chemo is coming

I have my first chemo treatment on Oct-28 Wednesday- at 9:30 a.m.
I will update more tomorrow-5 sleeps to go-- I hope I can rest the night before- I am happy to know I have a date now but also very anxious.hugs from Meme

yesterday's cancer news

today was very long and tiring - and the news is rough.
I have cell cancer in the lining of my stomach and it is not the good cancer.
-they can treat me but there is no cure.
it is the same cancer that David had except that it is in my lining of stomach rather than pancreas and Davids had already became terminal.
I will begin treatments soon and I have to have a colonoscopy on Friday to determine if it has spread to the bowel.It did not show on the ct scan but he said the scan can not pick up this up there too well so the colonoscopy..yuck
I am very tired and exhausted and just shell shocked---I will be better tomorrow( and I did as it is now tomorrow ) it is fine to share and I will up date as I can- as long as folks realize this is really all i know and that next week I will get the port put in and I cannot individually reply right now--it is going to be a tough battle to get me into remission but I have hope as that is what the doctor gave me as well as the grim news.---radiation will not work for this type of cancer and I have not reached a terminal stage right now -------- remission is good thing -

hugs from Meme

in memory of papa---blessing

today 2 of his friends came with trucks and cleaned up my back yard of things that were done and also cleaned out an entire shed so that I have a whole unit to store things so that I can continue to down size and if I am not sure I can still remove from the house-I was so blessed== also can put all the thrift store stuff until they come back and they will take it down for me-this is like having a whole new room added to my house-they took an old chair and dresser and hamper from the house for me too - which adds more space for me they did it in memory of papa and in honor of meI am so blessed--I was able to share some of papa hubbys things with them- R------has a whole load of wood for their wood burning stove as papa hubby had a lot of willow saved up for his canes he made--they tried to pay me and so I tried to pay them-- and we both agreed that this is what friendship is for--and so we both won each other over -

will write soon- huggles me- Meme

ct scan done :-)

the scan and the day went smoothly- hoping the results will be in by Friday but not for sure.
I go to the city hospital but they still have to be read and sent to another cancer clinic for further reading--so I am being a patient waiting patient but the good news is that
I have my first appointment on October 13 at the cancer clinic so I will begin my journey then-
I had a good day and was able to get the kitchen back to my standards which is two clean sinks
so just being able to do that makes me feel better-
I just puttered and rested etc-
forgive me for times between updates but I have to try to rest and take things easy and even phone calls and emailing is tiring on some days- I am learning what balance is...........
I love you guys and know that you are holding up in prayer- that is the greatest blessing of all

huggles from Meme

Dogman is with papa

Dogman has been sick off and on with his Cushings and the last two days were too much for himand his kidney's stopped filtering the water he was drinking which meant his blood was getting no water and
I
took him to the vet but there was nothing she could do but gently send him to papa hubby- He was so weak and just went to sleep with a calming drug - she knew he was dying so we sat in a special room togetherand he slipped away- she did have to use the death medicine-
He seemed content to be with me - He would have been 13 tomorrow- he is being cremated privately and will come to us in a pretty cedar box- with his name on and '' thanks for the memories. I am ok as ok is for me right now
and my little bird was bit by a bee and died 15 minutes afterwards so today is not a good day here=
The shepherd is carrying me tonight and praise God as my ct scan is on Oct-6
and I will answer some of the lovely private messages soon-
I had to take care of Dogman for the last two days as I wanted him to be comfort and so I got behind in emails-
hugs from Meme

the letter O

I rather got behind on letters so will now just think about O
I will just do letters when I can....
of course, there are Oreo cookies which most folks love but I have
to admit I do not- and there are oats which take part in our daily lives in
cerels and breads- cheerios with honey :-)
but for me right now is the word OH
it often prefixs( is that the correct thought) my words
like oh no---which was one of my first thoughts about this cancer
and of course- my prayer- Oh God, help me- this was my cry
this week end and I know that He is with me and although I can
not see what He is doing right now, I can feel His presence-
so often, David of the psalms cried out to God and God heard and we
know when we cry that we are heard.
My other prayer is that God's will be done
even though there will be days and times that I/we
do not want His will...........
I am sure there are other O words but as I am winging it tonight
I will leave you with this thought-
Oh God, thank you for leading me this far.........

hugs from Meme

Meme has bad news

I had to go to the doctor for him to check the biopsy site for infection or problems- that part is ok but the first of the results are in and I do have cancer- they do not know where it is originating from at this time and they do not know if it is good or bad- I have to go to the cancer clinic in the city and also have ct scans done asap- there is no doubt about the lump containing cancer but the problem is why?? once they know the origin it will be easier to make plans of what the chemo will be and if there will or will not be surgerythat is all I know today-- I am stunned and do not really know what to say except pray for me- I will weep today- then have a good week end and begin the battle on MondayI will tell you whatever I know when I know itI cannot say anymore right now as this note hurts me to have to tell you my sad news
I love you- friends from Meme

home from biopsy

i am home- the test was quite pain free but oh my, now it is so painful re my left side - face- etc- took some pain meds and must do nothing for a few days- no reports for 10 days as they have to do extensive testing- and we will go from there-i am very tired so I will go to bed again- I will blind copy to groups== they did 7 different needle tests and I swear each needle got bigger but he did it with the ultra sound so he knew where to go----------thank you for praying
loving thougts from me and gentle right arm huggles

missiing letters

• I see that I have missed some of our letters for unglazed
• and will have to back track and see what I can find to tickle
• your funny bone,,,,,,,
• daddy always used that expression when he was about to tell a story
• the weather has been great
• had to take Miss Ashley to the doctor
• for another foot sprain=
• it is the main muscle in her foot this time
• so she is limping again=
• she tends to fall off her foot on the left side
• so needs to be more careful when running or
• walking
• then we went out for supper at a local cafe
• which was rather fun - just her and me being together
• with out the boy who is a friend............and also
• no Dogman to give us the begging eye--
• we came home and both had a nap--LOL
• the doctor can not give me either encouragement or
• discouragement re the lump===
• he just does not know and wants to have it taking care of
• quickly but he did say he will do everything in his power
• to make sure this is taking care of now-----------
• so the biopsy will really tell us a lot so we can
• move forward-
• have a great work and I will work on my unglazed alphabet
• thinking on things like that put me to sleep which
• is a good thing
• hugs from Meme

this is Meme

I am ok but tired and weary
and also have found a health issue
about 4 weeks ago I noticed a lump on my lower neck
and in a few days it got bigger so
off to the doctor
so far I have had x rays
and then blood tests
and then ultra sound
and now on the 21 of Sept. I will have a biopsy
I feel ok about this but being so tired
this has added to my load
I am keeping the faith and
just trying to take things one day at a time
the tummy is still an issue and that appointment
is not until October 8
I have been eating better as I want to be strong
for the biopsy ( it is a lymph node)
so I just have to try to overcome the stomach pain
but as we all know
when one has chronic pain
it does take a lot of energy to keep
going and going=
I will be back soon
I just to weary to think out tales
loads of love
and huggles
from Meme

sneaking in late

• I have just been, well not here, LOL
• however tomorrow I have to come with an S word-
• so I will make sure that I get a good sleep
• and then sort out something sensible--(wink)
• not sure how the week slipped by so fast
• but I am ok---
• I did go to a funeral for an good friend
• to papa hubby and I on Friday-
• he too died with cancer
• I did see some old friends there
• and also David's sister came and sat
• with me so it was full of good memories too.
• and then I saw one of our old pastor's
• from a little pentecostal church where
• we used to go before we were planted at the Nazarene church
• both are lovely God filled churches and we only
• moved with prayer as we needed a Sunday school for our grand-kids
• as we took them every week- ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
• but back to the pastor- he did not know that papa graduated
• from his earthly life-
• so we had a sad but nice visit and
• I have to say that this is the first church function
• that I have attended since papa hubby's death
• where I did not look for papa-
• it was a sad occasion and yet I felt free of a burden
• that I have carried since July 21- 2008
• pray for widow Betty as she begins her journey of grief-
• off to see if I can sleep on a S word
• and fix a tale for you tomorrow.

My plans..........

