will be no enquiry but he is willing to hear-so know that so I shall be righting some tough stuff but also there are many blessings whichLord bestowed on us during our cancer walk-pray for me as I need strength telling and also grieving-I can and will do this to honor papa David-

me today on tuesday

me today was ok but have had a lot of pain and then of course, taking medication upsets the tummy
and also makes me feel weaker- sigh
but Miss Ashley and I walked down town and it was fairly nice outside with our winter jackets on-
Miss Ashley got a tattoo today- she is 18 and can do these things now - she got a purple cancer ribbon
and the name ''papa'' beside it- it is on her shoulder and it is about 1 inch or less - I realize that some folks may not understand
a christian girl doing this but she loved her papa so much and can also use this as a reminder
to people that cancer really is out there- it will not show all the time unless she is swimming or wearing a backless
dress- I supported her as I knew how much it meant to her to honor her ''papa'' in some way- and I know that God knows
her heart and shares her tears --you can see the ribbon on my site by my name or close to it-

other wise we did not a lot other than dishes and 1 load of laundry-

A BLANKET OF HOPE

Today, I went on my little outing to the thrift store
I find books that I can afford there and right now,
I often read to relax and just escape me for a while
I found a beautiful new patch work duvet cover
new and unwashed for four dollars
it has wonderful spring colors in it- soft and comforting
not sure of the pattern yet but I think may be
""stepping ladders""
it reminds me that although fall has arrived
with a long cold winter to follow
THAT SPRING WILL FOLLOW
I feel it is a sign from God .......
to remind methat I do have hope ----
not a message from papa as I know that
he cannot send me a message
but God's word tells me of God's
hope for me and
it is a hope for me- a new hope
papa David has already received his hope :-)
and now God knows that I need my
hope renewed and He gave me His assurance-
I know that God loves me because He says so..
yes, I need to get through winter but now
I will remember after the winter comes spring
after the rain comes the rainbow
I know that some of you cannot
see your hope or
feel your hope but because of circumstances
but
let me assure you that God is your hope
and that He will continue to bless you
and keep you-
and that more than anything
know that He loves you=
I have put the cover on my bed and
when I come to my room alone now
I am reminded that I do have hope
even in my deepest grief.
huggles me, Meme

the prince

• I have always loved to read and as a kid, I read many fairy tales
• and also was taught to be a wife and mother and keeper of the home
• so I always dreamed of being a princess who would find her prince
• and live happily ever after....well,
• I did find my prince although he was not tall, dark, and handsome-
• he was short, Blondie and handsome- LOL
• we played house for a year and a bit and then
• our first baby came and I woke up
• to unmade beds, dirt dishes and baby bottles
• and the real story
• but we had fun and decided we could add
• another child to the nest so we finally
• settled down with two daughters who were both tomboys
• and we made a home and a family
• we were most often poor and learned how
• to cook hamburger in 101 different ways
• we had a normal dysfunctional family
• and when our nest became empty we had
• a lot of distress until we discovered
• each again and also found that we had time
• to be a prince and a princess and turn our
• home into a castle with Jesus as our king
• we did live happily ever after and
• now that papa has gone to his eternal life
• and I am missing our ever after here I
• am so glad that he was a prince
• who made me feel like a queen=
• I am going to a grief group now and
• for homework we are supposed to write our
• loved one a letter but I am not comfortable
• writing to papa David so I have decided not too
• I know that we do not talk to the dead nor
• do they talk to us as they are not over
• ''there''
• waiting to send us some message telling us
• to let go....
• so I guess I will have to go in with
• out doing my homework
• quite their way of right
• but I did think I would write this instead
• and share it with you all
• I loved my prince
• and I thank God that we had an ever after
• here on earth and we will have a eternal
• ever after when my work here is done.
• huggles me, Meme aka Oma

our last supper......

Last October 31 was the last time that papa and I went out together for supper= he was not well but he still wanted to go- we always go out that evening as our Dogman can not handle Halloween- too much knocking on doors and the kids frighten him- he gets very sick and was in the doggie hospital the first year we had him so the vet suggested that he not go under that stress again-
I can remember where we went and what we had- papa had his usual veal cutlets with gravy on the side and his french fries= I knew that papa was not feeling well and suggested we just turn off the lights and not answer the door but he wanted to keep with our tradition- which was 10 years old-
We had a nice time but David could not finish his meal and so we sat there for a while chatting- we thought , of course that there would be other suppers- Miss Sidney came in to the cafe dressed like a princess with her sisters so we were content to see them and not too worried about them missing any candy at our house- their bags were quite full =other little kids came in the cafe too so we sat back and enjoyed watching them-
I am so glad that it was a night of memories-content memories- the Lord gave us the blessing of that last supper that was good to our hearts- hmmm- maybe not as healthy for our hearts but still wonder filled- I even remember where we sat-
I am getting closer to the beginning of David's journey with cancer now and while it is hard to remember ; it is also healing me- I did not have much time to share during his illness but I have not forgotten- some of the dates will be off but most of the special events I have down in my heart-
Some of the things that I will be writing will be hard to write as all the memories are not good and many are very painful- but I do want to say that some of those painful memories were blessings from the Lord- you will understand that statement more as you read our story-
The supper is a good good memory now but I doubt that I would have remembered it if our lives had not been turned inside out shortly afterwards.
Please make memories every day as we do not know when something will be the last time and we need to remember those last times as good -
see you soon= huggles me, Meme

we had hope

Hope was the one thing papa and I had through out his cancer journey-
hope in the Lord and for a while we spelled hope--chemo
and when the chemo hope ran out we just sat back
knowing that our hope was eternal no matter what others or the doctors
said-even when we cried and laughed we kept our hope=
it was all we had and in the end; hope was all we needed -

I wrote this today from my heart and wanted to share it with everyone

remember your hope is in the Lord
no matter what the circumstances say
huggles me, Meme

a new day

• I got up this morning and decided that I would have to make the day good
• I did keep busy and also managed to talk to people
• and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other
• and now it is the end of the day and
• I can say
• that I had a good ''good day.''
• I need to go to rest now as the day
• was filled with coming and going
• but ''it was a good thing.''
• tomorrow is a new day again and that too
• is a ''good thing''.

huggles me, Meme

A FEW BLUE DAYS

just when I thought that I had a handle on my grief; it fell off-
that last two days have just been so hard to face from moment to moment-
I have to make myself put on foot in front the other- the weather is not too cheerful either- and perhaps I did wear my physical body and my emotions out on Monday-but I thought I would never feel this bad again-
I am still glad we had Monday as it was making new memories-
I read where grief does slip back in because it must finish-
I liked it when the grief was just sitting there but the up and down feelings seem to cause me more pain-partly because it is more unexpected and comes at unexpected times-
I have to remind my self that God is in control- and I need to be patient with me -
I know that tomorrow is a new day and I will get up and rejoice in it- even if I cry I will rejoice- thank you for praying for me

• huggles me, Meme

THANKSGIVING DAY

• we had our Canadian thanksgiving this week end and
• today we had dinner at my house
• a good and hard day with out papa David
• but Miss Ashley stepped in to help and did
• all the things he would have taken care of such as:
• peeling the potatoes and
• mashing them and
• cutting up the turkey with an electric knife and all
• fingers are still intact :-)
• she helped straighten the house and
• supervised the boy who is a friend after
• enlisting his help
• she is a stuffer when cleaning with some things so
• not sure if she will make it into her room
• tonight=LOL
• but house looked fine and she shut her door
• both daughters came and their kids
• Oma said no to ''take outs '' this year-
• as one daughters the kids have not
• been coming to family productions over the last several years
• but always wanted a meal brought home to them and friends
• and it always hurt papa that they could not take
• a little time a few times a year to come and say hi
• and guess what-- they came- this is something
• their mom should be insisting on but they
• like to do what they want too like all kids.......
• I do not expect grand kids to come all the time
• but I do think that it is just respect that they
• can come over now and then
• they were not even showing up for their Christmas gifts
• it is not a choice for the other daughter's kids (she would not allow it)
• and that
• is why they know Oma- kids sometimes need training
• to appreciate other people and they did have
• fun here with out mommy playing interference and running supper
• home to them....
• it is hard to have a family function if everyone decides
• they want ''take out'' instead of coming over.
• so Oma stuck with what ''she said'' and
• everyone was happy...........
• we missed papa but we did ok
• I had a couple of meltdowns today when
• I was home alone but managed well with
• the kids here............
• now everyone has gone home to their beds....
• I had a happy day and introduced a new
• tradition
• and I am thankful to know papa David
• is with his Shepherd-and that we had a family day
• huggles me, Meme aka Oma