Just stopping by to say hello- I was looking for this picture to share as it reminds me of

how we can make joy with and for each other- just by sending a smile-

so here is mine today-- I just noticed I have a file here(in the computer) for spring chores to be done in 2008--and none of them are done-!!!

it made me think of how life is full of our plans but in the spring of 2008 the Lord had me taking care of dear papa hubby = and so those spring chores were filed away. I did not do them this spring either re my health as I must do as I can do when I can now.

-. I wonder if I should rename the file for 2010- no, maybe not- God will show me his plans then and they will be good plans for me-.

Have a wonder filled week that is left and I will pop in soon.

huggles from Meme

Unglazed Letter T

• here we are with another week and a new letter for:

http://unglazed.blogspot.com/

• T is one of those letters that begins a lot of words



• maybe too many because I had a hard time picking one



• I could rant about my tea that I can no longer drink



• but I did that once already and it has been



• two whole weeks tea-less- and I did try to drink



• a cup of decaffeinated but it was no go......



• so I will remain tea-less



• so now I have to find another word that begins with T



• my biggest trouble here is that I have no pictures to post


• that begin with T but T does remind me of the word


• TWO which reminds me of matched sets


• like salt and pepper,


• cream and sugar-


• husband and wife


• each one can stand alone but together they


• make a perfect set-.


• Now I will close with a hug
• Meme

an alphabet blessing----- B*

• I love to read and may even be addicted to reading
• and because of this joy I have books-
• I do not keep too many fiction books other
• than the Jan Kuron series-
• I like the way she writes which makes
• me feel that I am there..
• not just peeking into window
• but in the room.
• I also have a lot of devotional books
• which really help me on when
• I am have an A** day......
• and I have my Bible(s)
• I do enjoy reading different versions
• and some of them explain what some things were/are-
• I need to go through the books again
• and pass some on to the church-
• we have small library there and I
• can always go borrow the book back-
• I think of how so many people have
• not learned to read- even now with
• it mandatory to go the school.
• Television has taking over the books
• and it cannot teach reading and then there
• is the computer but to me,
• there is something special about cuddling up
• in a warm blamket and a book
• Have a wonder filled week end
• and Meme will come back soon
• with another alphabet blessing.
• I will not go in any particuliar order but
• just as words come to mind to tell
• the tale of the blessing.
• Hugs from Meme

Unglazed letter for Monday is U

• it is not quite Monday here but by the time you read this



• it will be because I am trusting that you are all in bed.



• remember this link and join in the fun:



• http://unglazed.blogspot.com/



• **************************



• the letter U tried to stump me but it rained here



• a lot the last few days so I remembered my



• UMBRELLA



• we all have them and some folks even collect umbrellas-


• and umbrellas are not a new invention-


• I see a lot of those pretty Victorian ladies


• often with an umbrella to shade their faces


• from the sun


• and in some places; one can use an umbrella


• to keep the rain off their hair


• but


• in Alberta we have storm rains and we do


• not even try to battle the storm using an umbrella


• we have all tried at least once but with Alberta wind


• the umbrella becomes a version of the old flying machines


• and one could easily take off flying and sometimes
• the umbrella turns in side out and then one has to try
• to reason with the umbrella as it becomes a bucket
• - as our rain


• does not come straight down like in the movies ==


• it comes sideways and back and forth and sometimes


• even up- did you that know rain can bounce??


• but I still love umbrellas as they come in such


• nice shapes and colors- all little girls must have at least


• one umbrella every summer and some of us big girls too.


• most ladies who golf has a least one big umbrella that someone


• holds over the other friends waiting for a the putter to putt.


• and sometimes you see a gentleman struggling to


• keep his lady dry while they are both blowing in the wind.


• I use one in the summer to put over the bird cage


• on sunny days so our bird can enjoy outside life in the shade.


• umbrellas remind me of romance too and I have no


• idea-- maybe because of the old song '' Dancing in the Rain'' which


• we Albertans would like to try if our rain did not come


• down in so fast and hard.
• Have a wonder filled week.......and


• May you be covered by an umbrella of joy today-

an alphabet night B*

• another a blessing in my life is bread


• I did bake bread for us but now with me


• it seems easier to buy bread


• and I found this wonderful whole grain bread


• at a new store in town- the loaf is huge so I


• have to split it in 3 and the good news is that I


• can get the teen - age girl to eat it also-


• it does cost more but when you figure out the weight


• and size it is comparable to the white fluff--


• mama always baked bread and I have never got


• used to the sliced white air bread =


• I know a lot of folks like the idea that bread


• comes sliced and ready to go........but I grew


• up with home made bread that we sliced one


• piece at a time-
  
• daddy taught me how to hold the loaf and slice-


• once winter comes and it will come to Alberta-


• I will bake again and I found some neat small


• bread pans down stairs--( my basement is like a


• thrift store) that I can now use ......again.


• I have the bread machine too but only use


• it for mixing as I love oven baked bread.


• my hands are too arthritic to mix by hand


• so the machine is another blessing.


• as I have been considering my things


• as blessings, I have found that I enjoy


• the never-ever ending care more.


• and I am now sharing some of these blessings


• with others as I no longer need them.


• I do not have a picture of bread tonight
• but I know that each of your homes
• are blessed with daily bread=
• have a wonder filled week end
• hugs from Meme

Thursday Tales

• weather was --cool, clouds with sun hiding and threats of rain


• widow friend came over for tea so I made dinner for us


• just a macaroni hamburger pie and cantaloupe and


• no tea for me but a nice pot for friend-


• Dogman sinned - tried to, no did steal ( is there a less harsh word?-lol)


• my cookies in my book bag-


• I try to nibble whenever I can so I keep cookies(oatmeal )


• in the bag in case I go for a walk and sit a spell


• so now the great debate is that there is crumbs in my bed


• as the bag sits on a small basket at the end of my bed-


• I tend to keep more things in my bed than just me


• but back to the crumbs- sigh


• I shall have to remake the bed because like all good cookies


• there were a few chocolate chips in them


• and chocolate chips never just make crumbs


• so now Dogman is off to his bed


• looking sheepish which is not hard to do with his


• hair which is according to the vet- is called fur -LOL


• the worse part for him was that I was vacuuming when


• I entered the room so he had to bale out and run


• past that machine which he barely tolerates when


• it is not moving---------


• oh, well- dogs will be dogs and he knows that I know


• that he knows better...........


• and Meme will have a fresh bed tonight-

off to make my bed -- sending hugs--- Meme

3 days with out tea

• wow- having a bad tummy sure is tough on addictions
• that is things like tea and coffee and chocolate and.......
• I gave up chocolate quite a few months ago unless
• Miss Ashley tempts me ---:-) and that is not often.
• and coffee and I parted ways many years ago
• and now I have decided to go tea free for 2 weeks
• and see if this will helps and then maybe forever
• depending on the outcome-
• which leaves me drinking water and water and water
• so I fill my little teapot (4cups) twice a day and add
• ice-cubes now and then-
• I do some milk in between.
• It is not so bad giving something up but
• the hard part was ''not'' making the tea
• it was such a in grown habit
• I did have an appointment with my specialist
• for Aug. 30 to make some decisions in regards
• to this problem and the office called yesterday
• and changed it to October 8.
• yes, I did cry as this just seems to be going
• on far too long so I will keep this appointment
• if it is not changed again and also ask for a new
• specialist- this has been going on for 2 years now
• and every appointment made has been redated-
• pray for me to find medical treatment soon
• we know what is wrong but now something
• also needs to be done ........
• I am really lost as how or what to eat
• anymore
• any one interested in Nutcracker Syndrome can
• google it - plus Barrets Disease
• do not take my spelling as correct *
• other wise I am fine-boo hoo
• and alas, no to any of those drinks
• other than the instant breakfasts
• I have to avoid high fat also
• The office did tell me if the pain increases too
• much to go to the city emergency rather
• than our local town as they can get a
• the specialist quicker------(-there are no pain
• meds one can take for this--)
• however I sure would rather have things
• taking care of before an emergency=
• there: I did my tea whine(LOL)
• now I will go drink some more water.
• huggles Meme

ABC Blessings * A

• an old picture of Dogman sun tanning --He was getting ready to help papa hubby weed-whip.
• My brain has gone to alpha-bites--LOL


• and I was thinking off different items in the house


• that are blessings that I see and and yet, some how


• do not see----------


• I enjoyed the letter V unglazed that


• so many of us did yesterday.