only yesterday

It seems like last year's September and October were only yesterday- Our world was safe and content- David was starting to have sick days but they were only a day at a time and the doctor kept referring his health to diabetes- we had gone to a throat specialist due to his lump in the throat and he did a scope and assured us that there was no cancer there- he said that David had calcium deposits on his throat probably due to silent acid reflux- that is a reflux that can sneak up on you and you don't have heart burn- so a prescription was given and taken and although it did help the lump remained- we were happy with news mainly because David had been trying to explain this lump to doctors for over a year and they generally wrote it off because they could not see it or feel it-
-David also had his eye checks by two doctors and they could not see any sign of diabetes damage in his eyes which meant that his diabetes was under good control-
so although he did not feel well we were happy with our medical news- and on sick days we used gravel as prescribed.
David was often very tired and so we stopped most of our activities and only shopped when we needed too- he still managed to volunteer a few hours a day at the church= the bath rooms were being renovated by the men- but I could see though that things were starting to pile up in his life- he was not able to complete the fall yard work and often went to bed early- again we just decided perhaps age was catching up to him and that with some rest and relaxation he would be renewed- Neither of us were too worried because we knew after the winter would come spring-

I am glad now we had that almost calm before the storm as it gave us time together just chatting and dreaming- we planned a long holiday traveling through Canada and other short trips to places we had always wanted to go- we planned some smart things and dreamed some foolish things but we still believed spring was coming-

We continued to have our week-enders (grand kids) with us but I did notice that Papa David did not have the energy for the kids so we just kept them for shorter hours-
I remember those months now as our golden months- months that we will never get back so I thank God we had them together-now it is fall again with winter close behind and I have to believe that spring will come again.

to be continued...
huggles me, Meme ( Papa's wife)

October 9- anniversary

On Thursday- October 9 - I celebrated my 42 anniversary- it was a bitter sweet day as I missed hubby and our own personal celebration that we had always done faithfully together each year.
And I finally =felt that I had said a good bye that was ''good bye, my friend-I miss you and love and I was so blessed to share part of your life and my life together with you-
On past excursions when we went places separately
I remembered how we both watched and waved to each other beyond the ''out of sight- Now I have simply stopped waving as I know that I can accept ''his leaving and he that he is out of sight, but only for a moment of our time. Although he cannot come to me I will some day go to him.
It is with a heavy heart that I can now say this but I also know that his trip is finished and now I must continue with out him on my journey- He will continue to be in my heart and thoughts daily but no longer with wishful thinking but with the knowledge that he is gone- He left me with the good Shepherd and wonderful memories to share with my/his family.
His gift was to make me ''feel loved - to know love and to be able to receive my love in return- something that we all want to have and to feel- and need = and he gave his love with out conditions.
He was a gift from God and although he is out of my physical vision and touch - he is in my heart vision and his love touches me.
I shall continue to grieve for him and write of him and to follow the good Shepherd. - I will have tears of sorrow and days of mourning but I can again feel God's love- that He slips it into my life whenever I let Him- and so I will make this journey with the Lord, and I too will go some day to the place that He has prepared for me-
Thank you, God for giving me papa David for 42 years=

thanksgiving weekend

• here in Canada we are celebrating our ''thanksgiving'' day on Monday
• we will have a large dinner- Meme bought a turkey and will
• try to spend some time teaching with the g'kid so next year she can
• so her own turkey
• she picked it out with some supervision and now
• we need it to thaw so we can cook a dinner on Monday
• we have so much in our country= our province--our town and our
• home to be thankful for
• it will be our first big meal with out papa David and it will be
• interesting to see who will carve the turkey
• we will miss him and we are all thankful having such a wonderful
• man in our lives-
• will be back later as I do have more share
• soft thankful hugs and God bless everyone