• I think everyone had a different V that


• they expressed in writing and pictures.


• I am going to have to work on the letter U


• but for today I will list some A blessings-


• that seem plain and simple but blessings


• are never plain and simple when we


• see them as blessings.


• ----------------


• A is for


• applesauce




• I remember mama making applesauce in the early fall- she used the crab apple


• which by its self can be quite tart and slightly bitter but with a some


• sugar added, it became a nice fruit and dessert -


• we would pour it over toast and then eat our special breakfast


• with a knife and fork. She added a touch of vanilla and a bit of butter


• to the sauce when she took it off the stove.


• Now I buy those little fruit cups in the store-


• where we live they are less expensive than the apple


• and provide me with vitamin C and Dogman loves to


• clean out the near empty cup and pack it around all day-


• I have an unconscious rule to leave just a little


• so he does not work for nothing.LOL
• huggles from Meme and Dogman too.

The Letter V

• here I am and it is still Monday here but I know that I am pushing it..............


• V is sometimes a very very hard letter to ponder on------


• but then I remember that it is one of the main food groups


• VEGETABLES


• alas we in Canada and USA have got away from eating vegetables-


• I remember as a kid that we had vegetables with dinner and supper


• so many different kinds--carrots- turnips- cabbage- squash- peas


• beans- corn-tomatoes and others but these were our main ones


• and we grew all our vegetables- Mama had two gardens - one close


• to the house which was for summer vegetables- and then the big


• garden out in the field where we had our groceries for winter.


• They were both hard work but paid off well each year-


• The gardens were our main source of food and a must-


• there was no corner store or money to buy something we could grow


• mama canned a lot of veggies in the hot month of August-


• on our wood cook stove and then around the end of September


• we all went out to dig the main garden - all the vegetables had to


• be dried well before storage-


• We ate all winter long and enjoyed many foods- including homemade


• pickles-


• Thank God for vegetables - HUGS FROM MEME
• check out this blog for more letter V fun-------http://unglazed.blogspot.com/

Finding the Mary in me..........

• 
  Martha, Martha, thou
• careful and troubled about many things. But one thing is needful; and Mary hath chosen that good part.......Luke 10: 41,42
• --------------confession from Meme---------
• I suffer from busyness- I am always doing something and always have something to do
• and often run out of time to finish everything and fall into bed too tired to do anything
• to tired to do my devotion
• too tired to pray
• too tired to hear His voice
• too tired sometimes to sleep =
• too busy and too tired!
• our daily life can do that to us- we fill our homes with things but things get dirty or used or moved and so we need to take care of things.
• but lately I have no energy to do all the things on the list in my mind
• and I have been burned out for double days now
• and just having to rest and there is no energy left to burn
• and the Lord is reminding me that the blessings He gave to me were never meant
• to become burdens---or a replacement for His friendship=
• I need to find the Mary in me-- I need to sit down and have idle hands
• and a quiet mind- I ask Jesus to come and then I leave Him to sit alone
• in my heart and my house-
• this is a not a new problem for Meme but now it is time for me to begin
• to make changes so that I too can sit at His feet with out a do list in my head.
• I have let the ordinary things of daily life take procedure over the Lord=
• I ask for prayer to begin again as a friend of Jesus who takes the time
• to hear His voice. A friend who will sit and listen- a friend who is glad to have
• His company.
• Forgive me, Lord for my busyness- Teach me to be still - both mind and body-
• Love from Meme

Favorite things

• I think that I will do some blogs
• on favorite things that I enjoy.
• no special order or timing
• but mainly wanting to share
• some of the blessings that the Lord has given to me.
• they are just ordinary things that add joy to my life.
• my electric blanket:
• I am a cold person and this blanket is a warm blessing for me.
• It is a soft light green, polyester, and soft.
• It is the size of afghan so is easy to fold up
• and pack from room to room.
• This blanket and I have shared a lot of naps
• together- it has a timer so Meme does not over cook-
• and this blanket kept papa hubby warm
• when he was a home with cancer-
• It reminds me of how the Lord covers me
• in times of cold and weariness
• His love is soft and warm.
• He covers me with His love.
• and watches over me while I sleep.
• ''Come to me, all you are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.''
• Matthew 11:28 NIV

summer sun

• cool and wet day here so maybe our summer is over
• I have been getting some summer sun
• and also just not doing so great
• I realize that I am going to have to let
• the grief go=====
• as it is now making me sick and tired
• so I am trying to find some new focus in my life
• to take my mind off of--
• missing papa hubby
• Dogman is fine- in and out all day
• but always in by bedtime
• he just sits and watches in case a
• kitty should dare walk the back alley
• I will have to dig some blogs out of my memory
• and see what I can come up with
• have a great week
• huggles from Meme

WHERE IS MEME?

Here I am-------
I took last week off from most things
including the blogs
last week was a nice but bitter sweet time
July 21 was papa David's graduation date for eternal life
July 23 was his earth birthday- he would have been 70
July 25 was his memorial date for his funeral
so it was a week of memories
I did put a ''in loving memory- piece in our local paper
I did it for me to help in healing the tendar scars
I know he is fine and worshipping his Lord
and
we have had a heat wave and
living in Alberta means we do not have air conditioners
as we only need one about 1 week a year...
so I have been getting up early to do chores
and then resting and reading in my room
I do not tolerate sun shine and high temps well
I am not used to it so it saps me dry
but I know winter is coming- again so I
appreciate the hot days now
blessings to you all and I will be back in gear asap
HUGGLES FROM MEME

sunshine and clouds....

We got our rain and brother farmer says that he got enough - we have no puddles hanging around as we were so dry--------we did not get some of the thunder and lightening that other areas did- we have had storms pass over today but no more rain.Papa hubby's friend stopped by to help me clean out the old trailer which will be going to the dump- we were using as a storage shed but now it have lived it's day and needs to go out to pasture. We did have fun trying to guess what some of papa's plans were in regards to some of the items.We do make plans and we do have hope and we do not think about the day when the Lord calls us home. We need to be ready for that day- because it is quicker than a wink- and there are no do-overs.When we were told that papa hubby had terminal cancer in stage 4 plus we both remembered God's promise in John 3:16. We were prepared and so all papa hubby had to do was hang for the ride. And it was quite a ride for both us. It was the best times and worst of times.I remember so well my David's last morning and laying beside him thinking how will I know when he goes with the Lord and I remember the sweet presence of the Lord in the room and how there were no words left for us to say.I kissed him good bye as I was going home to change clothes(I would walk the 4 blocks home - change and return ) and he moved his cheeks as he had no energy to speak. I always laid my head on his chest and would say pitter patter pooh- I love you. I got ready to leave (which was only a minute in our time)and went back to kiss him good bye again and when I laid my head on his shoulder he had already slipped away - He was calm and peaceful and silent and I am so glad the Lord gave us that gift together alone. We did not have to say good-bye.I do miss him but I would not ask the Lord to bring him back to this earthy world where sin has entered in and where stuff turns to dust and rust. Missing him is worth it because I have the joy of knowing where he is and who he is with.

huggles me, Meme who according to her spell check as made no mistakes--LOL but the punctuation is

the picture is the tornado that touched down about 24 miles north of Meme

Rain....

It is raining here today which is what we need--and so our rain is an answer to prayer.God's blessing helps the earth grow our food and keeps us continually blessed. So often, we want to have only the sun-shinebut if there are no storms we would not see our rainbows.I feel like I am in midst of another storm right now as time is getting closer to the one year that my dear hubby has been gone- It seems like only yesterday that I held him in my arms and sang the song telling us that Jesus loved him. He loved Jesus too and had a personal faith that comforted him as he walked in the valley of death. Death came but could not steal him as his death was his victory in Jesus.I know that the sun will shine in my heart again and that the rain will help me grow- and I will see the rainbows again.

please pray that as I seek His comfort that I will remember that I do not walk alone and there is sunshine after the rain.
huggles me, Meme

thinking my way out....

it has been a rough month for me-
missing the papa man so much
part of this is that Miss Ashley is gone so much now
and that is how it should be.......
I do not want her to have to baby sit Meme
I want her to have a fun time in this part of her life
there is still some growing to do
and you can be grown up for a long time
once all is said and done-
my widow friend of three years came
for tea day and she assured me that
I am being normal considering the
circumstances but boy normal
sure can hurt......
the days seem so long and then there are the nights
the hardest part of day is shutting off the lights
around the house-
I am keeping my faith and following
my Shepherd---
I need to finish a few small business things
and then it will be just me.
I know that God is in control and I
try very hard not to question Him about
His plans---
I am glad June is over....last June was the heavy
month on the cancer journey ----it was
all the endings of what dear papa hubby
was able to do......it was the worst of times
Tomorrow is new day and a new month
I will carry on.......
hugs from Meme

a Meme note

I have been off doing things and forgetting to blog. On Thursday, Dogman had his spring cleaning and got his hair cut and his nails done- Miss Ashley and I walked him down town and then did this and that while he was busy-- then I walked him home again which translated means he walked me home.
I did something on Friday but my mind as forgot- but I do know that I was out for my walk. I try to walk some where everyday when the weather is nice.
Yesterday I walked down and checked out our new drugstore which actually sells groceries also. That really amazed me- to find a milk isle in the drug store- it is big and seems very nice. I found some honey and bread and so Dogman and I had toast and honey today. It is closer for me to walk too than the regular grocery store so will be nice in the winter- some things are higher priced and some are not. I will go to both depending on the weather and what I need.
It took me nearly a year to get to the point of walking down town without dear papa- I was so used to him being with me that I did not even know how to put the money in the cart slot to get a cart- here most of the stores have carts but you have to pay up first and then once you are done and put the cart back in the proper area- your money comes back to you.
Our first father's day with out papa here on earth but he had his first father's day with his Lord. He has been a father for 50 years now. I miss him and yet, I cannot ask for more of him from the Lord. David is at peace now with no pain or sorrow-- his kids gave him much sorrow because of drugs- he does not have to look and hope and pray for them anymore- that has been passed to me- sigh--My step daughter called last night- she has not called since the funeral day- she was too ashamed as she had gone back on cocaine- sigh- she said she is off right now- pray - please- I do not want to be around anyone who is into drugs and I am not interested in rehabilitating anyone either. We did try that and it did not work but I can still love her and pray-
Must go as I did say this was a short note--LOL
double hugs for all my friends- from Meme

a short note

I am not lost but just trying to do what I can- here is a short Meme note
and I will be back soon.

****************
-I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-

plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do. yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years.
my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.

and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.

huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.

Silent Sounds

most days now my house is silent-
and as I listen.....
I can hear the silence.
I no longer hear the sounds of two
hearts beating together.
I remember the last days with papa hubby
and how I would lean against his chest
to hear the pitter patter of his heart.
it was the sound of hope.....
it was the last sound I heard papa speak
and then last time I listened
all I heard was the sound of silence.
He had left this world as quiet as
the angels who came to take him home.
I hear that silent sound now..........
and I miss his sounds......
and yet, I feel the sounds in my heart
and I know that on the day that
the sound of silence came to me
that the bells in heaven rang.
huggles me, Meme

When the time is right...

my bedroom is looking pretty cozy and meme like
there are many things in here that papa hubby gave me
and also things that we shared together...
papa was a tool man so he seldom had a lot of
his things in here- our closets are too small to
fit both on us in---so he used the spare room closet
and I used my/our room for my clothes-
the sweaters we shared were in his closet
so the closet did not require any changes-
I found one of his tools called a plainer(sp)
which is hand held and small so I am using it for
a book end. I like it as he used it often while
making his canes......so lots of DNA
I can still only do so much at a time and
only deal with certain things yet.
But I am moving forward step by step
because I know that is what papa hubby
asked me to do. He was very strong spoken that
the things he left behind are of this world
and that I am to take care of myself.
Because of my health I know that this house
is too much for me to deal with and that
I will have to move in a couple of years.
I know that I need to start the steps......
in order to be able to complete this
before I have to leave here.
It is sad to know that I will be letting
our home go but it is also exciting to know
that I can make a new home for Meme.
It takes time to remove the detachments of papa
hubby's things because it is hard to remind me
that these are now my things and if I keep them all
I am the one responsible.
The wonderful thing is that papa is not missing
his things- or noticing his things going- or wants his things to
be kept for him. I know that he has his treasures in heaven
from Jesus- no pain- no suffering- no tears- no sadness
and he is not alone- He is with his Lord and Savior who
taught us all to not store our treasures on earth
for they will rust and turn to dust.
God's treasures are eternal.
God will give me and you strength to do
what needs to be done when the time is right.
God is our time keeper.
Wait for the Lord..........Psalm 27:14

that dear granddaughter

yesterday the grand daughter was off to see family on her birth
dad's side--sometimes I get confused so I do wonder how she keeps
every one in her mind.
she came home before mid night which means Oma was still
up and had not turned into a pumpkin--LOL.
now for some reason she kept tempting me away from
my room - but I kept coming back-
and she kept tempting me with things she needed or needed done
and as it was getting closer to midnight-
Oma finally fell for the
maid for a minute or two........
.Oma knows when to give up....in...over...
so off I went to do maid duty and
suddenly I hear strange noises in my room and as
noises are generally not found in my room and
as I have completed the maid for a minute job.....
(which took more minutes than I planned )
I return to discover my grand daughter standing
on a stool in a rather strange position
and in some danger according to Oma-- but I
look up to see that she had put some words
on my wall - all in fancy letters- first
done on a special machine and then put on
where ever one wants them to go and
well no, Oma did not cry......
I saved the tears for later......because this is what the words
say.....
JESUS LOVES YOU
GOD BLESS YOU
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING
LOVE PAPA
these were the words that papa hubby always
closed the day with ......either tucking g'kids into bed
or going to his bed at night,
even the cancer could not take all the words
from him as he would struggle for breath
to finish.......
She has them displayed so that when I lay
down at night or wake up in the morning
I will see the words from his heart.
God bless my Miss Ashley

clearing out the bedroom...

I got a lot of things done today because we have rain that is also snow at times so it was not fit day for man or beast to go outside. I did clear out at least 50 things since I started to sort out the bedroom..I just put down check marks as I do not want to get bogged down with lists. I know myself too well- some is gone, some things went to where they really belonged, and some is going to be giving away as soon as I get a good day for travel. The main thing is that it has all left my bedroom.

I have some of my things, some of our things and a few things of papa hubby's for decor.I am a not matchie-pooh lady so if it is something that brings me joy I have it in here.I fixed up the DVD player so I can relax and watch my/our favorite DVDs- (( I set it up all by myself and it works). I still think in terms of ''ours'' often.

It is still half bed-room and half-office. Office really means where I have my laptop and is where I write notes to my friends. I do the bills out in the dining room. I call it office only to feel more official. (smile)

My bedroom is now peaceful and filled with memories of me and we. There are special moments when I think- here I am, and I feel joy again. And even though- life is not fair and often hard I have made a place where I can have moments of peace. Moments where I can just 'be me.''

Because of the grief there has not been a lot of room for emotional baggage to stay. Cancer has a way of changing one's ambitions and priorities. For me, the only real things that matter now is to love and to notice and value the small moments of joy in my life. Things like the sunbeams on my kitchen floor, a walk to no where, my dog's tail wagging, smiling at strangers before they smile at me..........
I have learned with a deep awareness to find the things that really matter now.I have the need to learn and to grow, and to be all of who I am/ was meant to be.
And as I share my blanket of memories with friends and ''you'', my prayer is that you will be blessed.

hugs from Meme

Meme's content day........