Limes into Lemons

My 18 year old grand daughter is living with me now so that she can work and also learn the fine art of taking care of herself;;;
she is half woman and half child.. but willing to learn. I have been teaching her to shop and cook some simple healthy meals =
I sent her shopping for a weeks groceries for her and me and on occasion have the boy who is a friend as a guest= ( he is like feeding an army so we can only afford to invite him now and then and his mother feeds him so he is not going starve)
back to the groceries= she did well for a starter shopper and she will learn from her mistakes and she will soon be buying her own groceries=she shares the cost of the groceries now but I generally go with her-
she bought 2 limes and left them on the counter for a long time- at least a week and finally I asked her if she was going to use the limes- she said ''yes' as soon as they ripen into lemons- I looked at her in laughing shock and then explained to her that limes are limes and lemons are lemons and one cannot become the other........once I explained this to her- she had a good laugh and we used our limes in place of lemons for the salmon that she bought-
I think that some times we think that we can ripen our attitudes from bad to good but we cannot- bad is bad and good is good. We have to replace our bad attitudes with Christ given thoughts and we need to start with our hearts where the fruit of the spirit will ripen.

huggles me, Meme

do not be discouraged

• one of the things that I prayed about when starting this blog was:


• was that I did not want to discourage any one because


• of David's death-from his cancer


• it is important because many people have cancer now and they


• are struggling with the diagnosis and chemo and or radioation etc


• and learning to live with cancer


• I want you to know that David did live with his cancer


• and we always spoke of him as living with cancer rather than


• dying with cancer-


• his cancer was not discovered until he was in stage 4 plus and


• involved his pancrease - upper bowel and stomach and there


• was no surgery that could be done to remove the cancer as


• the surgery -in it self- would have killed him immediately


• also his cancer was too extended for radioation and
  
• he could only have pallitive chemo as normal chemo could


• not decrease the cancer but the palliative chemo


• could possibley slow the speed and spread of the cancer down


• the doctors could give him no hope but


• we had hope in the Lord with the promise of eternal life


• and as you will see in later posts that the Lord


• blessed David indeed=


• I pray that anyone with cancer who reads this
• blog will remember that........


• he did not die in vain or with out hope


• keep your hope as many cancers are healed and do not give


• up your treatments or your hope-
  
• God was in control and walked with us through the valley
• he gave us nearly 42 years together and left us with memories
• to hold that I want to share with you....
• yes, I cry and rage at times and my joy is painful
• but I know that God had a purpose for every day that He
• gave to David
• we believed that God could heal David and when he did not we
• still believed God
• we did cry and beg and promise God many times but we always
• asked God according to His will-
• so please remember that cancer is also a beginning and death is not
• the end
• I love you- friends
• and I thank you for walking with me
• it is so good to know that I am not walking alone
• huggles me, Meme aka Oma

God said no.......

When my husband was given his diagnosis re terminal cancer our first reaction was to pray against the cancer and believe that God was healing him- it took us weeks to finally say to God= what ever, Lord, we are willing to go through this trial if you are with us- it was hard to let go of our faith in the healing and just believe what God said......we both struggled with our faith finally realizing that our faith could not be placed in our faith but in God- we finally knew one day that there was no turning back to just faith but we also had to believe ---- the promises of Psalm 23 and John 3:16 Letting go- of papa was the hardest thing that I ever had to do because I had to give him to God to do according to His will and not mine/ours- I still cling to ''wanting papa David here even though I know he is now made whole and that he always did belong to God- I am not happy that I lost papa David to the cancer but I praise God that he won his eternal life just as his favorite verse- John 3:16 says-For David so believed that God gave his only begotten son and if David believed he would/does have eternal life- It is worth the grief to know where David is.....and I praise God that when David was lost he was found through God's amazing grace
huggles me, Meme

Monday thoughts

I am here just to say that I am praying
for each of you and I know that Jesus loves you-
what a wonderful thing to feel and know that He is taking care
of our needs - sometimes my trust is weak and yet
He still holds me in the palm of his hand--
I send hugs to you all because of Him we can be together
across the world and share our prayers and our thoughts
with out being a terrorized- there is a country but I forget the name
where it is illigal to say the name of Jesus- when I heard that I knew then that we
are indeed blessed-
huggles me, Meme

a sunday note

• little grand daughter spent the night with Oma
• so it was nice to have her to get up too
• we went to church
• and it was a dinner after
• so Oma did not have to even cook for the kids
• and then her dad came for her
• and big kid went to work
• and Oma just rested
• my cold is still here so I am off to bed
• early for me with a box of kleenex and some chocolate
• it was a good thank filled sunday
• see you tomorrow
• huggles me, Meme aka Oma

Friday thanks .................

• thank you.Lord
• for bring ing the sun so that I could walk to the bank and stay warm
• and for giving the money needed to pay my monthly bills
• for a grand daughter who is a comfort and help to me
• for friends who stand with me in my sorrow
• for a small job that helps me keep my mind
• for your salvation
• for the opportunity to write out my thanks

huggles from your child, Meme

thinking out loud

It was a beautiful day here with sunshine and heat-- I had a quiet day and a few sad moments- one of the things I never knew was that once you are a widow you have to remove the spouse's name off of so many things- today was insurance for the house and you also have to bring a copy of the death certificate( every where you go) - I did get there and just sat and cried- I could not even make the check out and was blessed by the lady just doing what she had too and writing everything out for me so all I had to do was ''sign '' my name- ouch- as it hurt hard today- I still have a few more things that I need to take hubby's name off and I need pray for strength-
- other wise the day and my journey are ok-
and I will be back tomorrow
huggles me, Meme

A WINNING WEDNESDAY

• Sunshine all day
• cold is getting better so less
• kleenex
• went for a walk
• Dogman spent a lot of time outside enjoying today
• left overs for supper
• got every thing ready for the bank- including bills
• have enough money to pay those bills

have a wonder tomorrow and I will catch you here-

huggles me, Meme aka Oma

thankful list--number 3

• For those who are not sure of what I am doing - I am making a list (over time) of things that I often take for granted and simply do not thank God for- the list will be, of course, endless although I originally set the number at 100 - the list is not in any particular order as all of the items are ''thank you, Lord'' in my heart-
• Today I am thinking of ''pencils'' - those little yellow sticks with a lead and an eraser that I enjoy doing my puzzles with and other writing- they are still a wonderful means of communicating even though we now have computers , fancy pens, and typewriters etc- there is just something about a pencil that reminds me of God's grace- we can make marks all over our life and yet, with His forgiveness our mistakes do not show in his book of life as He erases them completely- All we need to do is show( admit) our sin and He is forgiving..
• I remember as a kid how often I would have a pencil to write on paper and daddy would sharpen it with his jack knife-- only schools had pencil sharpeners and we were only allowed to sharpen our pencils once a day- I am sure that we would have done it more often if the teacher had allowed it but she soon caught on that it was an excellent way for us to get out of school work- I learned quickly not to chew the eraser off as daddy did not have money to replace a usable pencil and if I made a mistake and had no eraser I had to draw a neat line through the question and do the whole thing over again-Then everyone could see the mistakes that I had made-
• I am so glad that God does not draw lines through our mistakes so that others can still see our mistakes- but erases them completely- Thank you, Lord for pencils with erasers and thank you for being our eraser.
• Huggles me, Meme

my days this week

so Oma......
has caught a head cold and I cannot find anyone to blame it on-
but have spent a day in bed with books and tv for noise
and did get up today and did dishes and other such stuff that
manages to keep on moving in the house
I am going to continue to rest today and look forward
to a new day tomorrow
I miss david's pampering but the dear grand daughter did go down with
a note to the drug store and got some over the counter medicine to
perk me up-
I will be back soon ........
it seems to me a cold would be blue but then again my nose is red, LOL