I had a content day here both in body and mind-
I think I was just happy to be at the end of all the tests
and appointments and with results that I can live with..
I have been sick for over 2 years now and so
glad that the Lord gave me manna strength to take
care of dear papa
I did some amazing things with and for him
things that I could have never done on my own...
God is good.
I am not stressed with the medical results.
I got groceries today and it was book club -
last one until September
I did not finish the last book as it had
too many things in it that I do not believe-
and things against God's word.
one of our questions today was ??
what do we think heaven is like....
and my answer was that I know that it will
be a wonderful place because Jesus will be there.
I did not answer a lot of the questions
but when someone said that none of us know
about heaven so it is really up to our imagination
I did say that I know what God's
promises are re heaven and the place He is preparing
for me/us-- I was very careful to word the statement
as a witness as all the ladies do not think
that whole Bible is true- sigh-
it was a tough meeting as sometimes
I felt very disregarded for my belief and faith
but honored that I was free to speak..
but I know that what God says-God does.
we did have giggles too and I am praying
for those ladies to find the true Jesus.
I am sad that the world is rejecting
God and his promises--
Anne Frank said these words..
I DON'T THINK OF ALL THE MISERY, BUT OF ALL THE BEAUTY
THAT STILL REMAINS.
Let us keep an eye out for His beauty.
hugs from Meme

and the doctor said...

Finally got the to see the doctor re my tummy and this is my story--ignore any thing that mentions cancer as I am ok there- however I do not know how to delete all the info and still make sense--

1. Barrett's Esophagus Barrett's esophagus. Barrett's esophagus (BE) leads to abnormal changes in the cells of the esophagus.About 10% of patients with symptomatic GERD have BE. In some cases, BE develops as an advanced stage of erosive esophagitis. While obesity, alcohol use, and smoking have all been implicated as risk factors for Barrett's esophagus, their role remains unclear. Only the persistence of GERD symptoms indicates a higher risk for BE.Not all patients with BE have either esophagitis or symptoms of GERD. In fact, studies suggest that more than half of people with BE have no GERD symptoms at all. BE, then, is likely to be much more prevalent and probably less harmful than is currently believed.. When BE patients develop abnormalities of the mucus membrane cells lining the esophagus (dysplasia), the risk of cancer rises significantly. There is some evidence that acid reflux may contribute to the development of cancer in BE.2. plus...this is the second problem most likely due to the first problem--dysphagiaIf the esophagus becomes severely injured over time, narrowed regions called strictures can develop, which may impair swallowing (a condition known as dysphagia). Stretching procedures or surgery may be required to restore normal swallowing. Strictures may actually prevent other GERD symptoms, by stopping acid from traveling up the esophagus. I also have neurogical problems in the muscles of the esophagus and this also has too be watch closely in case I lost my breath as I need these muscles to work when I breath-- It has a name too but I lost it some where in my head-3. a H. hernia about 1 inch----there is things that could be done but I told him that I am just not emotionally or physically well enough to make any decisions right now and so I will see him again on September 3 where he will explain my options. He also gave me a new prescription that should help some. My option right now is to ask for prayer. I would like to spend a joyful summer eating and with no pain. I am too thin now and need to build up my strength-- the reason I am so tired is that I am not getting enough calories due to my high metabolism and severe tummy problems .and that is my story- and I will be back soon with another tale.

-hugs from Meme who so appreciates her friends and the prayers

PAPA'S DRIVEWAY

When we first moved into this house our backyard where we parked was a muddy weed mixed with grass bog. Every time it rained we had to walk through or around puddles to get to the car. The kids always had dirty socks and fun playing in the puddles. And every winter was a night mare to get out of the yard.
We did not have the money to spend on fixing a drive way as there were always other needs. About ten years ago, papa decided that he wanted to fix the drive way so that we could get in and out with more ease and also escape the mud. We had no money so papa went to our local gravel yard with his truck and started bringing gravel home. They had a special pile of crushed gravel that was free if you loaded it yourself. He loaded it by shovel and unloaded and we needed many loads as we only had a half-ton and a big space to fill. Once he got the gravel here- he then unloaded it by hand and started to make our drive-way.-
It was hard work as he not only trucked in the gravel for the driveway, unloaded it but he also packed the gravel by hand. We could not afford to rent a packer. He made a special packer from his imagination that worked well so that our drive way was compact. He made the driveway wide enough for 2 vehicles plus wide path ways and brought it right to the balcony so we had no puddles to wade through.-
Because gravel settles into the mud he had to do this 3 times that summer and then the next summer he repeated the whole process twice. He was a hard worker and did all this in his spare time. He continued to add more gravel for two more summers and pack it by hand until he had the perfect driveway for our truck and car.
All his neighbors were amazed that one man would and could do all that work by hand. Every year a few weeds sneak in trying to grow in the gravel and papa would go after them with his weed killer.This year the weeds came again- not a lot but enough to annoy me and also if they are let go our drive way will become a weed garden and I was not willing to see that happen.
Today I went out and dug out all the weeds by hand-- I do not know how to operate papa's weed pump and so I simply dug them out with a meat fork so that I could also get the roots. I filled a 5 gallon pail packed with the weeds.It was a hard job kneeling on the gravel but it felt so good- I had such peace and joy to be doing something to honor papa hubby by keeping his drive way up to speed. I felt his joy of when he made the driveway.
His joy was/is my joy.

hugs from Meme

A WONDER DAY......

• 
  I had a wonderful birthday yesterday.
  both daughters called---
  my brother called me and I received
  many many emails and I know a snail mail
  is coming soon too---
  and friends brought us over supper
  and although they could not stay
  for supper they had time for a visit-
  so it was a very good day for Meme
  I was blessed to write the ''Birthday Story''.
  even though it was bittersweet
  it was a day I wanted to share-
  as my gift to you.
  last year this time there was no time
  to write the story and the timing was not right.
  weather wise we had rain and sleet and snow and gray skies
  and then after supper a blue sky with some sunshine-and -clouds.
  it reminded me of this new journey-----
  that I am on.....we got through the weather yesterday
  and I will get through this journey -
  blue skies peeking through among the gray-
  sometimes rain and sometimes sun.
  all the things I need to grow.
  now Meme has overdone for her age-
  and I need to have an early rest tonight.
  Thank you for the wonderful greetings and
  for your gifts of prayer and encouragement
  that you have blessed me with this last year.
  hugs from Meme

A BIRTHDAY STORY

• last year this time was my big 60 birthday
• papa hubby had been looking forward to this date
• since the day I turned 59 as he liked the fact
• that we would be in the same decade--LOL
• both in our sixties- this only happened for a year
• and a bit as he was nearly 9 years older than me
• but of course - last year was our cancer journey
• and his plans had to go on hold........
• but papa was not one to be defeated by cancer
• when he made plans he made plans --
• = so he talked to the pastor
• and with ease- convinced the pastor to have
• a cake at the church for me----the pastor had
• to tell me a few days ahead of time as there
• was no guarantee that papa would have the strength
• to go to church that day---so it was decided that
• I would go----with out him and Miss Ashley would
• stay with papa-----but papa hubby was determined
• to go and so Bonnie and I took him but late so that
• he would have enough strength ---to last an hour or two-
• we took him there with great care- and parked as
• close to the front door we could so he did not have
• to walk one step more than was needed-
• he was very weak by then and taking a small step
• was hard work ........
• we got there and the deacons were waiting for him
• and me and they helped him into the sanctuary
• and because the pastor knew papa and I had
• to come late to conserve his energy
• he gave papa hubby a nice welcome as
• papa had not been able to go since April
• our church is small enough to do that
• and every one knew papa hubby and his journey-
• after the service we had cake in the main foyer
• and we put papa hubby on a chair
• everyone came to see him and shake his hand
• he was so blessed
• and it was a ''good bye'' time for him
• and his friends
• yes, it was my birthday and we ate cake too
• but the day was really a honoring of David
• we knew that there would be no more
• Sunday outings for him as he could
• barely walk- and sitting required too much
• energy
• and he got to see his two daughters in church
• as the Ashley invited them too
• and we all stood there around papa hubby
• some one bought me flowers to add
• to papa's special cake
• it was a nice time and not long
• as we/they knew papa was too weak
• we brought him home and
• he was so tired but happy
• happy to give me a surprise and
• happy to see his friends again
• happy that his plans happened-
• we both knew it was his last time
• we knew that he could not walk much longer
• his legs were like stove pipes( that is what the doctors call them
• and his tummy
• make him look pregnant as his body grew a water blister
• around his cancer thinking to protect it from
• the foreign body-(cancer does this to some patients)
• also
• he was going through
• his chemo side effects but God gave him the strength
• to go one more time -
• looking back is bittersweet - but with thanksgiving
• it is a birthday I will always remember-
• his family all together and his church friends
• shaking his hand and hugs and kisses
• and praying for him and with him
• it was a wonderful moment in time
• that will always be in my heart
• so that is my birthday story
• and now today is another birthday
• a new year for me...
• and I am learning to live with out papa David
• to celebrate the moments-
• to count my blessings and
• not the candles-
• and to share the memories
• that I hold in my heart.
• hugs from Meme