here is some strength for your journey ---

Healed and Whole
One day I dug a little hole and put my hurt inside I thought that I could just forget I'd put it there to hide.
But that little hurt began to grow I covered it every day I couldn't leave it and go on It seemed the price I had to pay.
My joy was gone, my heart was sad Pain was all I knew. My wounded soul enveloped me Loving seemed too hard to do.
One day, while standing by my hole I cried to God above And said, "If You are really there -- They say, You're a God of love!"
And just like that -- He was right there And just put His arms around me He wiped my tears, His hurting child There was no safer place to be.
I told Him all about my hurt I opened up my heart He listened to each and every word To every sordid part.
I dug down deep and got my hurt I brushed the dirt away And placed it in the Master's hand And healing came that day.
He took the blackness of my soul And set my spirit FREE! Something beautiful began to grow Where the hurt used to be.
And when I look at what has grown Out of my tears and pain I remember every day to give my hurts to Him And never bury them again.
Author Unknown


Peace, peace, to the far and the near, says the LORD; and I will healthem." ~Psalm 57:19

joy for my friend

so often we get to share a Friend's joy but we do not
always thank our God for this joy-
Lord- thank you for the news that Cora was able to hear today
and even though her journey is at the beginning we know You are with
her the whole trip- You are the good Shepherd
I know that sometimes the journey is very hard
and has many stumbles along the way but I believe what You
said -- that You are always with us- no matter where the journey
ends--
Lord, I miss Papa but I know that you took good care of him here
and that now he is with you with no tears or pain or suffering- and
the end of his journey was the beginning of his eternity with you=
thank you - Lord- for beginnings and endings -
Meme aka Oma

FRIDAY'S TOP TEN BLESSINGS

1. it didn't snow- the weather man was wrong :-)
2. went for a walk today and saw a lot of leaves of many colors on the ground-
3. did a little decluttering up in the almost but not quite an attic- it has rooms in it but we can not sleep up there due to fire regulations- re insurance- but it is/was a good place to do crafts or hobbies and storage- however the storage seems to have got away on us- a lot of it was things that papa thought that he might use or need some day- it is very bitter sweet and I see his dreams and yet his dreams are not needed by him anymore- so I am sorting and just ''letting go'' some is toss- some is give away and very little is for me to keep---but I am so glad he had his dreams and his joy - and even though he did not get to finish all of his projects he had a wonderful time dreaming them-
4. fed the kids frozen pizza straight from the oven after finding it in the freezer- who said Oma has to be healthy every night--LOL
5. the boy who is a friend is on a holding pattern on my couch as he locked his keys in his truck--AGAIN--so he has to wait for his mom to come - this way the kids have to stay home with Oma--hahaha
6. Dogman is asleep in his favorite chair- he is getting more settled with his papa-friend gone away
7. no dirty dishes due to number 4
8. found a new chocolate brownie recipe that I will try soon- it was upstairs in some of the ''stuff'' we were saving for some day
9. my house plants are starting to relax after the hot summer- heat seems to slow them down-
10. my friends here who encourage me with your words and thoughts- it is a good thing to have some one read what is in my heart- papa used to listen - he was a good listener-

good night, every one- hugs from Meme

time off

I took a couple of days off which almost turned into three- it seems like
there is a lot to do in the fall- leaves here are coming down fast and now
the weatherman said we might get a dusting of snow- God must think
we are a cake.......
Last night, some one spray painted our church- I did not see the damage
as one of the board members cleaned it off but I washed all the windows- so now
my arm is tired- it is so sad to think that some one found fun in doing it -

number 2- on my long list is:
socks- I am so glad we have something to protect our feet from dust and dirt and keep us warm too- in Alberta we need socks at least 9 months out of the year--
I have all colors of socks as I decided white can be too boring- it is a great conversation piece if you have bright yellow or pink socks on-and it makes other people laugh---
I remember that papa had cold feet and his feet were so swelled he could not
wear his socks but I found some of mine that would really stretch out with out leaving marks and were soft and cozy- also very colorful with Christmas green and red- he loved his/my socks as they did not hurt his legs- Miss Ashley found a pretty pink pair of hers and he wore those too- the nice thing about cancer is that you can wear what ever you want and no one is going to challenge you or make fun of you-Cancer took a lot but not papa's sense of humor-
we laughed nearly every day over papa's feet in those socks instead of crying about the swelling - God gave us that laughter -
must go and find some socks for tomorrow's snow (wink)
huggles me, Meme