snow party

• alas it snowed here in sunny Alberta today--
• about 2 inches and stayed --
• we have had a late spring and a long winter
• I was watching the snow flakes fall
• a slow snow falling- just taking its time
• to get to the ground and then staying
• where it landed-----
• it reminded me to slow down too
• that time does pass about as fast as we run
• and that it is ok to stand at the window--
• past the middle of May and watch the snow fall
• we have a white world out in our yard with some
• green peeking through and the sunshine tomorrow
• will turn it into water for our land--
• and there were other moments for me today
• besides just the snow
• and I took them as they came
• watching Miss Ashley vegetate on the couch
• Dogman jumping with joy
• because she got up and gave him a treat
• looking at the planters that we had to bring in
• just watching the seeds grow
• finishing a good book
• eating cheezies in/on my bed
• learning about food on the food channel-LOL
• there were sad moments too
• and forgotten moments remembered
• and when I think of papa hubby
• I remember how he found joy in doing moments
• and going moments-
• and his coming home moments
• he loved to go on adventures but he
• loved to come home again
• take your moments - as they come
• enjoy the them and tuck them away
• for another day when you need to hide
• in the moment--
• because even the stormy moments
• can become sunshine moments
• if we treasure the sparkles---------
• hugs from Meme

A WILD RIDE,,

neither Miss Ashley and I can drive but we have papa hubby's car which I gave to Ashley- we have to start it now and then and so we sat in it today with Dogman and listened to the tape that papa had in the tape deck- it was the old country music and yodeling by a lady singer that papa enjoyed- we turned it up high and then Ashley backed the car up to the end of the drive way and then parked it again- LOLwe had such fun making a memory and sharing memories-Dogman enjoyed the ride too...and I am sure the neighbors are in grief now watching and listening to us--the tape has sat in there for two winters now and played as good as new-
hugs from Meme

end of the week

times seems to fly by when one is not feeling well
but I did accomplish a lot of little things this week
ran into things of papa hubby's again
and it always a hard decision to decide
what to do with his things-
do I toss it?
do I keep it?
do I sell it?
do I give it away?
and I find things of mine too
but the decision is easier
because it does not hold old memories
Papa always had a vision
to use what ever he kept
some day was a day of the week
to papa--LOL
and he did make some great things.....
he just had that kind of imagination.......
I have started my crocheting again
found the crochet cotton I forgot I had..
this is a nice red - and - I am just doing
a granny square table cloth--it will be about
33 by 33 as that fits my table
that I want to put it one...
it is a little over half done and I will have enough
to do one more- and I plan to use it(them)
in any season as Christmas is all year
in my heart...the next one I make I
will attempt a pattern but my
right side brain is not working with
the left side yet...
grief not only steals your joy many days
but it also steals your rememberer--
I discovered today that I am one day
younger than I thought--LOL
I thought my birthday was this coming Monday
but it is really this coming Tuesday-
I will write a birthday tale from last year
on my birthday-----
stay tuned because it is a good story
that I have not told yet--
Meme must go now
and I will be back-
big canadian hugs from Meme

widow thoughts

I am restless tonight and just thinking about
the way we were and wondering how to be a widow!?
I was raised to be a wife-
and although we talked about one of us
leaving first
it was always a some day conversation
about when ever that would happen
it was in the future but it was not reality
we made our wills to take care of each other
but it was a some day thought
and now some day came and went
and I am here and papa hubby is not
the hardest thing to do is to take his name off of things
some things I can leave for now - and
it is unreal to walk downtown with his
death certificate in my purse
I only carry it if I have too and I
simply cannot read it--sigh--
he made sure that I would be left ok
and that nothing would be in my way
as I follow this track on
a new journey but alone
my heart rejoices that he is with the Lord
and that the Lord knew best
but my heart just hurts
I had a fear that I might not remember him
every day- that some how I might forget how we were
and then I read another widow's journey
and realized that God will keep papa hubby's
memories in my heart
God will keep me safe in the love that we had
because love is stronger than death
hugs from Meme

jammie day

Meme had a jammie day which is another way of saying I did not
want to get all dressed up with no place to go----
every once and a while and some times more often
I just putter about doing the chores in my jammies
they are quite cosy and comfortable and respectable too
I had planned on having a do nothing day until
I made the mistake of entering the doom room
which translated is the room where Miss Ashley resides
I decided to check under the clothes and see if the rug
was still there and then I did the Oma thing
Oma-s can do these things that mothers should never do
I did her laundry- as a gift to her
she was sad today and went to work sad
due to some family issues and because it is better
for Oma- to say less sometimes I decided to give
her the gift of clean laundry---
I also freshened her blankets by tossing them into
the dryer with that vanilla smell she so loves-
the things that made her sad did work out partly
but not enough to heal her hurts
and we just have to continue to pray
for her and them - she comes from a split home
back ground and is often stuck in the middle
of problems which belong to others who should know better-
I do not do these things for her
often but I felt that it was a
cheerio that she needed at this time
--she was still quite emotionally needy tonight
but has settled now in her clean bed
and oh yes, the rug is still there--LOL-
pray for her heart to be healed as she has
been broken for so long
hugs from Meme

MEME SKIPPING

Meme IS skipping.....
alas- not exercising but skipping the Internet
my hours seem to be short this last week or two
and it is not the weather of spring yet
we have had some snow nearly every day
so our spring chores are delayed
and I am not accomplishing a lot but I
am content to do next to nothing
for a while
on Tuesday I stayed in jammies and bed with tea and crackers
and the dog and had a nice rest
napped and channel changed=
it was of good of papa hubby to leave the remote here--LOL
I am feeling like the stone of grief has moved from my heart
and although the grief is there I can see light -
I laugh more now and I am seeing pieces of Meme
coming back.....I know that papa hubby would want that
his name is no longer on the member list at church because
he moved on--
that was a big step for me to realize that he has no earthly
cares and pain and grief- and he left so much joy behind
plus a lot wood and rocks and saws and tools and magazines
and his model cars and so on and so on
and precious memories-
I was thinking of one tale
tonight which I will share soon and
we can laugh together=
How good God is............
sharing a unknown author's thoughts

''the Lord is my shepherd,
my Father and friend
He comforts me in loneliness
His kindness knows no end-
He fills my home with memories
and quiet thoughts to keep,
He fills my heart with hope
and joy and peace...
as I face the world again --
hugs from Meme

A NEW WEEK

• I have had a good week
• keeping my peace with hope
• but peace is not with out sorrow
• I went up stairs this week and began
• to take papa hubby's world on earth
• apart-
• this is difficult as he was such a hobby man
• wood work - hockey cards- comic books- rocks
• and anything else that took up his time
• plus a lot of etc. :-)
• he enjoyed these things and also was a keeper
• and it is difficult to sort through his treasures
• and decide what to toss and what to keep and
• what to give away-
• He made beautiful diamond willow walking sticks
• and canes from scratch- he cut the trees -dried them
• and peeled the bark and etc- it is quite an interesting
• hobby and requires hard work and patience--
• the cancer came so fast and so hard that he
• never had the time to organize or clean up his things
• and he fussed about that but I assured that all
• was well and that I could do it for him later
• it is later now and he no longer has need of
• his earth treasures but I am glad that he had them
• he used to drink in bars and was a bit on the wild side
• and then in 1972 he came home and said that he
• was not going to drink anymore as he could see how it
• was hurting me and he never did!!
• he just quit and asked
• God to replace his alcohol with something else and
• God did and He gave papa hubby a love for nature -
• He could find pictures in rocks and wood-
• He make rings and things with the rocks after
• he cut them and polished them and
• he just knew how to pick out the art of God
• so now as I go through his things I find treasures too
• a lot I will give to family members- no matter the value
• things are things on earth and heaven is coming
• I think of being on this side of heaven and papa
• hubby is on the other side and our love
• is eternal-
• what a wonderful thing to know the plans that
• God has for each us-
• hugs from Meme

checking in....

I am getting behind on bloggingbut I have been enjoying the fresh air and sunshine.
I am doing ok
I did not think I would ever be ok again but I am......
.the grief is quiet for now.
I remember when our kids were little and how at the age of two they would want to be to independent but every once in a while they would suddenly cling
to us even if they knew we were just leaving the room
and would return.....
and trying to untangle a two year old who has decidedto hang on to a leg was no small feat--
- and I remember how I would bend down and pick them up and hold them and reassure them that mama loved them and would not go away -
and that is how this grief is----
I know Jesus is with me
but sometimes I have to just hang on to Him for dear life
as if He was going to leave the room with out me and He
does bend down and pick me up and hold me and love me and reassure me-
that He is my comforter and shepherd
and we will go or not go together.........
.He loves me and you......
and that is enough for me-
have a wonder week and I will try to report in with a tale or two--
hugs from Meme

Because I love him.......

this morning I was having one of those "" why""" moments
why God?
why papa hubby?
why me?
and then I heard that small quiet voice
that we all can hear when we listen with our heart
""BECAUSE I LOVE HIM
BECAUSE HE IS MINE
HE IS MY BELOVED""
and then I knew that all the crys
of my heart have been answered
that God was in control
that God was right
and that God so loved papa David
that He gave his beloved and only son so
that David did not perish but has everlasting life-
and this afternoon I was sitting on the balcony
with Dogman on his loveseat (yes, Dogman has
his own loveseat outside too)
and the sun was shining on us
and the breeze was warm
and the world was silent
and all was well with my soul.
I had peace beyond understanding
He is my shelter from the storm-
hugs from Meme

the Sliver

today Miss Ashley got a sliver in her hand-(she is dear grand daughter-19- who lives full time with Oma now due to family issues )
Now papa hubby was the doctor hug in our house- he dealt with the blood and bruises and slivers and the tears- Oma was back up...........
Miss Ashley broke down and cried and cried for her papa - she would not let Oma help except to listen - she needed papa- I got her supplies- needle and tweezers and kleenex
she did get it out on her own with many tears- it was not the pain of the sliver that made tears but that papa was not there to do it or comfort her........but I am so proud of her as she worked both the sliver and the tears out-
it is important for her to cry also - she was a blessing to her papa in his cancer journey
she was here for him from the first day and did not shy away from helping him- she even cut his hair for him and lifted him in bed for comfort and the last night before his home
coming she held his eyes open for his to see- his muscles were too weak - she just knew what to do and he would always thank her - she knew he wanted to see us and she knew how long to hold them open and then let them rest- it gave papa a rather surprised look and we all had a memory making laugh-
the nurses were surprised that a teen age girl would spend so much time with him and do careful caring things for him- she taught them a lot about love .........
so you- see- the sliver was more than a sliver- it was a memory -
she is fine now and we both talked about papa being safe from slivers in his eternal life-
huggles from Meme who is still learning.....

grief thoughts......

I thought that I could manage my grief by this time- but thoughts of mine
are not the Lords-
His thoughts and plans are good for me and my future
and so He guides me in the grief-
I do not know where I am at except past the
beginning -
I thought I could run away from the grief and I thought I could
walk alone in the grief- but I can do neither
I had a opinion that some how grief effected my relationship or walk
with the Lord- I thought that I should have it all together by now but I
did not trust in Lord's timing........
I can say that the grief is less painful and more joyful.
I know- it is hard to understand this joy.........but as I miss the world
that I had - I see a new world opening for me- a world with out papa hubby
but a world with memories of him as husband- father- papa -
Papa hubby has gone to his new home and the Lord is preparing a place
for me also but until He takes me home
I must put my trust in Him and follow what ever path He leads me on-
I believe that grief will always be a part of my/our walk because grief is
a result of love-
so some days I will come with tears and some days I will come
with laughter
but my friends- I will come because I cannot walk this journey
alone and I know that the Lord is leading to touch the hearts of
others - friends are gifts from God
and while I am talking and walking my/our
Lord is my shepherd
He will not leave me alone
and He will not leave you alone
hugs from Meme

The Me in We......

I realize that I have not told you a lot of things
about me as my mind is still caught in the grief -

so here is a bit of this and that's
I was raised on a farm - with one brother
my father was a homesteader and born
on his father's homestead in 1910 ( grandpa came from Sweden)
mother was also a homesteader's daughter(grandpa came from Scotland)
they lived about 3 miles a part -
brother has the original homestead now -just over 100 years old
the farm that is ..not brother Bill-LOL
we did not have running water- unless we ran and got it
or indoor plumbing of any kind
the old out house is still standing
and father and mother build a modern house in 1970
our heat was wood cut from the homestead trees
dried for a year and then sawed into logs for the heater
and split for the kitchen cook stove.-

coming to town was quite an experience for me
to have bath tubs and taps and a stove
that turned on with buttons.-

I was raised to be a wife........
and married at what would be considered now
as young but was normal in my life.
I was 18 and papa hubby was 27 -
he was never considered too old for me--LOL
that was how life was in the fifties and sixties
we had 2 daughters- Bonita and Tammy
I worked part time but only jobs that I was able
to do when papa hubby was home so our
kids were not baby sat often........ -

I took an rehabilitation practitioner course
and worked for 15 years at a group home
this was during a time when hubby was injured
with his back and had 6 back fusions --
sadly none of them helped and he was
disabled the last 12 years but still very independent
we spent most of our time together--
when one or the other was not working...

we did not ever become rich in money
but we were rich in love........
we both gave our hearts to the Lord in 1987
and began our walk with the our Shepherd..
I, from watching Billy Graham and papa hubby
at the little pentecostal church I made him go too-
that is a funny story but I was scared to go
as I had heard so many strange stories
and when we got there- we discovered a lot of
normal folks went there too-LOL
we were so blessed by God in that church
but sadly it broke down when our pastor retired
and many members left -
because we took our grand kids to church and
we needed one with a Sunday School.. so
we found a new church for them- Papa hubby
took grand kids to church for 18 years- and
I am so glad we/he did........we/I attend a church of the
Nazarene now - at papa hubby's memorial service
our dear pentecostal pastor was there for us too --

you will get to notice other things about me as
I write here- I am more of an introvert and
I will be 61 in May and I don't feel a day over 60 (grin)
I clean our church to help my income now that hubby is gone--

I love the Lord and I am so thankful for what He has done for me
I hang on to my hope--as -- I miss my papa hubby
whose name was David Allan- and I know that he
is indeed in peace with no pain or sickness or disabilities
huggles from Meme
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD!!!!!
>

Clearing out

• this year's spring cleaning is really a clearing out
• it is hard to imagine how many things a couple
• will hang on to and now that I am alone
• the things- have less meaning
• so I have been busy clearing out =
• papa hubby was a keeper of things
• and he often kept them in various places
• so I run into things all the time
• some times it is a good find
• like yesterday finding a special silver dollar
• from the royal canadian mint- 2006
• complete in case and unopened
• made of fine silver
• it is to celebrate something but I
• can not guess what and I do not want to dig
• it out of the case right now - need gloves for that
• that was papa hubby's rule--LOL
• then to day I found that we paid all our household
• bills in 2000 - so I shredded them with no gloves
• I found a quote also but with no author
• I will share it with you as I think that it
• applies well to my new life
• LORD, PLEASE GIVE ME COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO WALK ALONE, SO I MAY TURN EACH STUMBLING BLOCK INTO A STEPPING STONE.
• I am doing that as I move in this journey- some days I stand still--
• some days I fall down- some days I get up and some days I take a step
• but I always stay with my SHEPHERD-
• I will continue to clear out as I move along this journey
• have a wonder filled day tomorrow
• and pause for a moment to tell someone
• you love- that you love them and give them
• a meme hug
• huggles from Meme

HOT PINK MEME

I have been having problems with my shoulders and the doctor told me to buy sports bras-
not because I was blessed with anything to put in the bra but because they have better shoulder straps-
and support more than just boobs-( he did not quite say it in those words but........wink)
so the other day I found some on sale and decided to try one- now I am rather on the conservative side of life and most of my bras are white- plus one black one just in case-
well- these sports bras are not white- just black or navy or hot pink - glow in the dark pink-
so of course- Meme chose the black and only one as I wanted to see how well it would help-
and they do work- no digging in straps or those annoying hooks at the back- that you have to do a trick just to get it together-
even better for my back muscles....
.so Meme says- well- if one is good - then two are better - so I can always wear one- while one is in the laundry--
now my mind just went wild as we were entering the store and I said to Miss Ashley- if they have the hot pink one in my size--- I am getting it- of course- I felt sure that the one and only hot pink bra would be gone so I could speak with calm assurance- and shock Ashley a little bit too......

.ha- it was still there and my size and yes- it is now in my house- it is the best goodie thing I have done for myself since papa hubby left- and he would have died laughing--
-he liked my colorful socks and my red shoes that are from the wizard of oz-
Miss Ashley is still LOL and quite impressed that I could be so bold=
so now I have a black one and a dark navy one and a HOT PINKONE----
-and if the fellows read this- you now know what I think of those horrid bras that make us like houdini to get into and out of-
hugs from Meme

Coffee with Papa

• before papa hubby became sick in December of 200
• we would have a special coffee time
• together each day- French vanilla instant cappuccino-
• it was sort of like a date-
• it was a nice time of day for us to just share this and that--
• after he came home from the hospital with cancer
• we still had our coffee once a day-
• papa David was not able to drink the whole cup anymore but he loved
• the bubbles (foam) and I would share my bubbles with him-
• even his last few days he was able to have his bubbles
• but unable to drink the coffee
• as he had difficulty swallowing.
• after he passed away when I went to the store they were out
• of our coffee---
• there were other brands but this was the special brand that
• he and I enjoyed together
• it has been out of stock since last Augest-
• and today when I was with Ashley we found some-
• yes- the same brand and the same price :-)
• I came home and it was so nice to sit down and enjoy
• a cup of our coffee and also tell Ashley the bubble story
• it was a happy memory and I enjoyed the coffee
• and even though, he is not here to share the bubbles
• I had a blessing in the heart-

standing still

• I am at a place in my grief where I am standing still
• I am waiting on the Lord to show me what way to go
• I am beyond the pain of
• missing papa hubby and I am
• letting go of needing him
• but letting
• go is difficult so that is why I am standing still
• waiting for my Shepherd to lead me
• I can let go of papa's personal things
• because I know he is healed-
• no more glasses and no more
• back braces
• no more clothes-
• or canes or shoes or walkers -----
• no more pills or pic lines or chemo
• or morphine bags attached to his frail body
• no more cancer-
• no more carrying hime
• no more not walking
• no more anything because
• papa hubby is healed-
• my heart is still broken and I know that the Lord
• will mend me- and although cracks will remain
• I will be used by Him
• I need restoration and I know that He will
• restore me-
• the Lord is my hope
• the Lord is my shepherd
• who now he has his friend ''papa''
• and He has made him whole
• hugs from Meme
  

Meme is feeling lost..

• the last few days I have felt so lost and beyond lonely
• I find it hard to make decisions with out dear
• hubby input
• but I am still marching even if I am standing in place
• .......I have been keeping busy also
• which is good for me- cleaning out stuff
• like drawers and shelves and down
• sizing my books
• and spring cleaning as I go....
• most are good condition and Christian so I
• am blessing the church library
• and cook books for Miss Ashley
• today I did get to the bank
• which took a weight off my shoulders
• and I did go to my book club
• where other old ladies like me
• get together and
• giggle and sometimes read
• the chosen book
• we are not serious and just have fun
• so off I go...tomorrow is a new day
• and I shall rejoice -
• huggles from Meme

I found a blessing.......

while continuing to clean out things in the house, I
found a 2 lovely pictures of Papa David Hubby-
- that were taken
in 1966 the spring before I met him-
I did not know he had these pictures with his box of stuff.
..I am so happy that I am ''high''--LOL
-they are so precious and I will take them down this week
and make copies for the girls--
as they do not have pictures that old or before us or them-

----he was so handsome-- and cute and--------blond
I was a bit shallow at that time as I was so young-
like just barely 18(that summer) -
so I went out with him for his looks and his car--LOL
and love came to stay with us-
and we were married in October--(1966).

I have been cleaning odds and ends in the house
for a couple of years now-a day here and a day there*
going through all those boxes where one tends to stuff things for later..........
..and these were in one of papa hubby's evelopes that he kept special things-
I never went into his things before his death as we were very respective of each other's private things--
---he was the same with me.

it has taken me about 2 years to get where I am(just cleaning things we gathered over the years but knew we were keeping -

-and I found 10 dollars too
so that will help pay for the pictures to give the girls copies-
I want to do them for Easter gifts-----what a family blessing!
--hugs from Meme

blessing of the coats

• on Wednesday before I came home from the city
• brother Bill took his wife and I shopping
• we puttered in Wal-mart for a while and
• I got some tea and this and thats--
• then we went to a store in the mall
• ----last summer when papa hubby died
• his sister gave me $50.00 with instructions (and
• when she talks - Meme listens ..........)
• to buy my self something
• she knew that I had not been
• out for over 9 months
• to shop beyond groceries
• as I was
• always with dear papa...
• so sister in law and I did a putter shop
• and brother followed us-so as not to lose one of us(grin)
• I found a nice coat for dress up---
• on sale for half price........
• warm and a nice fit...
• I wanted a longer coat but
• this coat was the one that fit right
• and suited my color and could be
• worn with many outfits and colors-
• and with Alberta weather will
• pass all seasons-
• it is black and white hounds-tooth
• and it was $49. on sale
• and suited my tiny frame
• off to pay for the coat and the lady
• said - where is your free coat
• what -????
• what free coat?
• she says'' this sale is buy one- get one free
• and she sent me back to the coats
• I had already tried most of them
• so I knew this could get difficult now
• plus I did not want to go over the 50 dollars
• as that was all I had ---
• so I tried to find a coat- but no way
• could I find one in size 9 that I thought
• was a good fit....
• but there was one coat in size 7
• that I had not tried on
• as the other coats in size 7
• that I tried were too short in the arms
• but I felt a nudge to try it on....
• and yes, it fit just right and
• was a good style again for me
• and the color was my favorite papa purple
• which a dark purple black
• very close to his cancer purple
• and it was longer-- almost to my knees
• wow- wow
• - and the price was 49 dollars too
• what a great blessing!!!!!!
• before papa died we shopped together
• and I always got his opinion- and he
• was quite good about telling me what not to wear--
• he could see better re fit and colors for me
• and most often was right...
• this was the first coat I had bought
• all by myself and
• when I felt the nudge to try on that coat
• I wondered why--
• and then later I realized that God
• gave that nudge......to me as
• He was saying me
• that He would take care of me now
• the coat did not come from papa hubby
• as my Bible tells me
• that the our loved one
• who followed Him
• are with God and
• they do not see us here
• that is why there are no tears in heaven -
• papa hubby took care of me when he was here
• and that was part of his ministry as husband--
• but my Bible does say that
• God will take care me- He is
• here for me now as husband...
• Papa hubby's earthly job done....
• I cannot explain what these coats meant to me
• I have never had a dress up coat before
• lots of winter coats and jackets
• lots of thrift store specials and after season sales
• and these coats were blessings too--but
• it has always been one of my hearts desires
• to have a nice coat for church etc.
• I do believe that God gave me the nudge
• to tell me that papa hubby is ok and that I am ok too
• as I continue to grieve I can grieve with peace
• while
• wearing a warm coat
• either long or short---
• 2 dress up coats - that fit and that
• will remind of how good God is-
• and He will take care of me-------
• as I
• remember that dear papa hubby
• was a good and kind husband
• **************
• the other blessing
• is that these coats do not fit
• Miss Ashley -LOL
• so they will not be going to a hockey game(wink)
• ****************
• hugs from Meme who can now play dress up
• Thank- you, Lord